Never forget how much I love you...

Never forget how much I love you, I know I dont say it as half as much as I should - but its true, the sheer admiration I hold for my darling baby girl is huge.
I look in your eyes, and I feel the pain you feel. I know how you are feeling and all I wanna do is make it better for you, wrap my arms around you and cradle you like you would a bubba and tell you its all gonna be okay - because deep deep down inside I know that - thats all you want.
It will be okay, but it will take time.
Today was a difficult day, seeing you cry was heart breaking - but knowing that it was letting all the shit out was a slight relief. Everyone tells me I worry too much, no. They are wrong, there is no such thing as too much. I dont care who it comes from - it could be the person whom I admire the most, the person who is the wisest, the greatest - I really do not care - There is no such things as worrying too much.
I cannot tell you how much I love you because there is no word that means big enough. And I cant show you because my arms just wont stretch that far.
But trust me its a lot and when I think about how close we are I get all cuddly inside.
You are my friend, my best buddy, my girlie but most of all my sister.
My lil sis, whom I love to the end of the world.
And when I look at you - I sometimes just see me.
There are so many things I want you to know,
like the fact that it will be okay.
But the most important thing is,
no matter how much lemonade we have to make because life throws up a bazillion and one lemons, I will always be stood right by your side - always. Right there, and even if im not physically there, I want to be mentally there. I will always be here for you - even if its only at the end of an email or a phone call, im always going to be listening.
And if there is something i can do - to make it all better, then ill be there - doing it.
"Its okay not to be okay" 
Please, im begging, remember that - dont feel you have to put a brave face on. Its not a fun game.

I love you so much words cannot even begin to describe it!
Always and forever,
Your biggest Sister,
Your Soph <3

Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I cry, and people wonder why. I dont always have a reason, sometimes I just have to get all these emotions out just to feel okay. Just to know that its going to be okay. I dont want people to see me when I cry, I try and hold it together so bad, if crying makes me weak then I am weak. But for other to see me cry - its not what I want.
Right now I should be writing my English essay, but I cant concentrate, something not right and I just need to offload. Trust . Im finding it so hard not telling you, I cant, im thinking of her, and her welfare. The minute I can, without the consequences I will. Because then its no longer trapped inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.
Its tearing me to pieces, yet I pass it off as nothing.
I have no idea if you read this or not. No idea what so ever, but if you do then its not as bad as it first may seem. It just time like these that i struggle, I realise how scared I was, how scared i still am. The truth lost somewhere in a world of confusion, and fear.
I was okay,  I was fine until February.
I was fine, and you knew I was - just I was hiding my secret, but it was a good feeling because I had control over something - I knew that I couldnt control anything but this.
Writing this, feeling sick, I realise what a massive mess this is.

From now
its brave faces
always brave faces.
live by the rule of not letting people see when you are down, they will only advantage.
 I have to be strong for my girlies, they need me to be okay. Its not been an easy ride for any of us this year. Im hoping 2012 will be better, because if its not then im going to start wanting some answers from the other you.

You are suppose to be taking care of me, watching down, and I get that everyone has there moments where everything goes shit. But this year, this year for my family, for my friends has been one bitch of one, and on the 31st of December im going to make sure that I write a massive letter, of all the shit, write it all down, and then burn the bitch out of it.
So yeah, forget me, look after her. Im begging, ive never been this scared in all my life. No one can appreciate how I am feeling. Not even you. You think you have an idea on the situation - yeah you dont.

HKO

You know who you are, or should do once I send you this link - :)
I love you.
Completely.
Im so glad I have you to text when the world is falling down. I am so glad that we became friends, even though its only been just recently, I wish it had been a long time ago. Because I could have really done with an amazing friend like you just a year ago. When the world was going crap, someone like you to talk to would have been so much fun.
And I know that this last year, has been a bitch for you too, a complete bitch, bitchier than mine - but the fact of the matter is we have come out the other side smiling. And I wish, 100% that I had been there to help you through when times were tough.
I cant even describe the love and admiration I have for you, I think you are an amazing person with amazing qualities, and I know I'm not the only one. You are an amazing actor and your acting in grease made me so proud to be able to call you a friend. My parents have met you like once and love you to pieces.
You are stunning and wonderful, and sometimes I wonder how you smile each and every day - but you do and its amazing, truly fantastic.
I love our bitching sessions, we need them more often, because we quite clearly hold the same opinions about the same people - which is just fantastic because for once, I know someone feels the same way.
Last week in Oxford was our breaking point, im not going to lie, I was very very nervous, because wed never been out just the two of us and i was so worried that I would say something wrong and you would hate me forever - which now seems silly but I get very worked up about small things like that.
I look forward to not only the coming weeks, but the coming years, because you are one of the few people who I want to keep not in my past, but in my future. I want you to be at my wedding - in which I think with enough sociology lessons will be planned by the time we leave sixth form ;)
I love how you laugh at everything with in reason, not like peoples misfortune but just the funny things.
I love your smile, When I see you smile it makes me smile - knowing that you are happy just makes my day.
I love that I text you or "whatsapp" you when things are going crappy and you know the answer, I love the fact that i know I can trust you more than i could trust any one else. And I do look forward to our coffee - it will be a truly significant point - I love how you trust me, a little. And although I dont always know the answer - I will always try my best to be the bestest friend I can be, support you through what ever it is, and be there, when noone else is, and when you are sad, please know that I would walk the length of Bicester, to come and give you a massive hug and make it all better.
I love you so much - Never ever forget that you have a friend in me.
<3

You went to bed without saying goodnight

All day youve been in this massive shit of a mood with me.
You shouted at me infront of my friends, twice,
and then whilst im sobbing locked in the bath room you walked up the stairs, banged the door down and told me I was selfish, told me I was horrible, threatened to throw my friends out.

It is my birthday.
Would it hurt you to be nice
just for one day
forget the shouting
forget the nastiness
and forget everything - not forever just one day.

I understand that you're hurting, but so I am.
A lot more than you realise.

I dont understand what i done wrong,
i really dont understand.

tell me, and  I will try my hardest to fix it I promise
but until I know then theres nothing I can do.

This is my story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtZaNbjEDcU

This is my story,
the beginning,
the end,
and the massive part in the middle which is missing.

Such a sad story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z32H915WHTA&feature=related

Whilst watching this, and even after watching it, im sat here bawling my eyes out. Although its sad, it shows what true love is. x

1 in 12 of your friends have attempted suicide and 1 in 5 of them have thought about it.

Hi. My name is Sophie. Im 16, nearly 17. I have long blondey brown hair and green eyes. I have a mum, a dad and a sister. I go to sixth form and studying AS Levels in Art, English Literature, Psychology and Sociology. When I grow up I want to be a teacher. And for all of you reading this, you really have no idea who the real me is.
And with the title of this post, not having much relevance other than the fact that people can put on a good show, and myself wanting to raise the awareness of suicide, and suicidal thoughts. 
Suicide is a difficult subject for everyone to talk about, not only is there a trail of broken people left behind, but all the questions and the mind blowing confusion as to how they could have missed the person being so unhappy. 
Some people, have no-one, some people have everyone. 
I knew someone, who loved his mother so much, she was the only person that had ever touched his life, he had no father to look up to, his mother had solely bought him up, When his mother died, he was left with no one, neighbours witnessed him leaving the house, posting the key back through the door and walk down the middle of the street, crying whilst shouting "Im never coming home, never" a week later his body was found hanging in the wood. 
Its no way to go, its not fair on the people you leave behind, leaving unanswered questions. 
Always remember this...

A Road To Who Knows Where

This path I am taking, the road I am following, is a road in which the outcome is unknown, the ending is still unclear. I have many aspirations, many dreams to be something truly fantastic yet to achieve this - I must put a 110%  effort in. Something in which I always try my utmost hardest to achieve, and portray. Some know how hard I work, a lot dont, but in order to achieve something small I must work hard.
Therefore to achieve what I need, its going to be a struggle, but I am confident that as long as I try my hardest then I will be rewarded in turn. The future is a scary thing, and thinking about it gives me a strange shiver down the back of my spine. Watching, the paths others have taken, comparing them to each, there are so many options to choose from. I know that in the end, I will make the right decision, if not at first. People learn from their mistakes, and it has to be their mistakes that they learn from. Just because friends have made the mistakes, does not mean they will ultimately work to avoid doing the same. In order to completely understand the true consequences of these actions, they must fore go, make the mistakes, feel the hurt and then realise that and understand that it cant happen again.
Watching someone make the same mistake as you did, is never easy. Especially when it is someone who has helped you so much, but I have learnt to stop trying to stop them making the mistake. They are happy at the moment, and as long as my girlies are happy, then I am happy.
In life you dont just need one specific friend, one person whom you rely on so much that eventually it can only end in hurt, tears and pain. A group of friends, friends from lots of different groups is what I have. And I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest people walking this earth. I have so many friends, all with different qualities, all with a different sense of humour, and all so fantastically unique it makes them all so individually special. Each and everyone one of my friends deserves the world, the support me when I need it and make me smile when all I want to do is cry. They know when Im not okay and they make it all better, and I sincerely hope that I do the same in return.
I have one week left of being 16, another year passes, and in a way, I feel like a year has been wasted, being stressed, miserable and down. Its a year that I will never get back, or be able to make it up. Therefore, this year, my birthday resolution is to spend a year being happy, a year being up and make the most of being 17 :)

40 Things About Me...

1. My full name is Sophie Jade Grose
2. I have a thing for shoes - I have some shoes that are black with pink love hearts on :)
3. Im already struggling - and worrying at the prospect of having to write another 37 of these :/
4. My biggest wish is to have mind reading powers because that would make life a dam site easier
5. My greatest ambition is to be a teacher - and help others like I have been helped
6. I have a secret addiction to Alan Rickman -.- although its not even that secret any more
7.I have 4329 songs on my iTunes and 4081 on my iPod
8.Music elates me, I go crazy when listening to music in the house alone - dancing and singing around like a crazy thing
9. I dont like bananas but I love banana cake,
10. I have an allergy to some kinds of soap :(
11. I swear secretly im like a spy - I can find loads out about people just like that:)
12. I write a blog, that is so bloody depressing its unreal - but I like it :)
13. I have a list of things to do - but right now I am wasting time doing this.
14. I am went to South Africa
 15. I always have either a hair band or elastic band around my wrist - they come in very useful
16. I love sixth form
17. I absolutely hate having cold feet it drives me insane
18. I can be an absolute bitch when I want to be - :)
 19. I speak my mind - the majority of the time
20. Im like marmite - you either love me or hate me :)
21. I keep forgetting the numbers and its really annoying me
 22. This morning I had to run to school because I was super super late :(
 23. I absolutely hate mushrooms they remind me of dolphins - but I still eat them if they are put on my plate :S
24. I sometimes say and do the stupidest things - yesterday I thought my dog was flying past the window - it was a carrier
 25. I am a worrier, I worry about everyone, anyone and everything- its a good cause
 26. I have this huge phobia of snakes - have done ever since nursery when this man put a snake around my neck :S
27. Hate is a strong word - I use it only in a few special cases ima make a difference to what happened so it doesnt again
28.  I like to talk quite a lot, but im actually quite shy, and lack a little bit of confidence over certain things
 29. When given the chance I can be quite good at things
30. Sometimes I wish people wouldnt ask questions - lives by- "ask no questions, get told no lies"
31.  I wish people knew the real me
32. I have a plan for everything, my wedding, funeral, names, houses - everything
33. If I could relive one day it would be the river boat cruise - it was too good
34. I know what I want in life - and im going to get there even if it kills me
35. When at school I actually loved it - half term soon
36. I joke about everything,
37. I never ever will go to bed on an argument, never
38. I can remember songs really well - but when it comes to something important I cant
39. In life I have idols, who I strive to be like
40. Chances are these 40 things werent all that great but o well it was fun - I enjoyed it :)

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

I dont have a diary, sometimes I wish I did, but I dont keep up with it, end up loosing it, or find that someone has read through it. In a way this here, is my diary, yet somehow I manage to miss out the bits that no one needs to know.
So these unimportant balls of information are running round my over tired mind, constantly popping to the surface. I have never told anyone completely all of it - because firstly, it would be far to embarrassing, and far to complicated. The happenings of a thirteen year old should not be that, and that is as far as I am going.
The older you get, the more you realise that shit happens, to everyone. And sitting back, observing the past few weeks, Ive noticed how different people react in different ways, how they deal with emotions, and all the other things in life that put us to the test.
Between writing this, watching television, and nattering on Facebook, Im attempting to write an essay, its not going to great, which is no surprise. So I should probably get on with that...

.

My post has no title, because I cannot think of a suitable one that would fit right, and that is not hugely rude. This week has been so confusing in such a difficult way. I may be your "best friend" "the girl at the end of the phone" but its only ever on your terms. What about when im not okay? What about when I could do with a hug, a chat, to ring you up crying because of what's happened?
That's the thing, you are never there, when I need you - but foolish old me - Im always there for you. People tell me to walk away, take a step back - I dont think they realise how much it hurts me inside to think about what im leaving behind.  But then I re-evaluate the situation, take a look at it from the outside, and I realise that they are right, and have been for an awfully long time.
You pushed me away, and the hardest thing for me, is I could see you making the same mistakes that did - 4 years ago. I tried to tell you, explain it to you but you wouldn't listen. And then I read something that said "you have to learn from your own mistakes" The emphasis on the own made me realise, that you were never going to listen to me. You had to be hurt to know what happens.
So you see, these past two weeks, have been a bitch, and painting a smile on this brave face, I have gone out and tried to act like nothing is wrong, and even though I sat with you and told you what had happened, and you replied with "oh well" I didn't expect much, but oh well, hurt a little.
You rang me this morning, after I told you that a friend of my dads son had been in a terrible accident and died, and sat on the phone crying to me, I get it, you were upset, needed someone to talk to - and im glad you felt you could ring me. But not once did you ask after anyone else, not once did you ask if I was okay.
It was all about you, and thats the way it always is.

I love you so much, too much. And you know what they say:

" if you love something, set it free" 


I just want you to know, that these past few weeks, when Ive been trying so desperately to take a step back. That was my way of setting you free.

I know you dont read this, and never will.
But I needed to get it out of my system!

So tired, Cant sleep

Its late,
and im led in bed trying to sleep.
Failing miserably
I set up a deviant art account:

http://alwayslookingback.deviantart.com/

Its not the best, but its mine :)
Today was strange but this evening was just amazing.
I know who my real friends are <3

An Older Sister...

When I was small, vulnerable and innocent, all I wanted was an older sister. Someone to play hide and seek with me, to sit and read books with me, to chase me round the garden, and pick me up and cuddle me.
Now, an older sister would be the person that cuddles me when I'm crying, picks me up when I'm down, tells me its going to be okay even if at the moment it seemed never ending, gave me advice, helped me with homework, got me through the some of the trickiest times of my life so far, and someone who would listen, to all the bad things and make sense.

Biologically, I dont have an older sister, but mentally, in my head she is everything an older sister should be. Yes, maybe the situation is slightly peculiar, but I know that I could go to her with any problem and shed know exactly what to do.

Its amazing how much you can actually look up to someone, holding so much aspiration. But it is possible and is carried out every day with every person on this earth. Each person has one person, whom they currently are inspired by or have been inspired by, often more than once - dead or alive. Its truly unreal how fantastic it is :)

It was only the second day, and I hated it. Its okay now.

How Long....
How long will it take for someone to notice? How long is it going to take until someone asks? How long will it be before someone realises? Its just a question with an answer, that is inevitable, yet unknown.

The prospect slight scares me, throughout it all ive learnt is that history repeats itself just with different people  different people but with the same strings attached, the same emotions involved, and the same hurt circling around.

And as im sat here alone in a room full of people, a room full of laughter and speech. It reminds me so much of the first few dreaded weeks of year seven. Sat alone eating lunch on a bench, in this massive strange place was never fun and even though im not sat on a bench, im sat on a stool, in a large kitchen area, I realised it was a lonely world

I dont have one best friend, i did but recently its changed. I have lots of different friends all with different qualities, abilities and things about them that I adore. Im lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I find myself in previous post always talking about making it better - does it ever get better? or does it simply just die down, hide under the surface and occasionally rear its ugly head. Did I ever get better? Or did I just pretend to be okay, ignore it for a while. I dont think I will ever know the actual answer.

Im petrified about the future, the unknown hurt of my earlier cries, and my silent screams for help landing on ears that cant hear them, eyes that cant see them, but to people who care to much.

Im afraid of hurting you, letting you down and disappointing you. I watched it before, in your eyes, I saw the hurt and the pain, and now its the same.

Heres to future, which holds so much - but we just dont know what.

Are you okay?!

Right now I would do pretty much anything to turn back a week. 

or even a year.

A week ago, everything to everyone else was perfect - and now its just a big dollop of shit. 

and a year ago, I was so content and happy with everything. I had the perfect friends, who knew nothing but my untainted love.

Knew nothings of the horrors that were hidden beneath the surface.

But then, I knew none of theirs.

And then December came along, 

and screwed us all over. 

Made us realise that teenage years were not to be enjoyed, in fact they were there to put friendships to the complete and utter test, tear them savagely apart.

Noone knows why it happened, or even what caused it. But we all know how. When I say all, I mean those involved, those there at the time.

Then we moved on, the three of us, made new friends, clung to a new group. And they were even more perfect. 

And still are. 

The story goes...

On without you..
Ever since you went, 
ever since it finished
I realised what a waste of time
the whole year had been.


This week I have had a proper chance to reflect on it, it stings like an absolute bitch - but its about time someone heard my story, heard my side to the story, heard the truth about what happened.


Maybe they will be surprised, maybe they wont. But until I can face what really happened, the thing that occurred which left me hurting, still leaves me hurt when I think of it. But I have to move on, not just for me, for you, for the other you, for my family and for my friends. 


So from Monday,
its begins.

To you, all three of you...

Pulling the wool over your eyes hurt more than I can admit. I felt so guilty, the worst person in the world. For the first time I think I can truly say that I was out for my own benefit here. All you ever did was care for me and love me, yet I threw it in your face. All of your faces. And when I write this I have three people in mind. Three people who are so similar in so many ways. Three people whom I cherish and love in different individual ways. 
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud, see me smile and think I was okay. And you did, you really did but what you didn't know what I was hiding a whole other world from you. A different place where I lived, black and white, no colour exists. Writing this, not as letter, but not as a poem. Just something that flows, smoothly and softly with the cute piano tune playing in the background.
Im sorry that it had to be this way. My unseen hurt portrayed in your eyes, the unseen hurt shown in my lies. You said you knew when I lied, clearly you didn't, a sick, but small sense of joy hits me when I realise that I had you all fooled, had a fantastic mask on, painted a fantastic brave face on. 
Maybe I shouldn't taken drama, you all joke. Maybe I shouldn't have been such a jerk. At the moment I feel no emotion, just empty and hurt. More empty than anything. Like its all just a dream because this isnt me. People dont need to see me like this, know that im feeling this.
On wards and upwards, from now on, I promise you I will try so hard, to be okay, and to keep it contained. 

Peeping through my curtains

I love that winter feeling. My curtains are a jar my blind is half down and my lamp is on. My windows are closed and my radiators are on. I have a long sleeved jumper on with big socks and I have rosy cheeks. I can hear the wind blowing through the trees and see the street lights on the main road.

I love winter. More than summer. It brings a familiar warm feeling to my tummy, and makes everything seem okay.

Its nearly my birthday, and this year all im asking for is a hug, a cuddle and for everything to be okay for the next year. I dont want anything special - (other than a car)  I just want everyone to be happy, which ever path they choose to take.

If others are happy then I am too happy. Its Christmas after that, and this year im going to save really hard and this year, im only buying presents for a few people. But the presents I buy will be well worthy and show how much people mean to me.

Its not about presents. Christmas is a time of remembering the christian relgion. This is where I become inhumanely confused about religion, because I do not know what to believe, what is true. But does anyone truly?

So heres to the next few days, which will probably be a little tricky in places.
Always make good of a bad situation

Through the skin of my teeth

For the past few weeks, I answered with no.
For the past few weeks, Ive hidden it.
For the past few weeks, I have lied through my teeth.

And now, its out.
Now people know.
I have no choice.
I have to tell you.

I dont want to disappoint you,
or let you down.
But I know I will.
Which I guess,
is the worst part.

So wish me luck,
because tomorrow
im going to come see you.

And I hope that you dont see this
before I see you,
but in a way
I do.

Because it would make
it so much easier.
To form the sentences,
make the words.


Hurts.

Mikey

Its been nearly 6 months and I still find it hard to accept. I keep waiting for you to walk round the corner, crack a joke about how shit im looking today, laugh at how me and Lauren were getting stressed.
Its been 6 months and its taken me this long to write something, there's a special group on Facebook for you  - "Remember Michael Arthur" it has 213 members, and each time one of them posts something on their, I get a notification and I make sure I read each post, sometimes they make me laugh other times they make me cry.
I always wanted to write something on there, but it wasn't the place - not for everyone to see, this is personal, and private in a way.
April was a bad month, I will never forget that horrible feeling I got in my stomach, hoping and praying it was some sort of sick joke. Ill never forget trying to tell my mum, sat on the floor in my lounge silent tears rolling down my little cheeks whilst all her friends were sat there.
Mya calls me Aunty Sophie when I pop in for a cuppa tea, she is just the cutest little thing, and well Logan, baby Logan is just the cutest. My birthday buddy! He such a smiley little lad. And well Polly, what can I say Mikey - she was the only person in the summer who really understood, the only one that listened, and I felt so horrible. Crying to her after all shed been through.Your song, "Ill be missing you" was the song they played at Princess Diana remembrance celebration - I remember falling in love with the song then, listening to it over and over again repeatedly I learnt al the words, yep singing away to them right now.


This is the first time, Ive listened to the song since your funeral, I will never forget being so worried about my Lauren, because she was struggling, and I really didn't know what to do. I felt like a failure, I think I cried more than her at first. 


Be safe, and have fun. Take care of Polly, Mya and Logan. And Lauren. Because Shes lost without you.


Its strange with out you around!! 

Its everywhere

Its the popular girl.
Its the jock.
It the nerd.
Its your best friend.
Its the girl you sit next to in chemistry.
Its the person you look up to.
Its the girl on the television.
Its the one whose always smiling.
Its the boy, who always seems so confident.
Its the person you've known for years.

The thing is, you just dont know who it is.
It could be anyone

I'm Sophie and I am going to be okay

I'm Sophie and I am going to be okay
Even if at the moment im not, 
it will be okay 
and so will I.

Where is here?

Confusion.
Where is here?
Where is the destination in which so many people wish to reach, hope to reach yet somehow want to avoid at all costs.
When are you grown up? When are you an adult for real, not by what the government says but in reality, in feeling.
There are things, questions, that will never be answered.
Things that just cant be, because no-one knows the answer to the questions.
And some, some things that just wont be answered.
Where does life really begin?
When does it end?
Why am I here? What is it to achieve, why do I have to make mistakes, to make myself fell like this.

"Am I mad" will I ever know? How am I suppose to know.
Am I Okay? Will it all be okay,
what does the future hold?
What is happy?
How do I know what happy is?

When will the time be right?

And
Where,
Where is here?

These words are my own

Take me away
Take me out
Let me scream
Let me shout

I'll end up crying 
On your shoulder 
You always were 
And always will be

Everything 
I never could be 
His little girl
Her darling gem

A broken heart
Pleases them
Your perfect lips 
Your perfect eyes 

See me here, now
But know I'll be gone
For my promise is broken
I wanted to belong 

I really cant
Explain it all 
Sit with you
And talk it through 

But talk to me
And make me listen
Ask me stuff
Make me answer 

I'm sorry for what I've done
And im sorry for what I do
I'll always remember you 
Forever yours, pulling through

The darkness that surrounded me
When the going got tough
And the minute particles of dust
That still frost the glass up

I'm looking in
I'm looking back
The person I am 
The person I was

All mingled into one
It was better when there was none
Not one person who even knew
The secret I hide from a few

Take a step back 
And look in my eyes 
Realise what I say
Is all just lies

1001 words unsaid...

Every-time I leave, every-time I walk down the alley, the corridor, the passage or what ever it may be called - I regret not saying it, asking it and mentioning it. There are so many things I have to say, want to say or even need to say. Im not sure which order that comes in but any order could be used I guess.

I could sit and tell you everything, not everything, but everything that has every mattered. Things that would shock you, a little. Surprise you a bit. Im not sure. Maybe you know already, can see through it all.
Ive been writing this blog in my head for days, not sure how to word it, not that you will ever read it. As far as I know you dont even know that I write a blog.

There is just one thing, that tears me up. Amongst the many others, this question stands out amongst. Replays and replays in my head. Is on the tip of the tongue each time I am with you. To many it wouldnt make sense. But the minute I say it, I think you'll understand. Ill think you will know where I am coming from.

"What did you think, when you found out"

Long and meaningful

I really wanted to write a long a meaningful blog, and for a long time I have written half but just deleted them because they haven't been right, haven't been good enough or I just simply got massive writers block.

Ive not had much inspiration, nothing really happened that caused me enough stress, enough pain or heaven forbid, enough tears that I need to blog about it. See I only really blog about the bad things, the bad things that happen.

Someone one told me that I was like a jug under a tap. That just kept filling up, and then one day, it just over flowed and I had to tell someone about all the stuff that was in my jug. At first it was confusing, and completely baffled me, but after, and trust me on this, a lot of thought, it started to make sense, and was a pretty good way of describing it.

Even now, nothing bad has really happened, just a lot of things have changed. People, routines, jobs, life. The list could go on and on. But for the past couple of day - it has really really got me down, and it has just suddenly hit me, that no matter how sad I get about it, how much it drags me down and makes me think horrible things and no matter how many tears I cry - its not going to change it. Nothing is, its just fate. Things happen for a reason, people change so you can learn to move on. Live by my own rules, my own advice and I am sure I would get a whole lot further.

I like poetry

I come out the house and run down the stairs
I look up and scream but there’s still no one there 
I run on the roof and hang over the ledge
I'm so close to falling I slip off the edge 
I'm hanging by one hand fifty feet from my death 
When all of a sudden I feel someone’s breath 
I wake up and notice it was only a dream 
and suddenly my life’s not as bad as it seemed!

.

Untainted and unwounded
The lives that go on
And nothing returns
Time just stays still

Lost and never forgotten
Remembered forever
Tears shed, blood spilled
Life has ended

Drawn out in sacrifice
To kill or numb the pain
Tired, but sleepless
Dreaming forever in Heaven
Awake in the ground

Apology for the dead
For not knowing the past
Missing now what I never knew
I'm sorry

Rest now in peace
My friend

Help me, Please

Im desperate,
im hurting
and I dont know why.

I dont know is the answer to everything right now.
It seems so silly.
Bad memories keep replaying in my head and I cant get rid of them.

I keep doubting my ability,
as a student, as a friend,
and generally - as a person.


I cant be doing it right,
feeling like this, I feel like im constantly
putting on a smile.

Nothing is drastically wrong, nothing huge.
Just small things - that amount
to bigger things.

Small disappointments in life, that hurt so bad.
Discovering things that
I wish had stayed unknown to me.

This week has been a difficult one,
and looking from the outside in -
I really dont know how im going to keep my head above water.


I need something, someone, anything
to see this, to tell me what to do and
make it ok.


I know im not the only one feeling this,
it cant be just me -
im not alone.

So someone out there,
please,
help me

It hurts

It hurts to know that I am hurting you, but in a way I dont mean to, I'm just trying to protect you.
Trying to protect you from the horribleness of what lies ahead, the twisty paths, the hurt, the anger, the fall outs, the misunderstanding.


" You get tragedy where the tree, instead of bending, breaks" 

I need advice

Its hard to say, admit that I actually dont know the answer this time.
Its hard to say that I need help, I need support and I need advice.

Im not quite sure who to ask,
the one person in mind has to much on their plate.
Then there is no-one.

I have plenty of friends, but
this cant be a friend who tells me what to do.

Im going to ponder a while,
and find someone, it has to be
the right person.

Trust is everything

I wish you were here,

I wish you were here to watch me grow, to watch me flourish and to listen to me and what I have to learn.
I wish you were here, to see my two baby boys - they are the most gorgeous boys in the world.
I wish you were here, when she cries - because the only person she wants is you, she talks about you all the time.
I wish you could have seen my results, they weren't that great - but I worked my hardest, in fact probably too hard - thats right - I got myself in a bit of a pickle.
I wish you were there to help me out of that pickle, there were some fantastic people who helped me through, but you would have sorted it.
I wish you could have been there on my prom night, when everyone else was there, yet there was just an empty space where you should have stood.

These next two years - are going to be hell. Its only day four and im crazily snowed under. Today its mums birthday, youd be so proud of her. I know I am.
Shes an inspiration to me.

I have a new job now.

The reason for writing is that I want you to watch over my baby sister for me. Shes struggling, and I really dont know what to do anymore. Inside shes hurting, and I know what it feels like, yet somehow I cant make it better, if anything - im making it worse.
Look after her for me, because I cant.

Thank you for being there when she needed it, i know you would have been there even if we couldnt see you, couldnt hear you, couldnt feel you. You were there in our thoughts, you would have made sure that it went okay, I just wish, so so bad that you could be here just once more, just so I could see you, meet you.

I've heard so many fantastic stories about you, so many amazing adventures you took out, and the heartache you with stood. If I could just see you just for an hour, Id tell you everything that youve ever missed, show you everyone that you didnt quite see. But for a second I believed it could happen and then I have to remind myself that this is impossible, and Im once again left disappointed.

Ill never forget you, especially when times are hard.

Always,

Your Soph x

Never Be Afraid

When you are scared, someone will be there to protect you. When you are lonely, you only have to look around to know that you aren't actually alone and that there are people out there waiting to make it okay. When you are worried, don't be, things happen for a reason, the reason may be unknown at the time but at some point in the future it will all make perfect sense.

Always remember: that no matter how bad it hurts right now at some point in time it will get better. Don't forget that there are people who can help. That the friends who are true friends will be the ones that are still in your life 20 years down the line.

Dont ever forget: the people who have touched your life in such a spectacular way, the people who have worked hard so that you can achieve your greatest and the people who have put the extra effort in, the people who listened to you sob, the people that hugged you when you needed it.

Learn from the mistakes you have made, and learn how to make the future better and brighter. Understand that the things in place are there because you want them to be or need them to be. Realise who are your true friends and treat them like it. Stop worrying whether you look okay, look good, and if your make up is perfect.

For everyone that has been in your life, currently is in your or will be in your life, love them, cherish them and care for them. Sometimes people only need a little bit of tender love and care, other admittedly need alot, but as a friend it is our, yours, their duty to give that support.

Dont be afraid, life will be good x

Life is good, Life is great!

Last night we spoke, not normal speaking proper talking, heart to heart.
I was tired, had my guard down and had had a rather difficult day. It made perfect sense to tell you everything - so I did and since that moment ive been riding on a high.
Its fabulous, at long last everything makes sense again :)

Im happy, truly happy :)

Take a chance

I have to take a chance, things need to change. I have to stop focussing on myself take a step backwards and watch what is happening around me. Stop looking on the negative side of life and start focussing more of the positives. Realise where I am going wrong and change it so that I can make it better. Stop trying to change everything back to the way it was and accept that time causes things to change and adapt to different ways but also know that time helps to change other things to. I have to learn to let things go, let them take there own paths and keep cool at the fact it's changing.

So to all that have realised all this I apologise so bad - so bad x

Thankyou

You know you are, you might not, but I know who you are, and I know you read this.
You know why I am saying thank you although this reason may not be so prominent.
But thank you - :)

Maybe if you could feel my pain
you might just understand.
One day you may see my tears
and lend a helping hand.
I cant keep going on like this
Im sinking into the ground.
I sometimes wish youd look a bit harder
Then I might be found.
For you do not know the real me,
The person I am today.
Im hiding the truth from you
in such a sneaky way.
You'd be upset and disappointed,
I'd see it in your eyes.
But everytime I give a smile
it all just seems like lies.
My wrist can tell a million stories
of where my heart has been.
I dont expect you to understand
because you havent  seen.

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
But sometimes they forget the words too, yet they know the tune. 


I knew it, deep down inside I knew it, yet I didn't have the guts or the nerves to follow it up and make an issue of it to discover the truth. In the back of my mind, it was there ready to be said, but facing it would hurt and hurting others is something I like to avoid at all costs! 


I wish I had said something. If I could turn back time, please know that I would, and I would try my hardest to make it all okay. Its not okay, no matter how many times you say it is okay, its not. I should've taken notice, and helped you out.


I love you with all my heart, and when it gets tough, it gets really tough but know that I will always be stood there to help you, hug you or whatever it is that you need. 


I love you x 

Im the star upin the sky

Where ever you are, whatever you do, Ill be right here waiting for you

Sorry

Sorry is just a word, and I probably use it far to frequently, without meaning, when I apologise for dropping something, knocking into someone whilst walking a long, simple things in life that happen everyday.

Yet, when something serious happens, something that truly needs an apology, I cant seem to do it right, I don't know whether it because I cant form the sentences in my mind, cant face the fact that I was, indeed, in the wrong.

What ever it is, I want you to know that I love you so much, and that it hurts right now to think of it. Ive tried talking to the others but its just not the same, I dont care about them, if they go that's fine, but you - I cant loose you. You have been there for me, when I needed it most. You listen to me, when no one else gives a crap.

Please, forgive me.

Remember me, that girl that used to be your best friend,

A text,
A call,
A message,
An email,
or maybe,
even a knock on the door.

There is one person this summer who has bothered with me. Life teaches you many things, and it has just taught me that you can count your true friends on one hand - I know I certainly can.

What hurts me the most, is that you don't just forget me, you forget her too. When are you going to accept that she is part of the group too, and if you aren't willing to accept that, then you can count me out - because we come as a package - the two of us, or neither of us.

Stop moaning about fitting everyone in, she manages to juggle it and see her friends and her boyfriend, so why cant the rest of you.
This is utterly blatant now, and im sorry for this, and I will probably upset and cause so much shit to go down, but this has been bubbling under the surface for a long long time now. Hate me, that's fine, but dont hate her, she is the most amazing person. Don't forget to include her please, I dont care if you forget me, but dont forget her.
Because thats what happens - and it is really starting to grate with me now!

I cant tell you how I feel, because it hurts to much. I cant show you how I feel because its written on my diary. I cant make you understand because your just not the same any more.
You do this every time, every time I form a friendship, a proper friendship. When I am finally happy with my friends, you feel so insecure. Like I am trying to replace you - which in no way I am.

I wish you could understand. I wish you could get this. Because right now, I feel so alone. There isnt anyone I can talk to. No-one I trust enough with this, I cant even form the words.

I can never tell you about half the stuff that has happened because you would flid, i would be even more of a disappointment than I am today, right now.

Ive tried to be the perfect daughter, ive tried to be the best that I can be. But its just not me. Im not the goody goody. Im just me, soph, your baby girl. The same person I always have been. And I really have no idea what I have done what wrong. So maybe you could just tell me so that I can make it better.

Sorry, for everything.

Ive never felt so guilt. Ive never hated myself more. Ive never regretted something as much. Ive never wanted to take it back.

I want things to be how they were.
Everything was perfect.
And now is not.

I don't like to think people are mad at me. Especially you, because without you, there would be no me.

Empty words

I cant find the words to say it.
I cant form the sentences in my head let alone face to face.
I cant stand the pain I feel when I imagine how hurt you'd be.

Needy

Sometimes I feel like a child, other times I feel like an adult.
In the times inbetween, I dont know what I feel like, but it is unpleasant. In a way I feel needy.

I have this need to be loved, heard, noticed, cared for, hugged, spoken to, listened to.

 It all just overflows like a jug being filled to the brim with water.

If you listen carefully...

If you listen carefully, if you listen hard enough you'll hear a little girl crying for her mum, she cant use the words to tell them what's wrong, yet as parents they should automatically knew.

There is just one strange thing with this picture, the baby girl, is trapped inside a teenagers body. Unable to use words, so crying in place of them seems the only option. She doesn't need feeding or changing, she doesn't need winding or a nap. All she wants is to be picked up and cuddled.

Maybe that was why I was crying this morning, not because I felt left out, not because you were shouting just because I needed a hug. And instead of getting it from you - I got it from someone else.

Its not the same any more.

Please remember this, or think of it because you don't read this.

Do you wear cardigans in the summer?

Tonight has been a strange night. I have been in the worst mood in the world, and then dancing around the room to bob the builder. Its just strange. Now, well now im just tired. 

But reflection earlier this evening made me realise that no matter how hard I try, how much I want it to be, how much I crave it and hurt because its not - it will never be my secret again. And with that, I will never be me. Never be the person I was before, the person I preferred. You can regret things, and believe me I do. And I don't mean this in a horrid way, but to this day I regret every letting the words slip from my mouth. It could be so different right now. 

When I say this, I don't mean to sound jealous, harsh, or rude. Seeing you like that today broke my heart, clearly explained by the tears, watching you do that, lock yourself away - scared me a little but hearing you say that, hearing you say that really upset me and hurt me.

The words I have no friends escaped your mouth, whilst I was sat downstairs. Can you imagine how that feels? Sometimes I think the same and then I remember that I have you. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, and then I look at Facebook, look at my phone, and realise that I have loads of people there for me. Loads of people that would listen.

I love you to pieces, more than you could ever possibly realise. I dont think you understand how much I love you. Which is why maybe you think you have no friends. I dont know what it is that I am doing wrong at the moment, but nothing seems to be right. Every word that came out of my mouth was wrong and it broke my heart to know that I wasn't helping , that I couldn't help, and it was, if anything, making it worse.

Im sorry that I couldnt have done anything, im sorry that i couldnt make it better, and im even sorrier that im not a good friend. Like I should be.

"You only have to pick up a news paper to know that times are hard the future is an uncertain and murky place. In these hard times we have a unique opportunity. It is an opportunity to build something truly unique, an opportunity to help create a community which might just help to create a better future. This community will allow us to grow, to prosper and to create a better world for our futures. We can learn from the mistakes of time past and learn how to become the leaders who will ensure we never make the same mistakes again. These are high ambitions but at this the beginning of a truly historic time for this school, this town and this community our ambitions should not flinch from being the highest they can be. We all have a unique opportunity to play a part in forging a better future. We have an opportunity to create, an opportunity to build and an opportunity to flourish but most of all we have an opportunity to learn"


Where the words we heard, at the opening of our new built sixth form centre. The opening of the future, and a prospect in which excited many. For the first time for years, I was excited to go to school, excited to  restart in September and even more excited about the lessons I was going to start, or continue in some cases.

Now looking at it - it could all go pear shaped, I doubt it will, and I truly hope it wont. A possibly disappointment lies a head. In less than a week, the year 11s of 2011 will go to their school, nervously awaiting their results from the exams they had taken that summer. 2 months of anxiousness, 2 months of sheer nervousness and 2 months of not knowing what to expect.

Although, my predicted grades are good, it all depends on the exam questions. Nothing is clear, nothing is written in stone until you receive these results. There is always that question in the back of your mind. What if? What if I don't get good enough results to get into sixth form, and take the subjects I have spent the last 6 months preparing myself for, getting excited about. Nervousness is an emotion that I very rarily feel and until this year, I truly didnt understand what it really felt like.

Standing in a line, alphabetically, in silence clinging hold of a clear pencil case and going over the lessons topics, important things to remember; a constant adrenaline build up growing stronger and bigger by the second.  

Now rushing through all the books I have to read, all the work I have to do. I truly fear how hard the next two years are going to be.

I'm 16

For the past 5 years I have been treated like an adult and expected to constantly act like one.  At the age of 11 I was hit in the face with stuff which I didn't understand, couldn't understand or wouldn't understand. To this day, almost 5 years later and I still don't know why I refused to accept it. I left it to bubble on the side, re surface when I was a little older, understood a little better and could hide it all away a little more.

At the age of 12, confused within a world of heavy metal, thick make up and miss-leading friends I ended up in a sticky situation. With no-one to turn to, no elder sibling to ask for advice I found myself falling deeper and deeper, further and further. 13 was pretty much the same.

At the age of 14 I started to see the world from a different prospective, dropping the whole " emo " look I became a self respected young lady. Wearing skirts in place of jeans, and eye shadow instead of eye liner. I regained my girls, took control of my actions, all though so hobbies, habits and addictions just stay, forever, waiting beneath the surface until times get hard again.

15 & 16, GCSE's, all the fun in the world. Not. Stress, strain and struggle. The three S's, but they were good years in other ways. Such like the fact that I made some amazing friends, re connected with people whom I had known when I was smaller.

Yet now, I am 2 months and 11 days from being 17, my parents are beginning to treat me like the 11 year old, that lost her childhood a long time ago. Not being allowed to make my own decisions. Simple things like this get me down.

Maybe I am making mountains out of molehills, blowing things out of proportion, to some this would be just a minor blip in the road, for others something so huge its unreal. For me its something in the middle. Not horrid, but not simple either.  

My Friend Lauren

My friend Lauren, is tall and has hazel eyes. She has long blondey browny hair all down her back. Shes a ballet dancer and likes to sing really loud. But these qualities are nothing compared to her other qualities.

She looks after me, like a big sister. She cares for me like a mother. And she laughs at me like an enemy. She listens to me when I need to talk and she gives me big hugs.

I love Lauren

Its All Just Lies

Right now,
All I feel is that its all lies.
Every day is a lie.
Every Cigarette I smoke is a lie.
Every word I say is a lie.
Every Smile I show is a lie.
Every breathe I take is a lie.
Every Action I make is a lie.
Its all just lies

I want

I want to  tell you so bad, but I cant find the words to say. I want to be able to tell you its going to be okay, but im not sure its going to be. I want you to be okay. I want you to understand. I want you to be there. I want you to know that I am trying so hard, so so hard.


When I was small I would constantly chant the same verse "I want this, I want that" over and over again at the most random things. Things that had no meaning, no need and no importance to everyday life. Soon enough I became best friends with the phrase "I wants don't get"


For a 5 year old, this sentence was the dreaded repeated sentence, that meant shortly and simply no.

Now, I dont want things that are worth any money value. I just want things that mean something to me.

I just want things to be normal...

Whirlwinds

After reading your blog, I realised that I too have a lot of work to do. That I too have under estimated the amount of time needed to complete this work to my level of satisfaction and that I too will probably stress until it is absolutely perfect.

It is here, at this point that I have this sudden wave of fear rush over me, as I truly begin to understand what A-Levels are going to truly be like. They say that sixth form are the best to years in education, the most fantastic and the most dominant and prominent, the ones you will remember most. Yet the thing that they missed off when explaining how wonderful it was - was the amount of work, homework, stress and strain is involved and included with each and every days work.

It is not something that I would say - I am overly afraid of, just slightly fearful at how much strain its going to put us under. I don't work well when stressed, and I am now beginning to realise that GCSE was nothing compared to what lies ahead. I found GCSE unbelievably stressful, going for many days without sleep, proper food and surviving of revision, coffee and energy drinks. A time that I remember only too well.

Now with the summer almost half way through, I truly realise the important of needing to start the work, and actually finish it, instead of getting half way through and giving up. I see the importance in preparing myself for the busy two years ahead. Instead, I am going out, staying up late and completely ruining my sleeping pattern completely.

Routine is something I truly hate, yet miss when weeks of crazy-ness come about. I am tired, yet cant sleep. Strange I know, yet so frustrating I cannot begin to explain. So to the future, bring it on.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just get real stuck for words, for those who know me, they may think that is a ludicrous thing to say. Sophie - stuck for words. When I say stuck, I mean I write half a blog, stop, re read it and then delete it. I am adamant to post this one, and make it a good one at that.

I always get lost, distracted or end up trying to avoid finishing. I very rarely end up satisfied with what I have written and often end up scrapping it. Concious, self concious - Maybe, I know I am, I've been told enough times for me never to forget.

So as I am sat here, really late, really tired, slightly sick with make up everywhere I realise the important of just the smallest things. Listening to the top played in my play list, so many memories flood me. Good, bad, happy & sad.

Tonight was a brilliant night, just a simple shitty movie, but it was the company that made it all the best. My best friend, her mum, sister and neighbour. We just laughed our way through the night. And even though I felt hugely insecure and uncomfortable with the movie - due to the story line, I was able to look through that and enjoy the evening.

Music, music is my life, it can change my mood in seconds, can change what I am thinking, warm me up, calm me down, make it better, make me see sense or make me see worse things. Depending on the music it can change the day for me.

Help

Sometimes I find myself screaming for help in the most unusual and eccentric ways. This thought often stirs me to think about others and their cries for help. Am I missing the obvious signs, am I stumbling over subjects in which someone wants to, needs to mull over.

For you.

I cannot tell you how much i hate being this far away, only limited to what i can and cant do, only saying words that dont make sense really - not being able to run to you and give you a big hug and make it all so much better.
I hate the fact that im sat here staring at a computer not knowing what is wrong - and what I need to do to help you.
I hate that I cant make it better.
but the thing i hate the most is knowing that your not okay, knowing you are sad and knowing that here, a gazillion miles away, I can do absolutely nothing.
I hope you read this.
You will know its for you, you always do, and you always tell me to not make them to do so technically this isnt but is at the same time. For outsiders this may seem unbelivably complicated but for us - just us two, it is normal, completely normal.

You are an amazing person, and you know it  :) - you must never ever forget how special you are, and the things you done, not only for me but for other people too. It is a bitch of a world out there and you were sent to save me and others.
 You put everyone first, and sometimes you forget about yourself, you are always moaning to me about how I dont put myself first and how i worry about everyone else too much and not myself but the same goes for you. You do the same. For once my darling girl - you need to go out and treat yourself.

You are perfect, no matter how much anyone tries to tell you that you are not. You are wonderful.

Yet, the most important thing, the thing in which I consider to be the greatest thing of all is that you accepted me as a friend - knew the baggage that i carried, in which put others off, you took me in, brightened me up, wiped away the tears and where there at the end of the day. You are my best friend. And without you - well the though gives me shivers.

I love you <3

A million miles away

Sat in an internet cafe, not quite a million miles away from the normal, rather boring life I lead - im sat here, wondering what is happening at home, is there something someones not telling me because they dont wanna ruin my time away - is there something thats going on. I know its just paranoid but thats life and thats me.
I know its not quite a million miles away - but it might aswell be, I dont like being away from my friends for long periods of time, and the only thing that is keeping me from being completely cut of from them is this very computer that im sat on right now - in which every ten minutes requires another euro to work.
Sad times as now I have no money left and only 4 minutes left. 4 minutes in which I have so much to say, so many people to check on and make sure they are okay - and 4 minutes to type a very important email - one a day, to one of my best friends. This email is the most important thing because we are inseparble and she never seems to beonline whenever I am so it is important i send this email. I look back to when my parents were smaller, listening to the stories they often tell, the endless stories in which I love hearing so much and I realise how different life actually was - life without computers and mobile phones. How would we survive...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow: Everyone else seems hugely excited - but to me it just feels normal, at three o'clock tomorrow morning I am sure it will kick in and I will implode with excitement. But right now - its just a normal Thursday night, sat here being told to tidy my room, watching EastEnders with the sister and waiting for my dad to come home with dinner.

Today: Well today was just a taster of what the future holds, it was so exciting, such an amazing day and I cannot wait to begin at sixth form in September. With a small taster of all my AS levels, I decided immediately that Economics was not for me, and after a nervous and tearful conversation - which now seems ridiculous but at the time in such a tizz.

Yesterday: Yesterday was interesting, like the Apprentice we were split into 5 groups, which were next year form groups - we had to create, design, produce and finance the making of a new console for a town of population of 100, 000. It was a good experience and I learnt many valuable skills from it.

The Future: A very scary thing, not knowing what will happen. Every day the inevitable comes closer, yet you do not know what this may be. I know what I want, and in a way I know what I have to do to be able to achieve this - yet today hit home about how difficult it was going to be. By lunch I was already stressing out, panicking about how I was going to fit everything, how I was going to manage all the work. 4 hours study for every hour of a lesson. Lots and lots of work, the stress I faced this year will be nothing compared to the stress in which I will face in the next to years. The pressure will be huge, unlike anything I have ever experienced. And I think in the end, the two years will be the best, the most memorable, the friends I make these two years, will be the ones I keep for a long time and the memories will be ones that stay with me forever. And the pictures I will take will be the ones that are stuck on the walls at my 50th birthday party. It is an exciting prospect yet one I fear a huge amount. To the new friends I have made, welcome and to the old ones well you know how much I love you guys.

There is so so so much I want to say and I just don't know which order or how to put it all into words. There are so many exciting things happening this summer, bbqs, parties, celebrations, results... the list goes on and on. It is a summer I have been looking forward to since I realised that my GCSEs were over and done that this summer was going to be one long hot one full of fun:)

Talking again

Things are better with you. Things feel stronger. And tonight - I opened up to you again, put my trust in you and realised how bad I do need you to help me through, make it better and make me see sense. It is certainly times like these you realise who your real friends are. Today I met lots of new people, people who I vaguely knew through facebook and people that had never crossed my path before. These people were truly amazing, and I admire their courage. Tomorrows another day and I have to keep strong, but right now - I just wanna crawl under a rock and hide away for a while.

As I take my make up off

This evening, as I stood opposite the mirror taking off my make up - I realised that tomorrow was the beginning of the future. That thought indeed is a very scary prospect.

I have not much to say other than I need to grow up, become more organised, and start things earlier.

I have 45 minutes until I need to go to bed so that I can get up at the right time - yet I have so much to do -  which is why this blog is only small.

I love you Jenny x

I am sorrier

I hope you read these, check these regularly because to think that you have felt like that since that night truly hurts me. I still love you, more than I could ever tell you. I still think of you the same. I still adore you. And my only excuse is that I cant find the words to say. Now it has come to the point the words are not important - its the actions in which I take which are important.
Even sat here, behind a computer screen, with all the words in the world I am finding it difficult to form a sentence. I am just going to say it all, truly all, and I would like it if we could just move on.


You are my baby girl, my little baby girl and I treated you like shit. There is nothing in this world which can justify what I said to you. I had had a particular bad evening and I just took everything out on you. Which was awful. I asked for your opinion, I wanted to know that you were okay with me, I didn't want you to hate me for something in which I detest my self for. The thought of you dis-liking it ripped my to shreds. I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried, how much I regret every word I said, how sorry I truly am. Some things are so much more complicated than they first may seem. And if I am being honest I do not know what happened to make it like this. 


I am truly and utterly sorry, but somehow sorry just doesn't seem enough to make it all better. It will never be the end, we are made of stronger stuff. I just need to grow up and act my age and accept that I am wrong, and that people aren't against me, they only care.  For years, I taught myself to not get attached because people will only leave you, people will only hurt you, people don't care, they are only out for themselves, but I was wrong, so so wrong. I am so angry at myself, more angry than you could possibly imagine, for letting this happen, letting it go this far. I feel so guilty, so horrible, like a bitch. You were there when no one else was, you were the person who I text at ten o'clock saying can I meet you. The person whose arms I ran into tears pouring from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, onto your shoulders. I can never replace that kind of love I hold for you. These past few weeks, things haven't been right - I felt like something is out of place, something is wrong, something is missing. It is not a pleasant feeling. And I hope it is one that can be sorted and fixed..


I have always said that I am the kind of person who puts my friends first, will be there when the need be - even if it is half past three in the morning - I am only a text away. Yet these past few days, weeks maybe even months - I haven't been following this - I have been selfish and put myself first. This now feels awful, I don't like putting myself first and I have learnt from my mistakes. And I only hope that you can forgive me.


Like you I have written many many many posts, but half way through I stopped and thought that it wasn't right, something was missing, this had to be right - this had to contain everything that I wanted to say. Im so sorry, sorrier than I think I have ever been before, and please understand this was not your fault. It was purely and solely mine. I am Sorry <3

Inspiration

To write this blog, this post - I need inspiration, I find it from the most strangest places - shops, the street, youtube videos, my bedroom floor where a magazine is casually sprawled across my floor, anything really something that means something to me. Important things in life that maybe just don't get enough recognition. Things that have happened to me. Things that have happened to others.
Recently I have found is extremely difficult to find something to write about - crazily searching my empty mind to find something interesting - something worth reading. I am often very concious about the fact that many of my posts are long and incredibly boring.
I write a lot about myself, because that is the easiest thing to write about, I relate to the posts as I read them back, casually editing the bits in which I have written which are just that little bit personal, that bit over the top, and do not need to be posted on the internet.
Today, I was tired - after a very long previous night and a very early morning, I spent most of the day trying to keep my eyes open, concentrating on conversations so as not to loose track of everything. Tiredness comes with downs though - all day I was in a major grump. Looking back this was so immature - something that reminded me so badly of the days when I was a child, a young child. Especially the days spent on the beach. Long days, lots of walking, playing, no sleep because you didn't want to miss anything, a casual stroll to the hotel for dinner and then you would go out for the evening - I didn't really do much to be tired - other than have a late night. It shows how much times change. Times change and so do people.
This year, more prominently I have noticed people changing, maturing, acting differently and becoming different people. Some are still my friends others have moved on. Even I have changed, in many ways. I notice these changes every day. Some changes for the good, other changes not so good.
People change - and instead of fighting it - the thing to do is accept it and walk the path in which is shown to you. Live each day as it comes, do not plan to far ahead.

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come.
 But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up!"


To the one person reading this, you know who you are - read that quote, re read it and sleep on it. I love you <3 

Just a girl

Im just one person, one small person in this place known at this moment in time as Earth, but I am sure in the future - or the past the name will or has been different.
I am just one person - I cant change a lot, I cant perform miracles, but the things that I am able to do, are important to me. The small changes I make help to make bigger changes in the future.
They say that the beating of a butterflies wings can create a storm a world away.


Something so small can create something big. In this case it is in a negative outlook. Once considered to be a "grown up" I know I certainly saw the world and life in a very different way. Being a child meant protection from the nastiest things in life, and not fully understanding the full story. Yet at 16 I think the majority of stories that come on the news holding the most gruesome outcomes I understand.

Yesterday whilst browsing some videos I found one of a news clip about a father who surprised his son at school. I saw the title of the video - and I thought how peculiar why would he just go to the school to surprise his son, whom he saw just that morning, or tucked into bed that previous night. It wasn't until I saw this clip with the man walking in the door that I truly understood the concept. This man, the father of this 6 year old boy, walked into the classroom wearing his ACU (advanced combat uniform). On seeing this uniform I immediately understood the story. This man, had been fighting for his country, given up precious time with his son, his wife and other family members to risk his own life serving for his country.
Watching this video - shocked the living day lights out of me. I sat there in the darkness of my living room, just the laptop as the source of light, no one else home. Crying, I'm not sure why I cried if I am being perfectly honest. Maybe it was because this boy saw his dad, this 6 year old little boy sprang from his seat ran across the room and leaped into his fathers welcoming arms crying "Daddy you're home", maybe it was the fact that I had never even given these thoughts consideration in the past - of course I knew that there were soldiers risking their lives for their countries, and of course I knew the family at home, but I have never before imagined the childrens reactions to when their father, or mother comes home. Or maybe it was the fact that I realised that everday I see my dad, everday I get to say good morning, or good night, kiss and hug him when I want, talk to him when I need, ask him for advice, - face to face. Not over a letter. My dad was stood watching me get out of my limo when I left school, he saw me take my first steps, speak my first words, picked me up when I fell. Maybe I realised that for the past 16 years I have been taken advantage of the fact that my dad, has just been there, when I needed him. 

Luke

I know you occasionally read this - by your subtle hints about the appalling poetry. I have done one for Dan, and  I thought that I should do one for my Luke.
I have known for what seems like forever - and you are one of the greatest friends I have. I am proud to call you a friend. You are so intelligent and intellectual. I love our late night conversations and the fact that usually you are the only person that bothers talking to me and carry on talking. I love how we never run out of things to say. And I love how you always know the answer. But the things I love the most are your acceptance of me as I am, the way you just know what to do, and your opinions.
Its only short, and I know its not much. But really you mean the world to me. Thank you Lukey Boy :)

I dont know what to write

I have loads of things that I want to say, I need to say and that I crave to say - but finding the words isnt all that easy, and having the trust - is three times harder. 
I dont trust anyone as much as prehaps I would - there is not one person on this earth at this very precise second that I could tell anyone knowing that it would go no further.


There are people, older people, people whom I idolise in which I would love to tell - but the chances of them having to take it further is huge. And I absolutely refuse to put myself in this situation again. 
Im not ungrateful for what happened - but I wish it could've been different. I wish it was me that spoke the words, not you.

The words I long to say, wish to say, to certain people - the script I have planned in my head. I know what I wanna say - I just dont know how. For some this may seem ridiculous "what does she mean - she can speak cant she?" Yes I can speak, but what I mean is I do not know how to form the sentences - put the right words together to make it sound okay, make it sound less serious than it actually is. Some people know, some dont. I would prefer it if nobody knew, thats just the way I work - I would prefer to be someone people didnt think of me in prehaps the way the do and see me in the way they do. If anything I would like to go back - to being the girl I was in September to everyone but myself - life would be so much simpler :) 

Why I shouldnt be allowed to write poetry

A silent tear rolls down your face
She has gone to a better place
The clouds above hold her fears
While the ground below catches your tears


A cuddle, a cry, a scream of pain 
Behind their eyes a hint of shame
The memories running back on replay
Wishing you could turn back a day 


Make it all different
Even if just for day
Say what you wanted to say 
Tell her you love her


This is just one of the many pieces of poetry I have written - its not great, but its personal to myself and it makes you reconsider alot of things, well it does for me anyway.

You are beautiful

Teenagers, especially girls are always putting themselves down, saying they are not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, too spotty, their hair is too greasy. The list goes on. Whilst writing this - one person is in mind. 


You are beautiful, perfect and gorgeous. Even though sometimes you dont think you are - to me you are perfect. Maybe my opinion is a little biased - but that shouldnt matter, no bodies opinions of yourself should matter, those that put you down are just jealous and insecure.

Keep smiling beautiful...


I love you - with every single millimetre of my cold cold heart