HKO

You know who you are, or should do once I send you this link - :)
I love you.
Completely.
Im so glad I have you to text when the world is falling down. I am so glad that we became friends, even though its only been just recently, I wish it had been a long time ago. Because I could have really done with an amazing friend like you just a year ago. When the world was going crap, someone like you to talk to would have been so much fun.
And I know that this last year, has been a bitch for you too, a complete bitch, bitchier than mine - but the fact of the matter is we have come out the other side smiling. And I wish, 100% that I had been there to help you through when times were tough.
I cant even describe the love and admiration I have for you, I think you are an amazing person with amazing qualities, and I know I'm not the only one. You are an amazing actor and your acting in grease made me so proud to be able to call you a friend. My parents have met you like once and love you to pieces.
You are stunning and wonderful, and sometimes I wonder how you smile each and every day - but you do and its amazing, truly fantastic.
I love our bitching sessions, we need them more often, because we quite clearly hold the same opinions about the same people - which is just fantastic because for once, I know someone feels the same way.
Last week in Oxford was our breaking point, im not going to lie, I was very very nervous, because wed never been out just the two of us and i was so worried that I would say something wrong and you would hate me forever - which now seems silly but I get very worked up about small things like that.
I look forward to not only the coming weeks, but the coming years, because you are one of the few people who I want to keep not in my past, but in my future. I want you to be at my wedding - in which I think with enough sociology lessons will be planned by the time we leave sixth form ;)
I love how you laugh at everything with in reason, not like peoples misfortune but just the funny things.
I love your smile, When I see you smile it makes me smile - knowing that you are happy just makes my day.
I love that I text you or "whatsapp" you when things are going crappy and you know the answer, I love the fact that i know I can trust you more than i could trust any one else. And I do look forward to our coffee - it will be a truly significant point - I love how you trust me, a little. And although I dont always know the answer - I will always try my best to be the bestest friend I can be, support you through what ever it is, and be there, when noone else is, and when you are sad, please know that I would walk the length of Bicester, to come and give you a massive hug and make it all better.
I love you so much - Never ever forget that you have a friend in me.
<3

You went to bed without saying goodnight

All day youve been in this massive shit of a mood with me.
You shouted at me infront of my friends, twice,
and then whilst im sobbing locked in the bath room you walked up the stairs, banged the door down and told me I was selfish, told me I was horrible, threatened to throw my friends out.

It is my birthday.
Would it hurt you to be nice
just for one day
forget the shouting
forget the nastiness
and forget everything - not forever just one day.

I understand that you're hurting, but so I am.
A lot more than you realise.

I dont understand what i done wrong,
i really dont understand.

tell me, and  I will try my hardest to fix it I promise
but until I know then theres nothing I can do.

This is my story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtZaNbjEDcU

This is my story,
the beginning,
the end,
and the massive part in the middle which is missing.

Such a sad story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z32H915WHTA&feature=related

Whilst watching this, and even after watching it, im sat here bawling my eyes out. Although its sad, it shows what true love is. x

1 in 12 of your friends have attempted suicide and 1 in 5 of them have thought about it.

Hi. My name is Sophie. Im 16, nearly 17. I have long blondey brown hair and green eyes. I have a mum, a dad and a sister. I go to sixth form and studying AS Levels in Art, English Literature, Psychology and Sociology. When I grow up I want to be a teacher. And for all of you reading this, you really have no idea who the real me is.
And with the title of this post, not having much relevance other than the fact that people can put on a good show, and myself wanting to raise the awareness of suicide, and suicidal thoughts. 
Suicide is a difficult subject for everyone to talk about, not only is there a trail of broken people left behind, but all the questions and the mind blowing confusion as to how they could have missed the person being so unhappy. 
Some people, have no-one, some people have everyone. 
I knew someone, who loved his mother so much, she was the only person that had ever touched his life, he had no father to look up to, his mother had solely bought him up, When his mother died, he was left with no one, neighbours witnessed him leaving the house, posting the key back through the door and walk down the middle of the street, crying whilst shouting "Im never coming home, never" a week later his body was found hanging in the wood. 
Its no way to go, its not fair on the people you leave behind, leaving unanswered questions. 
Always remember this...

A Road To Who Knows Where

This path I am taking, the road I am following, is a road in which the outcome is unknown, the ending is still unclear. I have many aspirations, many dreams to be something truly fantastic yet to achieve this - I must put a 110%  effort in. Something in which I always try my utmost hardest to achieve, and portray. Some know how hard I work, a lot dont, but in order to achieve something small I must work hard.
Therefore to achieve what I need, its going to be a struggle, but I am confident that as long as I try my hardest then I will be rewarded in turn. The future is a scary thing, and thinking about it gives me a strange shiver down the back of my spine. Watching, the paths others have taken, comparing them to each, there are so many options to choose from. I know that in the end, I will make the right decision, if not at first. People learn from their mistakes, and it has to be their mistakes that they learn from. Just because friends have made the mistakes, does not mean they will ultimately work to avoid doing the same. In order to completely understand the true consequences of these actions, they must fore go, make the mistakes, feel the hurt and then realise that and understand that it cant happen again.
Watching someone make the same mistake as you did, is never easy. Especially when it is someone who has helped you so much, but I have learnt to stop trying to stop them making the mistake. They are happy at the moment, and as long as my girlies are happy, then I am happy.
In life you dont just need one specific friend, one person whom you rely on so much that eventually it can only end in hurt, tears and pain. A group of friends, friends from lots of different groups is what I have. And I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest people walking this earth. I have so many friends, all with different qualities, all with a different sense of humour, and all so fantastically unique it makes them all so individually special. Each and everyone one of my friends deserves the world, the support me when I need it and make me smile when all I want to do is cry. They know when Im not okay and they make it all better, and I sincerely hope that I do the same in return.
I have one week left of being 16, another year passes, and in a way, I feel like a year has been wasted, being stressed, miserable and down. Its a year that I will never get back, or be able to make it up. Therefore, this year, my birthday resolution is to spend a year being happy, a year being up and make the most of being 17 :)

40 Things About Me...

1. My full name is Sophie Jade Grose
2. I have a thing for shoes - I have some shoes that are black with pink love hearts on :)
3. Im already struggling - and worrying at the prospect of having to write another 37 of these :/
4. My biggest wish is to have mind reading powers because that would make life a dam site easier
5. My greatest ambition is to be a teacher - and help others like I have been helped
6. I have a secret addiction to Alan Rickman -.- although its not even that secret any more
7.I have 4329 songs on my iTunes and 4081 on my iPod
8.Music elates me, I go crazy when listening to music in the house alone - dancing and singing around like a crazy thing
9. I dont like bananas but I love banana cake,
10. I have an allergy to some kinds of soap :(
11. I swear secretly im like a spy - I can find loads out about people just like that:)
12. I write a blog, that is so bloody depressing its unreal - but I like it :)
13. I have a list of things to do - but right now I am wasting time doing this.
14. I am went to South Africa
 15. I always have either a hair band or elastic band around my wrist - they come in very useful
16. I love sixth form
17. I absolutely hate having cold feet it drives me insane
18. I can be an absolute bitch when I want to be - :)
 19. I speak my mind - the majority of the time
20. Im like marmite - you either love me or hate me :)
21. I keep forgetting the numbers and its really annoying me
 22. This morning I had to run to school because I was super super late :(
 23. I absolutely hate mushrooms they remind me of dolphins - but I still eat them if they are put on my plate :S
24. I sometimes say and do the stupidest things - yesterday I thought my dog was flying past the window - it was a carrier
 25. I am a worrier, I worry about everyone, anyone and everything- its a good cause
 26. I have this huge phobia of snakes - have done ever since nursery when this man put a snake around my neck :S
27. Hate is a strong word - I use it only in a few special cases ima make a difference to what happened so it doesnt again
28.  I like to talk quite a lot, but im actually quite shy, and lack a little bit of confidence over certain things
 29. When given the chance I can be quite good at things
30. Sometimes I wish people wouldnt ask questions - lives by- "ask no questions, get told no lies"
31.  I wish people knew the real me
32. I have a plan for everything, my wedding, funeral, names, houses - everything
33. If I could relive one day it would be the river boat cruise - it was too good
34. I know what I want in life - and im going to get there even if it kills me
35. When at school I actually loved it - half term soon
36. I joke about everything,
37. I never ever will go to bed on an argument, never
38. I can remember songs really well - but when it comes to something important I cant
39. In life I have idols, who I strive to be like
40. Chances are these 40 things werent all that great but o well it was fun - I enjoyed it :)

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

I dont have a diary, sometimes I wish I did, but I dont keep up with it, end up loosing it, or find that someone has read through it. In a way this here, is my diary, yet somehow I manage to miss out the bits that no one needs to know.
So these unimportant balls of information are running round my over tired mind, constantly popping to the surface. I have never told anyone completely all of it - because firstly, it would be far to embarrassing, and far to complicated. The happenings of a thirteen year old should not be that, and that is as far as I am going.
The older you get, the more you realise that shit happens, to everyone. And sitting back, observing the past few weeks, Ive noticed how different people react in different ways, how they deal with emotions, and all the other things in life that put us to the test.
Between writing this, watching television, and nattering on Facebook, Im attempting to write an essay, its not going to great, which is no surprise. So I should probably get on with that...

.

My post has no title, because I cannot think of a suitable one that would fit right, and that is not hugely rude. This week has been so confusing in such a difficult way. I may be your "best friend" "the girl at the end of the phone" but its only ever on your terms. What about when im not okay? What about when I could do with a hug, a chat, to ring you up crying because of what's happened?
That's the thing, you are never there, when I need you - but foolish old me - Im always there for you. People tell me to walk away, take a step back - I dont think they realise how much it hurts me inside to think about what im leaving behind.  But then I re-evaluate the situation, take a look at it from the outside, and I realise that they are right, and have been for an awfully long time.
You pushed me away, and the hardest thing for me, is I could see you making the same mistakes that did - 4 years ago. I tried to tell you, explain it to you but you wouldn't listen. And then I read something that said "you have to learn from your own mistakes" The emphasis on the own made me realise, that you were never going to listen to me. You had to be hurt to know what happens.
So you see, these past two weeks, have been a bitch, and painting a smile on this brave face, I have gone out and tried to act like nothing is wrong, and even though I sat with you and told you what had happened, and you replied with "oh well" I didn't expect much, but oh well, hurt a little.
You rang me this morning, after I told you that a friend of my dads son had been in a terrible accident and died, and sat on the phone crying to me, I get it, you were upset, needed someone to talk to - and im glad you felt you could ring me. But not once did you ask after anyone else, not once did you ask if I was okay.
It was all about you, and thats the way it always is.

I love you so much, too much. And you know what they say:

" if you love something, set it free" 


I just want you to know, that these past few weeks, when Ive been trying so desperately to take a step back. That was my way of setting you free.

I know you dont read this, and never will.
But I needed to get it out of my system!

So tired, Cant sleep

Its late,
and im led in bed trying to sleep.
Failing miserably
I set up a deviant art account:

http://alwayslookingback.deviantart.com/

Its not the best, but its mine :)
Today was strange but this evening was just amazing.
I know who my real friends are <3

An Older Sister...

When I was small, vulnerable and innocent, all I wanted was an older sister. Someone to play hide and seek with me, to sit and read books with me, to chase me round the garden, and pick me up and cuddle me.
Now, an older sister would be the person that cuddles me when I'm crying, picks me up when I'm down, tells me its going to be okay even if at the moment it seemed never ending, gave me advice, helped me with homework, got me through the some of the trickiest times of my life so far, and someone who would listen, to all the bad things and make sense.

Biologically, I dont have an older sister, but mentally, in my head she is everything an older sister should be. Yes, maybe the situation is slightly peculiar, but I know that I could go to her with any problem and shed know exactly what to do.

Its amazing how much you can actually look up to someone, holding so much aspiration. But it is possible and is carried out every day with every person on this earth. Each person has one person, whom they currently are inspired by or have been inspired by, often more than once - dead or alive. Its truly unreal how fantastic it is :)

It was only the second day, and I hated it. Its okay now.

How Long....
How long will it take for someone to notice? How long is it going to take until someone asks? How long will it be before someone realises? Its just a question with an answer, that is inevitable, yet unknown.

The prospect slight scares me, throughout it all ive learnt is that history repeats itself just with different people  different people but with the same strings attached, the same emotions involved, and the same hurt circling around.

And as im sat here alone in a room full of people, a room full of laughter and speech. It reminds me so much of the first few dreaded weeks of year seven. Sat alone eating lunch on a bench, in this massive strange place was never fun and even though im not sat on a bench, im sat on a stool, in a large kitchen area, I realised it was a lonely world

I dont have one best friend, i did but recently its changed. I have lots of different friends all with different qualities, abilities and things about them that I adore. Im lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I find myself in previous post always talking about making it better - does it ever get better? or does it simply just die down, hide under the surface and occasionally rear its ugly head. Did I ever get better? Or did I just pretend to be okay, ignore it for a while. I dont think I will ever know the actual answer.

Im petrified about the future, the unknown hurt of my earlier cries, and my silent screams for help landing on ears that cant hear them, eyes that cant see them, but to people who care to much.

Im afraid of hurting you, letting you down and disappointing you. I watched it before, in your eyes, I saw the hurt and the pain, and now its the same.

Heres to future, which holds so much - but we just dont know what.

Are you okay?!

Right now I would do pretty much anything to turn back a week. 

or even a year.

A week ago, everything to everyone else was perfect - and now its just a big dollop of shit. 

and a year ago, I was so content and happy with everything. I had the perfect friends, who knew nothing but my untainted love.

Knew nothings of the horrors that were hidden beneath the surface.

But then, I knew none of theirs.

And then December came along, 

and screwed us all over. 

Made us realise that teenage years were not to be enjoyed, in fact they were there to put friendships to the complete and utter test, tear them savagely apart.

Noone knows why it happened, or even what caused it. But we all know how. When I say all, I mean those involved, those there at the time.

Then we moved on, the three of us, made new friends, clung to a new group. And they were even more perfect. 

And still are. 

The story goes...

On without you..
Ever since you went, 
ever since it finished
I realised what a waste of time
the whole year had been.


This week I have had a proper chance to reflect on it, it stings like an absolute bitch - but its about time someone heard my story, heard my side to the story, heard the truth about what happened.


Maybe they will be surprised, maybe they wont. But until I can face what really happened, the thing that occurred which left me hurting, still leaves me hurt when I think of it. But I have to move on, not just for me, for you, for the other you, for my family and for my friends. 


So from Monday,
its begins.

To you, all three of you...

Pulling the wool over your eyes hurt more than I can admit. I felt so guilty, the worst person in the world. For the first time I think I can truly say that I was out for my own benefit here. All you ever did was care for me and love me, yet I threw it in your face. All of your faces. And when I write this I have three people in mind. Three people who are so similar in so many ways. Three people whom I cherish and love in different individual ways. 
All I ever wanted was for you to be proud, see me smile and think I was okay. And you did, you really did but what you didn't know what I was hiding a whole other world from you. A different place where I lived, black and white, no colour exists. Writing this, not as letter, but not as a poem. Just something that flows, smoothly and softly with the cute piano tune playing in the background.
Im sorry that it had to be this way. My unseen hurt portrayed in your eyes, the unseen hurt shown in my lies. You said you knew when I lied, clearly you didn't, a sick, but small sense of joy hits me when I realise that I had you all fooled, had a fantastic mask on, painted a fantastic brave face on. 
Maybe I shouldn't taken drama, you all joke. Maybe I shouldn't have been such a jerk. At the moment I feel no emotion, just empty and hurt. More empty than anything. Like its all just a dream because this isnt me. People dont need to see me like this, know that im feeling this.
On wards and upwards, from now on, I promise you I will try so hard, to be okay, and to keep it contained. 

Peeping through my curtains

I love that winter feeling. My curtains are a jar my blind is half down and my lamp is on. My windows are closed and my radiators are on. I have a long sleeved jumper on with big socks and I have rosy cheeks. I can hear the wind blowing through the trees and see the street lights on the main road.

I love winter. More than summer. It brings a familiar warm feeling to my tummy, and makes everything seem okay.

Its nearly my birthday, and this year all im asking for is a hug, a cuddle and for everything to be okay for the next year. I dont want anything special - (other than a car)  I just want everyone to be happy, which ever path they choose to take.

If others are happy then I am too happy. Its Christmas after that, and this year im going to save really hard and this year, im only buying presents for a few people. But the presents I buy will be well worthy and show how much people mean to me.

Its not about presents. Christmas is a time of remembering the christian relgion. This is where I become inhumanely confused about religion, because I do not know what to believe, what is true. But does anyone truly?

So heres to the next few days, which will probably be a little tricky in places.
Always make good of a bad situation

Through the skin of my teeth

For the past few weeks, I answered with no.
For the past few weeks, Ive hidden it.
For the past few weeks, I have lied through my teeth.

And now, its out.
Now people know.
I have no choice.
I have to tell you.

I dont want to disappoint you,
or let you down.
But I know I will.
Which I guess,
is the worst part.

So wish me luck,
because tomorrow
im going to come see you.

And I hope that you dont see this
before I see you,
but in a way
I do.

Because it would make
it so much easier.
To form the sentences,
make the words.


Hurts.