I cant tell you how I feel, because it hurts to much. I cant show you how I feel because its written on my diary. I cant make you understand because your just not the same any more.
You do this every time, every time I form a friendship, a proper friendship. When I am finally happy with my friends, you feel so insecure. Like I am trying to replace you - which in no way I am.

I wish you could understand. I wish you could get this. Because right now, I feel so alone. There isnt anyone I can talk to. No-one I trust enough with this, I cant even form the words.

I can never tell you about half the stuff that has happened because you would flid, i would be even more of a disappointment than I am today, right now.

Ive tried to be the perfect daughter, ive tried to be the best that I can be. But its just not me. Im not the goody goody. Im just me, soph, your baby girl. The same person I always have been. And I really have no idea what I have done what wrong. So maybe you could just tell me so that I can make it better.

Sorry, for everything.

Ive never felt so guilt. Ive never hated myself more. Ive never regretted something as much. Ive never wanted to take it back.

I want things to be how they were.
Everything was perfect.
And now is not.

I don't like to think people are mad at me. Especially you, because without you, there would be no me.

Empty words

I cant find the words to say it.
I cant form the sentences in my head let alone face to face.
I cant stand the pain I feel when I imagine how hurt you'd be.

Needy

Sometimes I feel like a child, other times I feel like an adult.
In the times inbetween, I dont know what I feel like, but it is unpleasant. In a way I feel needy.

I have this need to be loved, heard, noticed, cared for, hugged, spoken to, listened to.

 It all just overflows like a jug being filled to the brim with water.

If you listen carefully...

If you listen carefully, if you listen hard enough you'll hear a little girl crying for her mum, she cant use the words to tell them what's wrong, yet as parents they should automatically knew.

There is just one strange thing with this picture, the baby girl, is trapped inside a teenagers body. Unable to use words, so crying in place of them seems the only option. She doesn't need feeding or changing, she doesn't need winding or a nap. All she wants is to be picked up and cuddled.

Maybe that was why I was crying this morning, not because I felt left out, not because you were shouting just because I needed a hug. And instead of getting it from you - I got it from someone else.

Its not the same any more.

Please remember this, or think of it because you don't read this.

Do you wear cardigans in the summer?

Tonight has been a strange night. I have been in the worst mood in the world, and then dancing around the room to bob the builder. Its just strange. Now, well now im just tired. 

But reflection earlier this evening made me realise that no matter how hard I try, how much I want it to be, how much I crave it and hurt because its not - it will never be my secret again. And with that, I will never be me. Never be the person I was before, the person I preferred. You can regret things, and believe me I do. And I don't mean this in a horrid way, but to this day I regret every letting the words slip from my mouth. It could be so different right now. 

When I say this, I don't mean to sound jealous, harsh, or rude. Seeing you like that today broke my heart, clearly explained by the tears, watching you do that, lock yourself away - scared me a little but hearing you say that, hearing you say that really upset me and hurt me.

The words I have no friends escaped your mouth, whilst I was sat downstairs. Can you imagine how that feels? Sometimes I think the same and then I remember that I have you. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, and then I look at Facebook, look at my phone, and realise that I have loads of people there for me. Loads of people that would listen.

I love you to pieces, more than you could ever possibly realise. I dont think you understand how much I love you. Which is why maybe you think you have no friends. I dont know what it is that I am doing wrong at the moment, but nothing seems to be right. Every word that came out of my mouth was wrong and it broke my heart to know that I wasn't helping , that I couldn't help, and it was, if anything, making it worse.

Im sorry that I couldnt have done anything, im sorry that i couldnt make it better, and im even sorrier that im not a good friend. Like I should be.

"You only have to pick up a news paper to know that times are hard the future is an uncertain and murky place. In these hard times we have a unique opportunity. It is an opportunity to build something truly unique, an opportunity to help create a community which might just help to create a better future. This community will allow us to grow, to prosper and to create a better world for our futures. We can learn from the mistakes of time past and learn how to become the leaders who will ensure we never make the same mistakes again. These are high ambitions but at this the beginning of a truly historic time for this school, this town and this community our ambitions should not flinch from being the highest they can be. We all have a unique opportunity to play a part in forging a better future. We have an opportunity to create, an opportunity to build and an opportunity to flourish but most of all we have an opportunity to learn"


Where the words we heard, at the opening of our new built sixth form centre. The opening of the future, and a prospect in which excited many. For the first time for years, I was excited to go to school, excited to  restart in September and even more excited about the lessons I was going to start, or continue in some cases.

Now looking at it - it could all go pear shaped, I doubt it will, and I truly hope it wont. A possibly disappointment lies a head. In less than a week, the year 11s of 2011 will go to their school, nervously awaiting their results from the exams they had taken that summer. 2 months of anxiousness, 2 months of sheer nervousness and 2 months of not knowing what to expect.

Although, my predicted grades are good, it all depends on the exam questions. Nothing is clear, nothing is written in stone until you receive these results. There is always that question in the back of your mind. What if? What if I don't get good enough results to get into sixth form, and take the subjects I have spent the last 6 months preparing myself for, getting excited about. Nervousness is an emotion that I very rarily feel and until this year, I truly didnt understand what it really felt like.

Standing in a line, alphabetically, in silence clinging hold of a clear pencil case and going over the lessons topics, important things to remember; a constant adrenaline build up growing stronger and bigger by the second.  

Now rushing through all the books I have to read, all the work I have to do. I truly fear how hard the next two years are going to be.

I'm 16

For the past 5 years I have been treated like an adult and expected to constantly act like one.  At the age of 11 I was hit in the face with stuff which I didn't understand, couldn't understand or wouldn't understand. To this day, almost 5 years later and I still don't know why I refused to accept it. I left it to bubble on the side, re surface when I was a little older, understood a little better and could hide it all away a little more.

At the age of 12, confused within a world of heavy metal, thick make up and miss-leading friends I ended up in a sticky situation. With no-one to turn to, no elder sibling to ask for advice I found myself falling deeper and deeper, further and further. 13 was pretty much the same.

At the age of 14 I started to see the world from a different prospective, dropping the whole " emo " look I became a self respected young lady. Wearing skirts in place of jeans, and eye shadow instead of eye liner. I regained my girls, took control of my actions, all though so hobbies, habits and addictions just stay, forever, waiting beneath the surface until times get hard again.

15 & 16, GCSE's, all the fun in the world. Not. Stress, strain and struggle. The three S's, but they were good years in other ways. Such like the fact that I made some amazing friends, re connected with people whom I had known when I was smaller.

Yet now, I am 2 months and 11 days from being 17, my parents are beginning to treat me like the 11 year old, that lost her childhood a long time ago. Not being allowed to make my own decisions. Simple things like this get me down.

Maybe I am making mountains out of molehills, blowing things out of proportion, to some this would be just a minor blip in the road, for others something so huge its unreal. For me its something in the middle. Not horrid, but not simple either.  

My Friend Lauren

My friend Lauren, is tall and has hazel eyes. She has long blondey browny hair all down her back. Shes a ballet dancer and likes to sing really loud. But these qualities are nothing compared to her other qualities.

She looks after me, like a big sister. She cares for me like a mother. And she laughs at me like an enemy. She listens to me when I need to talk and she gives me big hugs.

I love Lauren

Its All Just Lies

Right now,
All I feel is that its all lies.
Every day is a lie.
Every Cigarette I smoke is a lie.
Every word I say is a lie.
Every Smile I show is a lie.
Every breathe I take is a lie.
Every Action I make is a lie.
Its all just lies

I want

I want to  tell you so bad, but I cant find the words to say. I want to be able to tell you its going to be okay, but im not sure its going to be. I want you to be okay. I want you to understand. I want you to be there. I want you to know that I am trying so hard, so so hard.


When I was small I would constantly chant the same verse "I want this, I want that" over and over again at the most random things. Things that had no meaning, no need and no importance to everyday life. Soon enough I became best friends with the phrase "I wants don't get"


For a 5 year old, this sentence was the dreaded repeated sentence, that meant shortly and simply no.

Now, I dont want things that are worth any money value. I just want things that mean something to me.

I just want things to be normal...

Whirlwinds

After reading your blog, I realised that I too have a lot of work to do. That I too have under estimated the amount of time needed to complete this work to my level of satisfaction and that I too will probably stress until it is absolutely perfect.

It is here, at this point that I have this sudden wave of fear rush over me, as I truly begin to understand what A-Levels are going to truly be like. They say that sixth form are the best to years in education, the most fantastic and the most dominant and prominent, the ones you will remember most. Yet the thing that they missed off when explaining how wonderful it was - was the amount of work, homework, stress and strain is involved and included with each and every days work.

It is not something that I would say - I am overly afraid of, just slightly fearful at how much strain its going to put us under. I don't work well when stressed, and I am now beginning to realise that GCSE was nothing compared to what lies ahead. I found GCSE unbelievably stressful, going for many days without sleep, proper food and surviving of revision, coffee and energy drinks. A time that I remember only too well.

Now with the summer almost half way through, I truly realise the important of needing to start the work, and actually finish it, instead of getting half way through and giving up. I see the importance in preparing myself for the busy two years ahead. Instead, I am going out, staying up late and completely ruining my sleeping pattern completely.

Routine is something I truly hate, yet miss when weeks of crazy-ness come about. I am tired, yet cant sleep. Strange I know, yet so frustrating I cannot begin to explain. So to the future, bring it on.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just get real stuck for words, for those who know me, they may think that is a ludicrous thing to say. Sophie - stuck for words. When I say stuck, I mean I write half a blog, stop, re read it and then delete it. I am adamant to post this one, and make it a good one at that.

I always get lost, distracted or end up trying to avoid finishing. I very rarely end up satisfied with what I have written and often end up scrapping it. Concious, self concious - Maybe, I know I am, I've been told enough times for me never to forget.

So as I am sat here, really late, really tired, slightly sick with make up everywhere I realise the important of just the smallest things. Listening to the top played in my play list, so many memories flood me. Good, bad, happy & sad.

Tonight was a brilliant night, just a simple shitty movie, but it was the company that made it all the best. My best friend, her mum, sister and neighbour. We just laughed our way through the night. And even though I felt hugely insecure and uncomfortable with the movie - due to the story line, I was able to look through that and enjoy the evening.

Music, music is my life, it can change my mood in seconds, can change what I am thinking, warm me up, calm me down, make it better, make me see sense or make me see worse things. Depending on the music it can change the day for me.

Help

Sometimes I find myself screaming for help in the most unusual and eccentric ways. This thought often stirs me to think about others and their cries for help. Am I missing the obvious signs, am I stumbling over subjects in which someone wants to, needs to mull over.

For you.

I cannot tell you how much i hate being this far away, only limited to what i can and cant do, only saying words that dont make sense really - not being able to run to you and give you a big hug and make it all so much better.
I hate the fact that im sat here staring at a computer not knowing what is wrong - and what I need to do to help you.
I hate that I cant make it better.
but the thing i hate the most is knowing that your not okay, knowing you are sad and knowing that here, a gazillion miles away, I can do absolutely nothing.
I hope you read this.
You will know its for you, you always do, and you always tell me to not make them to do so technically this isnt but is at the same time. For outsiders this may seem unbelivably complicated but for us - just us two, it is normal, completely normal.

You are an amazing person, and you know it  :) - you must never ever forget how special you are, and the things you done, not only for me but for other people too. It is a bitch of a world out there and you were sent to save me and others.
 You put everyone first, and sometimes you forget about yourself, you are always moaning to me about how I dont put myself first and how i worry about everyone else too much and not myself but the same goes for you. You do the same. For once my darling girl - you need to go out and treat yourself.

You are perfect, no matter how much anyone tries to tell you that you are not. You are wonderful.

Yet, the most important thing, the thing in which I consider to be the greatest thing of all is that you accepted me as a friend - knew the baggage that i carried, in which put others off, you took me in, brightened me up, wiped away the tears and where there at the end of the day. You are my best friend. And without you - well the though gives me shivers.

I love you <3