Random I know but so significant to me, and possibly my friends. I laughed so much today over some of the silliest things. Simple things that to other people would make absolutely no sense.
Today I realised many things - I tend to each day I learn a little bit more about someone, realise something else and come to conclusions.
Laughing is so good for everyone - scientists suggest that it is good exercise. A day without laugh is a day wasted
So true, today I laughed more than I had in a long time - and it felt so good . I felt care free and worry free.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Tears are annoying little balls of salty water that fall at the most inappropriate times. Happy tears, sad tears, confused tears, angry tears. So many different types of tears. With tears come all sorts of other issues - runny noses, sore eyes, run mascara.It seems such a waste - crying. Lots of people dont cry all that much, yet there are people that can cry at the smallest of things, crying is a good way to let out emotion.
If there is one thing I have never truly understood it is - why do people cry at weddings. Surely they are such happy events that tears shouldn't even be considered. Last year at my cousins wedding - it came clear to me that actually people cry at weddings because they are happy, not sad.
Tears, such good way to show so many emotions. I can think of so many emotions- and link them all into to tears, whether it is young or old ages in which they are related to - they still are there. Jealousy - as a child, many people will remember, crying because your best friend got new roller blades and you didn't and silly little childish things. Anger - especially as a teenager, I have really associated many things with anger, I become angered easily - I used to get rid of this anger in such a horrid way in which now a days I would not even consider - now left is crying away the anger. Sadness - everyone crys because they are sad at one point in their life or another, its a natural thing to cry when you are sad. The list goes on and on.
I have cried so many times, in front of so many different people - some I knew well, others I did not. Every time, I had to explain myself, why I was crying, what happened that was so bad that it made me cry. What people never understood is that sometimes there was no reason for my tears - and that I had just bottled up so much, I had to let it out. Someone had left the bowl under the tap and the bowl was beginning to overflow this is how it was explained to me once. At the time it made so much sense.
Songs make me cry, whether its the lyrics or the tune. The sweetest of each can bring pools to my eyes. Sometimes they bring back memories - some that make me happy, others that scar me, some which haunt me like a shadow.
If there is one thing I have never truly understood it is - why do people cry at weddings. Surely they are such happy events that tears shouldn't even be considered. Last year at my cousins wedding - it came clear to me that actually people cry at weddings because they are happy, not sad.
Tears, such good way to show so many emotions. I can think of so many emotions- and link them all into to tears, whether it is young or old ages in which they are related to - they still are there. Jealousy - as a child, many people will remember, crying because your best friend got new roller blades and you didn't and silly little childish things. Anger - especially as a teenager, I have really associated many things with anger, I become angered easily - I used to get rid of this anger in such a horrid way in which now a days I would not even consider - now left is crying away the anger. Sadness - everyone crys because they are sad at one point in their life or another, its a natural thing to cry when you are sad. The list goes on and on.
I have cried so many times, in front of so many different people - some I knew well, others I did not. Every time, I had to explain myself, why I was crying, what happened that was so bad that it made me cry. What people never understood is that sometimes there was no reason for my tears - and that I had just bottled up so much, I had to let it out. Someone had left the bowl under the tap and the bowl was beginning to overflow this is how it was explained to me once. At the time it made so much sense.
Songs make me cry, whether its the lyrics or the tune. The sweetest of each can bring pools to my eyes. Sometimes they bring back memories - some that make me happy, others that scar me, some which haunt me like a shadow.
Dear you, again
Dear,
You would be able to sort this mess out, if you were here.
You would make sense of it all. Right now its so confusing.
You would make it all better.
You would tell me it was all going to be okay
You would tell me what to say
Somehow you would sort it out, but you aren't here to sort it - and I have to remember that. Your light, lit my path - showed me the way and directed me.
These words are not mine - yet so very important
"It calls me closer, its calls me near
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consumes me
My minds demons bursting to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
"Just be still, just be brave"
I slash down with an improvised knife
"Forget this world, forget my life"
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
A Calmness comes over me
My last attempt please, it's got to be
"Screw everyone, that's made me into this"
The very same people who I'm going to miss
Tears stream down my cheek,
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak
Darkness surrounds me, I get a glimpse of the abyss
I embrace the darkness, then hear a shriek...
Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound
I feel my body drifting
I hear scraping, something's stirring around
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting
I hear a scream, I hear a moan
I want my family, I'm all alone
I hear cry, I hear a sob
And realize it's my own
I know I have sinned, still I pray to god
"Please get me out of this hell"
I start to yell...
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind
No one to help me, no one for me to find
I've never felt so scared....
My soul finally screamed and despaired
"I give up..."
A light???
My consciousness returns
As it starts to get bright
I feel myself falling
A faint faraway voice, I hear someone calling
Brighter now, getting brighter still
I feel myself escaping from this hell
Has it been months or has it been years?
Since I was stuck in that prison,
Trapped with my fears
I open my eyes, and look around
I'm lying in a bed in a hospital gown
The worried looks on their faces makes me ashamed
Sitting and staring no one makes a sound
"Sorry" is all I say...
Mother starts crying, my farther is sad
Finding me like that, must have been bad...
I get a kiss and a cuddle,
A pat from my father,
My minds in a muddle
I still manage a small smile,
And close my eyes for a while,
I promise myself, from this day on and till I die
I'm going to be the best person I can
Or at least try
Like a old cliché
"Live everyday like it's the last"
Forget all the bad days, I'm leaving them in the past
The sun is shining, my dark clouds have vanished
My demons have gone, finally banished
Life is good, life is great,
Forget wallowing in self pity
I tell you, straight."
Source: Self Harm, Suicide Poems and Stories http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22087#ixzz1Qbkf2OFX
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consumes me
My minds demons bursting to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
"Just be still, just be brave"
I slash down with an improvised knife
"Forget this world, forget my life"
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
A Calmness comes over me
My last attempt please, it's got to be
"Screw everyone, that's made me into this"
The very same people who I'm going to miss
Tears stream down my cheek,
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak
Darkness surrounds me, I get a glimpse of the abyss
I embrace the darkness, then hear a shriek...
Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound
I feel my body drifting
I hear scraping, something's stirring around
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting
I hear a scream, I hear a moan
I want my family, I'm all alone
I hear cry, I hear a sob
And realize it's my own
I know I have sinned, still I pray to god
"Please get me out of this hell"
I start to yell...
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind
No one to help me, no one for me to find
I've never felt so scared....
My soul finally screamed and despaired
"I give up..."
A light???
My consciousness returns
As it starts to get bright
I feel myself falling
A faint faraway voice, I hear someone calling
Brighter now, getting brighter still
I feel myself escaping from this hell
Has it been months or has it been years?
Since I was stuck in that prison,
Trapped with my fears
I open my eyes, and look around
I'm lying in a bed in a hospital gown
The worried looks on their faces makes me ashamed
Sitting and staring no one makes a sound
"Sorry" is all I say...
Mother starts crying, my farther is sad
Finding me like that, must have been bad...
I get a kiss and a cuddle,
A pat from my father,
My minds in a muddle
I still manage a small smile,
And close my eyes for a while,
I promise myself, from this day on and till I die
I'm going to be the best person I can
Or at least try
Like a old cliché
"Live everyday like it's the last"
Forget all the bad days, I'm leaving them in the past
The sun is shining, my dark clouds have vanished
My demons have gone, finally banished
Life is good, life is great,
Forget wallowing in self pity
I tell you, straight."
Source: Self Harm, Suicide Poems and Stories http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22087#ixzz1Qbkf2OFX
Growing up, looking back
When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up, be that little bit taller, have that extra respect and be mature. I look back at so many things and regret them, but when I look at the bigger picture - life is far too short to have regrets - you have to live for the moment, you cant live in the past - it will only bring you down.
I remember the funny things, the bad things, small insignificant things that I need not know, but the things in which I remember the most are the good times, and the times that hurt. I sometimes wish my mind had an erase and delete button - so that everything that has ever caused me pain, hurt, or any bad emotion can be erased forever.
Looking back at everything - I realise how embarrassing moments where, how I could have approached situations differently, and no matter how mature I may have felt at that time - I truly was not and just a child, a tiny child - who had no concept of the struggle, stress, strain, arguments and definitely not bitchiness or rudeness.
The things that at the time you thought were difficult are now merely just a bump in the pavement, looking back the problems were not problems at all. It seems silly how many friendships were lost because of the smallest thing. Now friendships are made of stronger stuff, and worse things break them.
Growing up is all not that great - you are hit with so many issues, problems all at once. It went from nothing to everything within about 6 weeks. I went from not understanding anything to being faced with a best friend suffering with what is to considered one of the worst psychiatric problems. For an 11 year old - that was a lot to cope and deal with.
I remember certain little things that I said - which at the time made me feel like such an innocent, carefree child. Now at 16 I look back and realise what a shit I have made of my life. Dependant on things that I would prefer to be forgotten, living a constant lie, deceiving my friends - when all they have been is good. Knowing how much they would be hurt if they knew the truth.
The truth is a funny thing, not everyone knows the truth about anyone. There is so much hidden, so much unsaid - I just wish I could tell someone without the fear of being judge, or it going any further. People know bits, little snippets, parts of the story, but no one knows it all.
And if there is one thing I miss the most about being a child, its not having to think about anything that could be serious. Not having to worry about what people think of you, what people say about you, how far people would go to protect you, how much it hurts. How someone eyes can tell a million lies - and knowing they are lying to you.
I remember the funny things, the bad things, small insignificant things that I need not know, but the things in which I remember the most are the good times, and the times that hurt. I sometimes wish my mind had an erase and delete button - so that everything that has ever caused me pain, hurt, or any bad emotion can be erased forever.
Looking back at everything - I realise how embarrassing moments where, how I could have approached situations differently, and no matter how mature I may have felt at that time - I truly was not and just a child, a tiny child - who had no concept of the struggle, stress, strain, arguments and definitely not bitchiness or rudeness.
The things that at the time you thought were difficult are now merely just a bump in the pavement, looking back the problems were not problems at all. It seems silly how many friendships were lost because of the smallest thing. Now friendships are made of stronger stuff, and worse things break them.
Growing up is all not that great - you are hit with so many issues, problems all at once. It went from nothing to everything within about 6 weeks. I went from not understanding anything to being faced with a best friend suffering with what is to considered one of the worst psychiatric problems. For an 11 year old - that was a lot to cope and deal with.
I remember certain little things that I said - which at the time made me feel like such an innocent, carefree child. Now at 16 I look back and realise what a shit I have made of my life. Dependant on things that I would prefer to be forgotten, living a constant lie, deceiving my friends - when all they have been is good. Knowing how much they would be hurt if they knew the truth.
The truth is a funny thing, not everyone knows the truth about anyone. There is so much hidden, so much unsaid - I just wish I could tell someone without the fear of being judge, or it going any further. People know bits, little snippets, parts of the story, but no one knows it all.
And if there is one thing I miss the most about being a child, its not having to think about anything that could be serious. Not having to worry about what people think of you, what people say about you, how far people would go to protect you, how much it hurts. How someone eyes can tell a million lies - and knowing they are lying to you.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Desperately Clinging
"And I told you to be patient and I told you to be kind"
Are the lyrics in which are echoing around my very empty - yet numb brain. They are also the lyrics that, when I am feeling spontaneous and loving I send to one of my besties - because she introduced me to this song. And since the introduction - I have fallen in love and listened to it over 200 times.
The song is not an overall happy one when you listen to the lyrics - but the tune is so sweet and its one of those songs that just warms your heart.
Today I had my last exam, I feel grown up and for a second - only a second, I felt like I was in the big wide world nothing then I remembered that I am sixteen and can run free but only for a while - my parents still had restrictions to some degree - but in a way this does not bother me. It gives me something to desperately cling on to - the little last bit of being a child.
Are the lyrics in which are echoing around my very empty - yet numb brain. They are also the lyrics that, when I am feeling spontaneous and loving I send to one of my besties - because she introduced me to this song. And since the introduction - I have fallen in love and listened to it over 200 times.
The song is not an overall happy one when you listen to the lyrics - but the tune is so sweet and its one of those songs that just warms your heart.
Today I had my last exam, I feel grown up and for a second - only a second, I felt like I was in the big wide world nothing then I remembered that I am sixteen and can run free but only for a while - my parents still had restrictions to some degree - but in a way this does not bother me. It gives me something to desperately cling on to - the little last bit of being a child.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
My Lol
My Lovely Lol,
To be honest - I feel really stupid when I write these things. People think I love writing them - I don't really they are all very soppy and sickly and tbh thats just not me.
I love you to absolute bits and pieces - and I never ever want to loose you. I love your family and treat them like my own too! I love the way we both make ourselves at home and we know each others passwords and just sit and chill and eat at each others house.
I have never had a friend quite like you.
No matter what my mood you always manage to cheer me up and make it all better. No matter how big the problem is you promise me you will sort it. No matter what it is you sew it back together and fix it again.
I have so many precious memories with you, most of them are the times you have dragged me kicking and screaming back to safety - if you get my gist.
When I am sat in my room - crying my eyes out, hugging myself, and drowning myself in tissues - you are the one I want and crave to come and cuddle me. You are the first person I run to when I am crying - Your shoulder is by far the best to cry on.
Without you Lauren, we both know where I would be, and that is quite a scary thought - you are the sole and life of my party - you make me smile so much even when you are throwing insults at me.
And I know sometimes - I laugh at you and make fun of you - but you know I am only joking. I love it when we have our pretend fights and just throw insults at each other constantly - I dont think any other friendship could withstand that ;)
Today was the first time we had had a proper catch up , a decent chance to talk - face to face- heart to heart. Today I remembered how much I did love you , and why we were friends - We just laugh at everything and anything. The smallest of things just make us crack up into fits.
Today was the nicest day ever - a 5 mile walk and then back to my house for a glass of peach snapps and then a walk to yours for about what seemed like a life time in the hot tub and then sat in the dark eating and watching the sun going down over the houses - it was beautiful just like you.
I have never taken the time to Thank-you properly - for everything you have done. You put up with so much crap with me, you took on all my baggage, all my shit and you bought me out the other side smiling. Supported me whole heartedly, throughout it all - for that I am eternally grateful! And I hope you know that I will always be there for you, no matter how big the problem is - we will always find the solution. Its me, your Soph, remember the saying Never fear for Sophie is here :)
I have so much to say but I am tired and need to be up in like 8 hours to meet you -
I love you Never ever forget how much I do
We always come out the other side smiling
We laugh, we cry, we make times fly
Best friends are we my sister and I
To be honest - I feel really stupid when I write these things. People think I love writing them - I don't really they are all very soppy and sickly and tbh thats just not me.
I love you to absolute bits and pieces - and I never ever want to loose you. I love your family and treat them like my own too! I love the way we both make ourselves at home and we know each others passwords and just sit and chill and eat at each others house.
I have never had a friend quite like you.
No matter what my mood you always manage to cheer me up and make it all better. No matter how big the problem is you promise me you will sort it. No matter what it is you sew it back together and fix it again.
I have so many precious memories with you, most of them are the times you have dragged me kicking and screaming back to safety - if you get my gist.
When I am sat in my room - crying my eyes out, hugging myself, and drowning myself in tissues - you are the one I want and crave to come and cuddle me. You are the first person I run to when I am crying - Your shoulder is by far the best to cry on.
Without you Lauren, we both know where I would be, and that is quite a scary thought - you are the sole and life of my party - you make me smile so much even when you are throwing insults at me.
And I know sometimes - I laugh at you and make fun of you - but you know I am only joking. I love it when we have our pretend fights and just throw insults at each other constantly - I dont think any other friendship could withstand that ;)
Today was the first time we had had a proper catch up , a decent chance to talk - face to face- heart to heart. Today I remembered how much I did love you , and why we were friends - We just laugh at everything and anything. The smallest of things just make us crack up into fits.
Today was the nicest day ever - a 5 mile walk and then back to my house for a glass of peach snapps and then a walk to yours for about what seemed like a life time in the hot tub and then sat in the dark eating and watching the sun going down over the houses - it was beautiful just like you.
I have never taken the time to Thank-you properly - for everything you have done. You put up with so much crap with me, you took on all my baggage, all my shit and you bought me out the other side smiling. Supported me whole heartedly, throughout it all - for that I am eternally grateful! And I hope you know that I will always be there for you, no matter how big the problem is - we will always find the solution. Its me, your Soph, remember the saying Never fear for Sophie is here :)
I have so much to say but I am tired and need to be up in like 8 hours to meet you -
I love you Never ever forget how much I do
We always come out the other side smiling
We laugh, we cry, we make times fly
Best friends are we my sister and I
Saturday, 25 June 2011
I wrote a song for you....
As the peaceful, calming music from Coldplay echos around my living room, it brings a smile to my face. Late night, dark night, summer night. Door open, lamp on, candle flickering, Glastonbury playing in the background.
This is a dream, to go to the Glastonbury Festival. Listen to my favourite music. Music is my life, it changes my mood - makes me happy and then again it can make me sad.
There isnt one day when I do not listen to music - wherever I am, my iPod is attached to my side. When walking I walk to the beat, singing away - often acquiring some strange looks and remarks - but if I am completely honest I do not care. I am in my own little world - and when I am there I am happy.
I express myself through music - playing the piano whilst singing helps relieve stress, anger and upset. The thought that such a simple thing can have such a dramatic effect on feelings is such a wonderful thought. Small and simple.
You truly can not understand the pure beauty of music, until you not only listen to the tune, the rhythm, the beat or the melody but the lyrics. Often the lyrics of a song can have so many different interpretations, yet the only person to know the true extent and meaning of the words is the writer themselves - like once I heard that Adeles - Chasing pavements was related to drugs: "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements" However googling the song there are many different interpretations in which people believe, thought up and decided. So many different meanings - such a complicated world.
Adele is truly my inspiration - I love her, I love her music, and I love her voice. Each night - it sends me to sleep with a smile on my face. Each song is different - each song has such depth and meaning it truly inspires me.
This is a dream, to go to the Glastonbury Festival. Listen to my favourite music. Music is my life, it changes my mood - makes me happy and then again it can make me sad.
There isnt one day when I do not listen to music - wherever I am, my iPod is attached to my side. When walking I walk to the beat, singing away - often acquiring some strange looks and remarks - but if I am completely honest I do not care. I am in my own little world - and when I am there I am happy.
I express myself through music - playing the piano whilst singing helps relieve stress, anger and upset. The thought that such a simple thing can have such a dramatic effect on feelings is such a wonderful thought. Small and simple.
You truly can not understand the pure beauty of music, until you not only listen to the tune, the rhythm, the beat or the melody but the lyrics. Often the lyrics of a song can have so many different interpretations, yet the only person to know the true extent and meaning of the words is the writer themselves - like once I heard that Adeles - Chasing pavements was related to drugs: "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements" However googling the song there are many different interpretations in which people believe, thought up and decided. So many different meanings - such a complicated world.
Adele is truly my inspiration - I love her, I love her music, and I love her voice. Each night - it sends me to sleep with a smile on my face. Each song is different - each song has such depth and meaning it truly inspires me.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Packing my uniform up
I have to wear my school uniform once more - on Monday - so putting aside a shirt, a skirt, a pair of tights, a jumper and my tights I empty my wardrobe of the rest of my uniform. A certain sadness strikes me - knowing that it is it. No more going back to being a little tiny child again crying when I fell and grazed my knees, and when I lost my teddy. When love, hurt and difficulties did not exist.
I have vivid memories of being a child, playing out in the street with all the other kids, when ever we played silly little games I would always be 16 - now at 16, I would do anything to just go back, just for one day to being small again. Being all grown up hasn't lived up to expectations. And to return to the times when nothing was an issue and the only thing that was bad was if you stayed up later than your bed time. I feel like I have spent my life wanting to grow up - do grown up things. I remember the days when smoking was a big nono but now its just normal. If there is such thing as normal, what is normal to one person - could be completely eccentric to the next.
I hold very few fond childhood memories, the good times didn't matter when you were a child because they were pretty much everyday as long as the ice cream man came round and you had your pound at the ready then it was a superb day. The bad days replay in my mind a lot - from a child, wishing that I had acted differently towards the people who caused them.
I remember how the smallest of things pleased me as a particularly young child - not like now a days - T.V programmes, the amazing technical improvements to dollies. I saw an advert the other day for a baby doll which spoke, done a wee, cried amongst many other things. When I was small - I was lucky if my baby blinked - and when it did - it usually was only with one eye. Yet these memories are the fondest. I once took my baby for a bath - Mum was so mad because she filled with water and she had to get my dad to take her apart to empty and dry her out. This memory makes me smile so much - so simply yet I thought it was the end of the world because my baby was in parts on the kitchen counter led on a towel.
Simple, yet significant. Memories are funny things, at times they can make you smile so much, and other times they can make you cry. Yet they are always present:
"Every man's memories is his own personal literature" Aldous Huxley
I have vivid memories of being a child, playing out in the street with all the other kids, when ever we played silly little games I would always be 16 - now at 16, I would do anything to just go back, just for one day to being small again. Being all grown up hasn't lived up to expectations. And to return to the times when nothing was an issue and the only thing that was bad was if you stayed up later than your bed time. I feel like I have spent my life wanting to grow up - do grown up things. I remember the days when smoking was a big nono but now its just normal. If there is such thing as normal, what is normal to one person - could be completely eccentric to the next.
I hold very few fond childhood memories, the good times didn't matter when you were a child because they were pretty much everyday as long as the ice cream man came round and you had your pound at the ready then it was a superb day. The bad days replay in my mind a lot - from a child, wishing that I had acted differently towards the people who caused them.
I remember how the smallest of things pleased me as a particularly young child - not like now a days - T.V programmes, the amazing technical improvements to dollies. I saw an advert the other day for a baby doll which spoke, done a wee, cried amongst many other things. When I was small - I was lucky if my baby blinked - and when it did - it usually was only with one eye. Yet these memories are the fondest. I once took my baby for a bath - Mum was so mad because she filled with water and she had to get my dad to take her apart to empty and dry her out. This memory makes me smile so much - so simply yet I thought it was the end of the world because my baby was in parts on the kitchen counter led on a towel.
Simple, yet significant. Memories are funny things, at times they can make you smile so much, and other times they can make you cry. Yet they are always present:
"Every man's memories is his own personal literature" Aldous Huxley
And as the end approaches
Im scared, a little worried and very nervous about what the future holds not just for me but the wonderful friends in which follow my footsteps. I love and cherish each memory I have with them especially those at school.
Its not really the end, everyone keeps syaing this to me, us. But as a group, not all of us are staying on - some are moving to other places. This is heartrenching and painful. I know we will still talk of course we will.
I had not accepted this until last night under extreme circumstances stood with 2 friends, saying its okay we can come down in another 3 months and just walk from school, then I realised we couldnt because one was in fact going to college - Its just the smallest things that catch me the most and stun me into utter amazement.
Like in my previous post - I have been inspired by the better, I know what I want to do, I have a dream and goal in which I will endeavour to achieve. This dream, ambition seems such a long walk away and such hard work - I know it will be, but im not afraid - no, in fact if there was any emotion I could relate to it - it would be excitement. The future of course - as scary as it is - is exciting. I have plans for everything, they will never be put inplace but they are just small dreams of how I wish it to be. The smallest of things can be so exciting like the colours of the bows to be placed on the back of the seats which will feature at my wedding - if I ever do indeed get married, or the names of the children I may, or may not have.
Everything, every small little thing which is to occur in my life has a plan - it does not always follow this plan but it has a plan. I was once told I was organised - but this person had not seen my bedroom - It is a mess. But thats because I am a teenager and it would be so insanely abnormal if it was neat and tidy. But no matter how much of a mess my room is - I can find and locate each and everything in which is placed in that room.
Its not really the end, everyone keeps syaing this to me, us. But as a group, not all of us are staying on - some are moving to other places. This is heartrenching and painful. I know we will still talk of course we will.
I had not accepted this until last night under extreme circumstances stood with 2 friends, saying its okay we can come down in another 3 months and just walk from school, then I realised we couldnt because one was in fact going to college - Its just the smallest things that catch me the most and stun me into utter amazement.
Like in my previous post - I have been inspired by the better, I know what I want to do, I have a dream and goal in which I will endeavour to achieve. This dream, ambition seems such a long walk away and such hard work - I know it will be, but im not afraid - no, in fact if there was any emotion I could relate to it - it would be excitement. The future of course - as scary as it is - is exciting. I have plans for everything, they will never be put inplace but they are just small dreams of how I wish it to be. The smallest of things can be so exciting like the colours of the bows to be placed on the back of the seats which will feature at my wedding - if I ever do indeed get married, or the names of the children I may, or may not have.
Everything, every small little thing which is to occur in my life has a plan - it does not always follow this plan but it has a plan. I was once told I was organised - but this person had not seen my bedroom - It is a mess. But thats because I am a teenager and it would be so insanely abnormal if it was neat and tidy. But no matter how much of a mess my room is - I can find and locate each and everything in which is placed in that room.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
This one is for you: To My Teachers
Tomorrow is my very last day of secondary school, I have of course an exam on Monday - but I will not be in school for another lesson after tomorrow. This theory is actually a rather scary one. So here is an ode to the amazing teachers who will never read this but as they say its the though that counts.
In the five years I have been at that school, I have been taught by the good, inspired by the better and learnt from the best.
Not only have they taught me the specification, they have taught me valuable life lessons, in which I put into practise each day. There are so many examples of these I could not possible begin to mention them all.
One not only taught me good French, good German she also took the time to persevere in making sure that my English was grammatically correct. Most teachers just ignored this fact that everyday I was speaking absolute nonsense but not this teachers :) And over the many years she took the time to teach me, our class learnt that she was a right laugh and enjoyed a jolly good joke. There have been many a time, on our last lesson, period 5 on a Friday we would find ourselves have a jolly good chat about all the funny things each and everyone got up to - it also helped that our class was a small one, only a class of nine.
Teachers are such wonderful people in that they really do put the effort into making lessons interesting and taking an interest into what you do, how you feel and what interests you as a person.
Another teacher, walked into a situation new to the school, didn't really know me as a person. However, she was made aware of something, she didnt ignore it of course she didnt its her job to make sure everyone is okay - but she went out of the way to change it, make it better and fix it.
I could write so much about each and every single teacher that has ever taught me, yet I do not have enough space on here, and im sure people would think it a little strange, freaky and peculiar - but those whom read my blog should know by now - That's just me
In the five years I have been at that school, I have been taught by the good, inspired by the better and learnt from the best.
Not only have they taught me the specification, they have taught me valuable life lessons, in which I put into practise each day. There are so many examples of these I could not possible begin to mention them all.
One not only taught me good French, good German she also took the time to persevere in making sure that my English was grammatically correct. Most teachers just ignored this fact that everyday I was speaking absolute nonsense but not this teachers :) And over the many years she took the time to teach me, our class learnt that she was a right laugh and enjoyed a jolly good joke. There have been many a time, on our last lesson, period 5 on a Friday we would find ourselves have a jolly good chat about all the funny things each and everyone got up to - it also helped that our class was a small one, only a class of nine.
Teachers are such wonderful people in that they really do put the effort into making lessons interesting and taking an interest into what you do, how you feel and what interests you as a person.
Another teacher, walked into a situation new to the school, didn't really know me as a person. However, she was made aware of something, she didnt ignore it of course she didnt its her job to make sure everyone is okay - but she went out of the way to change it, make it better and fix it.
I could write so much about each and every single teacher that has ever taught me, yet I do not have enough space on here, and im sure people would think it a little strange, freaky and peculiar - but those whom read my blog should know by now - That's just me
Is green to me the same as green to you?
Life is confusing. Different aspects of it confuse me immensely - like the questions that do not have answers. The questions that once though of ponder and play on your mind for an eternity. Knowing they will never be answered is the most irritating thing known to human kind.
I remember one of my first R.E lessons when I started primary school - it was all about the questions in which only God could answer. Similar questions yet not surrounding religion pop into my mind right now as I type this on my computer like - "where does space end", "is there anything else out there", "what happens once we die", "what will happen when I am dead and the world ends, will something amazing happen, or will it just fizzle away". These are just a few of the questions that circulate my busy mind on a day to day basis, distracting me from the main focuses of the day, creating situations in my head.
I believe my French teacher called it Aesthetics - the definition being - "the branch of metaphysics concerned with the laws of perception" She explained it to me in a way that confused the pants off of me. She used my bag which was innocently placed on the table as an example, she said:
"How do you know, that when you turn around - the bag on the table stays there or does it move because you can no longer see it"
Of course I replied with such of "well of course it doesn't move, the rest of the class can see it whilst I have my back turned"
In which she answered - "Ah, yes of course but their backs are not turned, only yours. How do you know that it is still there, you cant see it"
At first I poopooed this theory, what a load of tosh I thought to myself. However the more I dwelled on the subject the more I realised that in a certain peculiar way she was in fact right (she normally is, but that is besides the point)
How did I know - of course I didn't, and there was no way I could in fact prove it because my back was turned and of course I do not have eyes in the back of my head - no matter how many times I was told as a child that one day I would in fact grown them.
After thinking about the subject for a while, I was sat in form discussing it with my form teacher - who rudely told me that if I carried on thinking that way I would drive myself in sane.
Is the colour I perceive to be green, the colour you perceive to be green? - Maybe, maybe not. Such a confusing world in which we live in.
I remember one of my first R.E lessons when I started primary school - it was all about the questions in which only God could answer. Similar questions yet not surrounding religion pop into my mind right now as I type this on my computer like - "where does space end", "is there anything else out there", "what happens once we die", "what will happen when I am dead and the world ends, will something amazing happen, or will it just fizzle away". These are just a few of the questions that circulate my busy mind on a day to day basis, distracting me from the main focuses of the day, creating situations in my head.
I believe my French teacher called it Aesthetics - the definition being - "the branch of metaphysics concerned with the laws of perception" She explained it to me in a way that confused the pants off of me. She used my bag which was innocently placed on the table as an example, she said:
"How do you know, that when you turn around - the bag on the table stays there or does it move because you can no longer see it"
Of course I replied with such of "well of course it doesn't move, the rest of the class can see it whilst I have my back turned"
In which she answered - "Ah, yes of course but their backs are not turned, only yours. How do you know that it is still there, you cant see it"
At first I poopooed this theory, what a load of tosh I thought to myself. However the more I dwelled on the subject the more I realised that in a certain peculiar way she was in fact right (she normally is, but that is besides the point)
How did I know - of course I didn't, and there was no way I could in fact prove it because my back was turned and of course I do not have eyes in the back of my head - no matter how many times I was told as a child that one day I would in fact grown them.
After thinking about the subject for a while, I was sat in form discussing it with my form teacher - who rudely told me that if I carried on thinking that way I would drive myself in sane.
Is the colour I perceive to be green, the colour you perceive to be green? - Maybe, maybe not. Such a confusing world in which we live in.
I'm always going to be there
In mind, spirit, heart and occasionally person. The meaning of this post is to say that I am never far a way. A text, phone call or email away.
Never ever forget that! To each and everyone one of you, reading this right now - I will be there at every hour of the day if you need me to be - as I was once told by a very wise women - "sleep is for wimps".
Any time you need a chat, a cry, a shoulder, a hug or just the simpliest little thing - I will be there.
Never ever forget that! To each and everyone one of you, reading this right now - I will be there at every hour of the day if you need me to be - as I was once told by a very wise women - "sleep is for wimps".
Any time you need a chat, a cry, a shoulder, a hug or just the simpliest little thing - I will be there.
Im Sorry
Im sorry that I never told you before
Im sorry that I have let you down in so many ways
Im sorry I had to be such a bitch about it
Im sorry I only just realised - you done it because you cared
Im sorry I was horrible, grumpy and mean
Im sorry I am truly sorry that I have been the worst friend in the world
Im sorry When at times I only cared about myself instead of others
Im sorry That I never said how much I actually adore you
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
I'll keep these secrets to myself
Have I lost you or are you just drifting...
Because right now to me it feels like you have gone from my life - I dont have the confidence to talk to you because everything I say is the wrong thing and no matter what I say you always argue the point back. I just wanted someone to talk to - now I dont have anyone to talk to at some ridiculous time in the morning.
Its okay, I'll keep these secrets to myself maybe thats the best way any way - no one to tell just a diary which pages are ripped and crumpled at the edges - bending under the pressure.
I always preferred keeping my own secrets, yet you always knew when something was wrong - things change, time changes, and people change over time. I hope this isn't going to tear us apart, a silly little thing.
I hope in a way that you dont read this, but I know you will because its routine for you to always check, and in another kinda way I hope you read it and question whether or not its about you. I refuse to give any clues about who it is about - but there are people who will read it and know that it is not them. Once you have read it, I hope you think about the other night and put my boots on for just a second - and then maybe you will understand why I took such offence.
And maybe one day, we will sort it out and I hope we do - you are a good friend. And maybe one day I will tell you everything and you will know everything - or maybe I wont, I dont know what the future holds.
Because right now to me it feels like you have gone from my life - I dont have the confidence to talk to you because everything I say is the wrong thing and no matter what I say you always argue the point back. I just wanted someone to talk to - now I dont have anyone to talk to at some ridiculous time in the morning.
Its okay, I'll keep these secrets to myself maybe thats the best way any way - no one to tell just a diary which pages are ripped and crumpled at the edges - bending under the pressure.
I always preferred keeping my own secrets, yet you always knew when something was wrong - things change, time changes, and people change over time. I hope this isn't going to tear us apart, a silly little thing.
I hope in a way that you dont read this, but I know you will because its routine for you to always check, and in another kinda way I hope you read it and question whether or not its about you. I refuse to give any clues about who it is about - but there are people who will read it and know that it is not them. Once you have read it, I hope you think about the other night and put my boots on for just a second - and then maybe you will understand why I took such offence.
And maybe one day, we will sort it out and I hope we do - you are a good friend. And maybe one day I will tell you everything and you will know everything - or maybe I wont, I dont know what the future holds.
With My Girls.....
There is nothing that is better in this world than spending time with my girlies. They are so wonderful, special, unique and have the ability to make me smile with just the touch of a button or even a hug.
They are such wonderful people and they know this. Without them there would be no sun in my sky, no laughter in my life and certainly no reason to get up in the morning.
Last Night in the darkness of half past nine I ran to the shops in floods of tears to meet my baby girl. I call her my baby because she is the smallest and the youngest and by far the most cuddliest. I love her with all my heart and knowing that I just said I need to see you and she was there was the most greatest feeling in the world. So as we walked around our small little area of Bicester - both just talking about everything and anything. Me, crying my eyes out, telling her everything. It felt so good to be able to trust someone as much as I did last night. Trust is a very difficult thing - not just for me I am sure, but for everyone. Trusting someone often hurts, in the fact you are constantly worried about them telling someone else. With my Em, when she said last night that I could tell her anything and she would not pass it on or tell anyone I truly believed her. After, such a terrible day, this made my stomach do somersaults and I was waylaid with butterflies at the fact that for once in my little life I could tell her, tell her everything that has every crossed my mind, concerned me, occurred or just simply happened. For this my darling Emily I thank you.
So continuing on about last night - I feel it was significant to the 24 hours, in which I had stressed out, shouted, ranted, raved, blubbed my heart out to a teacher and sat and talked with my Laurie. It was significant because it became part of the healing process. To make it all better. My day seemed to evaporate from within and once again I began to feel free from the burdens of everyday teenage life.
Today and Yesterday today and yesterday have been such a significant part in my life. I feel I have become closer to you, - and yes you, you are a wonderful person, and I adore you as you can tell from my constant fan mail - in which you receive from me. Spending all these two days with you, has made me realise how much I actually do really love you. We have both opened up to each other in the past twenty four hours, and discussed things in which I would have never dreamed of saying - yes the embarrassing bits.
So my girls, are my world, as are my guys. But its my girls whom I go to when there is a problem, the girls who are there for me at the end of such a stressful day and the girls whom I love and cherish with all my heart.
They are such wonderful people and they know this. Without them there would be no sun in my sky, no laughter in my life and certainly no reason to get up in the morning.
Last Night in the darkness of half past nine I ran to the shops in floods of tears to meet my baby girl. I call her my baby because she is the smallest and the youngest and by far the most cuddliest. I love her with all my heart and knowing that I just said I need to see you and she was there was the most greatest feeling in the world. So as we walked around our small little area of Bicester - both just talking about everything and anything. Me, crying my eyes out, telling her everything. It felt so good to be able to trust someone as much as I did last night. Trust is a very difficult thing - not just for me I am sure, but for everyone. Trusting someone often hurts, in the fact you are constantly worried about them telling someone else. With my Em, when she said last night that I could tell her anything and she would not pass it on or tell anyone I truly believed her. After, such a terrible day, this made my stomach do somersaults and I was waylaid with butterflies at the fact that for once in my little life I could tell her, tell her everything that has every crossed my mind, concerned me, occurred or just simply happened. For this my darling Emily I thank you.
So continuing on about last night - I feel it was significant to the 24 hours, in which I had stressed out, shouted, ranted, raved, blubbed my heart out to a teacher and sat and talked with my Laurie. It was significant because it became part of the healing process. To make it all better. My day seemed to evaporate from within and once again I began to feel free from the burdens of everyday teenage life.
Today and Yesterday today and yesterday have been such a significant part in my life. I feel I have become closer to you, - and yes you, you are a wonderful person, and I adore you as you can tell from my constant fan mail - in which you receive from me. Spending all these two days with you, has made me realise how much I actually do really love you. We have both opened up to each other in the past twenty four hours, and discussed things in which I would have never dreamed of saying - yes the embarrassing bits.
So my girls, are my world, as are my guys. But its my girls whom I go to when there is a problem, the girls who are there for me at the end of such a stressful day and the girls whom I love and cherish with all my heart.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
My Lauren
My Lauren,
Just a second a go as I was reading through peoples blogs I realised that I had not blogged about you. You received my letter - you know how much I love you.
Today I think we both learnt a lot about each other - we were close before but in some aspects I believe that today bought us together- we spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. It gave us valuable bonding time, and im not going to lie - it was just so lovely and special.
I think we both learnt things about each other today, some shocking things maybe - somethings that maybe warmed our hearts a little bit more, but I feel today was important.
I keep making references to today. However there have been a hole host of days in which complete our story. You are my baby girl, my kisser on the cheeker, the girl I run to when I need it - although I have many of girlies like that - but most importantly my dance partner. When a jolly good song comes on its always me and you on that floor dancing our little legs off.
Ill never forget at harrys when we were competing against the guys doing the macarena - this is why I love you so much, you just complete the missing part of me.
Im so glad that I just decided randomly to start talking to you at the river boat cruise - and become friendly with you because seriously looking back at the past year - it has been an absolute blast, and even though there has been a lot of shit stuff happen - I would of course go back and relive it once over, just to have the amazing times I did with you and the others.
What you heard today - if you did hear it, I would like you to give me the chance to explain it and so you can understand properly - please dont judge me, I know you wont you are just to perfect for that.
You are an amazing friend never ever doubt that, and your smile makes me smile and warms me up and makes me all gooey.
I hope and know that we will remain friends for a long long time - you can help me name my sixteen children .
I love you Laurie
My baby baby Lauren - never grow up, and never leave me. Because without a Lauren to run to when my world is all topsy turvey I simply would not know what to do.
Thank you for being there when I needed it most - and continuing to be there even when things got easier. Thank you for listening and caring - when the rest of the world was more interested by something else. Thank you for sticking by me - even though the other side where stronger. Thank you for being you.
Just a second a go as I was reading through peoples blogs I realised that I had not blogged about you. You received my letter - you know how much I love you.
Today I think we both learnt a lot about each other - we were close before but in some aspects I believe that today bought us together- we spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. It gave us valuable bonding time, and im not going to lie - it was just so lovely and special.
I think we both learnt things about each other today, some shocking things maybe - somethings that maybe warmed our hearts a little bit more, but I feel today was important.
I keep making references to today. However there have been a hole host of days in which complete our story. You are my baby girl, my kisser on the cheeker, the girl I run to when I need it - although I have many of girlies like that - but most importantly my dance partner. When a jolly good song comes on its always me and you on that floor dancing our little legs off.
Ill never forget at harrys when we were competing against the guys doing the macarena - this is why I love you so much, you just complete the missing part of me.
Im so glad that I just decided randomly to start talking to you at the river boat cruise - and become friendly with you because seriously looking back at the past year - it has been an absolute blast, and even though there has been a lot of shit stuff happen - I would of course go back and relive it once over, just to have the amazing times I did with you and the others.
What you heard today - if you did hear it, I would like you to give me the chance to explain it and so you can understand properly - please dont judge me, I know you wont you are just to perfect for that.
You are an amazing friend never ever doubt that, and your smile makes me smile and warms me up and makes me all gooey.
I hope and know that we will remain friends for a long long time - you can help me name my sixteen children .
I love you Laurie
My baby baby Lauren - never grow up, and never leave me. Because without a Lauren to run to when my world is all topsy turvey I simply would not know what to do.
Thank you for being there when I needed it most - and continuing to be there even when things got easier. Thank you for listening and caring - when the rest of the world was more interested by something else. Thank you for sticking by me - even though the other side where stronger. Thank you for being you.
A head full of words, words in which I wish to speak
I have a head in which is jammed packed with words in which I want to say, things I want to scream from the roof tops - see the thing is - you think you know me, but the truth is you only know the person I am on the outside. You dont know anything that has happened before, you came in my life and listened - though you knew everything, but the thing is even though you have known me for what seems like forever you haventt - you missed a massive chunk in which so much happened.
There is one person other than myself who knows everything and she is three times the person you are.
There is one person other than myself who knows everything and she is three times the person you are.
Monday, 20 June 2011
Life
Life has no guide book, no rule to live by, no advice column to follow. You just have to live by what you feel is right. Today I done something in which I felt extremely nervous about, I didn't know whether it was the right thing to do or not but after strong reassurance from a close friends I decided to go along with it. In the end, it was the right decision to make, it was what I needed to do in order to protect someone close to me.
Although, in life there are things which worry you, get you down and make you sad you should always come out the other side smiling knowing that its all going to be okay.
I really am running out of inspiration for writing this blog, day by day I search for things that happen to write about. I find it easier to write about the bad and sad things in which occur however sometimes I feel they are personal, inappropriate to post on here. So instead I try to reflect on the much brighter happier things in Life.
Although, in life there are things which worry you, get you down and make you sad you should always come out the other side smiling knowing that its all going to be okay.
I really am running out of inspiration for writing this blog, day by day I search for things that happen to write about. I find it easier to write about the bad and sad things in which occur however sometimes I feel they are personal, inappropriate to post on here. So instead I try to reflect on the much brighter happier things in Life.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
"Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself" W.C.Doane
In life people have different understandings, feelings and reactions to different situations. I think this quote is such a lovely and important one to remember when you are having a bad day. The chances are you are not the only one and someone is having a far worse time than you are.
"Life has no smooth road for any of us"
I think here the "any of us" is the most important part. Sometimes it is easy to think that you are the only person in the world, the only one who matters and for a second you can believe it. I like to think that I am in fact a pretty lucky girl. I live in a house - with heating. I am fed - three times a day. At the turn of a tap - I have water. These are just some of the most basic things for me - yet for some people in this complicated world they dream, wish and hope for things like this to happen.
In todays' world people work towards making a change for the better. Consider it for a second, is there something you could do... I know theres something I could do!
"Life has no smooth road for any of us"
I think here the "any of us" is the most important part. Sometimes it is easy to think that you are the only person in the world, the only one who matters and for a second you can believe it. I like to think that I am in fact a pretty lucky girl. I live in a house - with heating. I am fed - three times a day. At the turn of a tap - I have water. These are just some of the most basic things for me - yet for some people in this complicated world they dream, wish and hope for things like this to happen.
In todays' world people work towards making a change for the better. Consider it for a second, is there something you could do... I know theres something I could do!
Im walking down the line, that divides me somewhere in my mind.
I don't like difficult situations, especially awkward ones. Day to day life is full decisions, simple ones like what clothes to wear, what colour eye shadow to put on, which way should I walk to school simple things. But sometimes there are difficult decisions in which we must face to over come the problem.
Today I done something in which I felt was the right thing to do, yet I have a feeling other people are not going to feel as great about it as I do. I hope it will not affect the friendships I have built up this past year.
Loneliness is not a great feeling, and one I hope that I never have to feel again. At the beginning of the year I was surrounded by friends and family yet I felt so incredibly lonely. The thought of someone else feeling lonely, is not a particularly nice feeling either - I mean for me it is not, I cannot speak for others. Today I decided to take the first step into fixing something in which was broken. I apologised - even though I felt like it shouldn't be me apologising. I just want it to be better, and it all to be like it were before.
Friendship is important to me, and to everyone I guess. Losing friends is a heart breaking experience, arguing with the best of friends is worse. Therefore I am willing to do anything to fix it when its not right, mend it when its slightly out of place and right it when it is wrong.
Please remember this, once you have read it and think about it a little <3
Today I done something in which I felt was the right thing to do, yet I have a feeling other people are not going to feel as great about it as I do. I hope it will not affect the friendships I have built up this past year.
Loneliness is not a great feeling, and one I hope that I never have to feel again. At the beginning of the year I was surrounded by friends and family yet I felt so incredibly lonely. The thought of someone else feeling lonely, is not a particularly nice feeling either - I mean for me it is not, I cannot speak for others. Today I decided to take the first step into fixing something in which was broken. I apologised - even though I felt like it shouldn't be me apologising. I just want it to be better, and it all to be like it were before.
Friendship is important to me, and to everyone I guess. Losing friends is a heart breaking experience, arguing with the best of friends is worse. Therefore I am willing to do anything to fix it when its not right, mend it when its slightly out of place and right it when it is wrong.
Please remember this, once you have read it and think about it a little <3
Saturday, 18 June 2011
One Saturday Evening...
There was a small group of friends, casually slumped across one of the groups house. Having a ball, laughing, joking and putting the world to rights. This is the image engraved in my mind and my heart. This was one of the many amazing evenings I have had with my bestest friends.
It is time like these in which I realise I am truly blessed with all my lovely friends and family. Today I sat and thought about a lot whilst the others were giggling away all drinking lemonade out of different coloured cups and stuffing our faces with chicken dippers, chips, crisps and roundtree randoms - yes, some of them did eat the chicken dippers and roundtree randoms together! Watching Juno - I felt like a child again. I think it was the chicken dippers that started the hole process and perhaps the hide and seek which finished it - but all I know was that it was just the perfect night.
This summer, is going to be amazing. There are so many different parties and what not it is just going to be such a good beginning to the new start we are all about to face. New beginnings for me hold much apprehensions as well as excitement. Im not sure why there is this certain amount of nervousness, I guess its because at this moment I have a lot of uncertainness about what the future holds, what the next too years are going to be like and even am I capable...
And as Im sat here listening to music, the future once again dances across my mind in the flickering way which often reminds me of the flame of a candle or of my little outside chimney which we burn logs in. An element of understanding, want and need yet still unfamiliar grounds which are yet to be crossed, walked or passed.
It is time like these in which I realise I am truly blessed with all my lovely friends and family. Today I sat and thought about a lot whilst the others were giggling away all drinking lemonade out of different coloured cups and stuffing our faces with chicken dippers, chips, crisps and roundtree randoms - yes, some of them did eat the chicken dippers and roundtree randoms together! Watching Juno - I felt like a child again. I think it was the chicken dippers that started the hole process and perhaps the hide and seek which finished it - but all I know was that it was just the perfect night.
This summer, is going to be amazing. There are so many different parties and what not it is just going to be such a good beginning to the new start we are all about to face. New beginnings for me hold much apprehensions as well as excitement. Im not sure why there is this certain amount of nervousness, I guess its because at this moment I have a lot of uncertainness about what the future holds, what the next too years are going to be like and even am I capable...
And as Im sat here listening to music, the future once again dances across my mind in the flickering way which often reminds me of the flame of a candle or of my little outside chimney which we burn logs in. An element of understanding, want and need yet still unfamiliar grounds which are yet to be crossed, walked or passed.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Fridays Adventures
Friday I got to do something in which I felt very privileged to do. I never knew the amount of excitement I felt existed until that point. It was in fact walking round the new build of my/our future sixth form. It was truly amazing. The last time I got to see it was in November when it was just an empty shell. Now there were walls, doors, ceilings and even toilet cubicles. I had the images in my head of everyone walking round, casually slumped over the sofas just chilling. There isn't much to say other than I am so excited!
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Jennifer
One of my oldest, bestest friends - as I sit here writing this blog/posty thing im sat talking to you. Yep, I am crying because I love you that much.
Now you have joined the craze of writing a blog I felt that I should truly celebrate this moment by sharing with everyone about how much I love you and "our story"
Today was your last day of school, which makes me sad because it means that I don't get to see you every day but trust me I will be thinking of you every second.
People don't know how special you, Jennifer are. You are quite possible the most significant factor this year if not my teenage years. A problem was solved by your courage, kindness, care and you damn sheer love. I have never in my whole life met anyone like you. You are truly an individual whom I learnt to love - again.
I remember when we were small together and playing together - we were small, tiny little things and I remember something about a Halloween party and the only person I really knew was you!
I love how you are always there: day, night and early early morning - whenever I need you and I hope you know that I will always always be there for you too! I hope you know that - you should, I have drummed it into you enough!
So back to the point. Jen, you deserve a price for the best friend and most loving person in the world because seriously - I couldn't have done it without you.
You are an angel sent down to look after me, when no one else could because they didnt understand, or simply because they didnt know.
I have the most amazing friends ever and am truly blessed with their love.
Today I found my diary
Today I found my diary from like year 7/8, there is a lot of stuff written in here - the majority of it is a load of tosh, nonsense and dribble but I found that some of the stuff written and contained in this ring bound note pad was actually quite meaningful and sweet:
"One day the end will come and I wont know what to say other than goodbye however looking at it from my position right now it seems weak and slightly pathetic. I've never been good at goodbyes but this is how its gonna go just like last time. I sometimes wonder if history repeats itself. Third time lucky I guess"
This was the most heart wrenching part I found written in there. Written in perfect purple pen in the cutest of handwriting - such happiness surrounded it - yet to me this "quote" or whatever you wish to call it - reminds me of bad times. It is so funny how words can have that affect on people. Words are just words right often they mean absolutely nothing and people use them every second without a second though but sometimes they just catch you out when you are least expecting it and knock you down.
" I sometimes wonder if history repeats itself" This is the most poignant part of it - in life I have had to say goodbye to many people, sometimes forever and other times just for huge periods of time. The time between seeing them is unbearable and I cant even think about it without it hurting just that little bit more. I'm pretty sure history doesn't repeat itself im sure it just sometimes feel like it. And that things happen the same time as before - but that is just life. And in life you learn to take the good with the bad, and the happy with the sad.
"One day the end will come and I wont know what to say other than goodbye however looking at it from my position right now it seems weak and slightly pathetic. I've never been good at goodbyes but this is how its gonna go just like last time. I sometimes wonder if history repeats itself. Third time lucky I guess"
This was the most heart wrenching part I found written in there. Written in perfect purple pen in the cutest of handwriting - such happiness surrounded it - yet to me this "quote" or whatever you wish to call it - reminds me of bad times. It is so funny how words can have that affect on people. Words are just words right often they mean absolutely nothing and people use them every second without a second though but sometimes they just catch you out when you are least expecting it and knock you down.
" I sometimes wonder if history repeats itself" This is the most poignant part of it - in life I have had to say goodbye to many people, sometimes forever and other times just for huge periods of time. The time between seeing them is unbearable and I cant even think about it without it hurting just that little bit more. I'm pretty sure history doesn't repeat itself im sure it just sometimes feel like it. And that things happen the same time as before - but that is just life. And in life you learn to take the good with the bad, and the happy with the sad.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Dan
After spying on my friend Emilys blog I realised that I had written blogs about the majority of my girlies but not my Dan.
For those of you whom do not know my Dan, he is my hero - he is the most delightful, loving and caring guy I think I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He warms my heart every morning by just giving me a hug - and saying "smile Soph". He is such a genuine guy and if you could find anyone nicer then well you just wouldn't and I know everyone would agree with me.
When I am having a bad day - he is stood there at the end of the tunnel bringing me back up again and sticking the pieces back together - and its not just me he does this for - he does it for each and everyone of us in our group - I am not sure how he manages it but he does.
He can make everyone smile by putting together a string of nonsense words and make them sound so delightful in every way. He is a smashing guy, and I think its about time he knew that!
I love you Dan, and I know all the others do too!!
For those of you whom do not know my Dan, he is my hero - he is the most delightful, loving and caring guy I think I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He warms my heart every morning by just giving me a hug - and saying "smile Soph". He is such a genuine guy and if you could find anyone nicer then well you just wouldn't and I know everyone would agree with me.
When I am having a bad day - he is stood there at the end of the tunnel bringing me back up again and sticking the pieces back together - and its not just me he does this for - he does it for each and everyone of us in our group - I am not sure how he manages it but he does.
He can make everyone smile by putting together a string of nonsense words and make them sound so delightful in every way. He is a smashing guy, and I think its about time he knew that!
I love you Dan, and I know all the others do too!!
Today I realised
Today I realised many things on the very short walk home - in my head I like to muse things over, repeat things but change small details here and there just to make them perfect - although this doesn't change the way they happened it makes me feel better about the situation.
Today as I walked home, on my own - I thought about a few things - after having an after school lesson cooped in a overly warm classroom doing boring work I enjoyed the gentle breeze. I was thinking of one particular person whom has taught me more in a year than anyone else has in the 16 years I have walked the earth.
And I think the most important thing this person has shown me is that even though at the time it may seem bad it will get better and it will feel better soon and that smiling is good for you - very good for you - just the smallest of smiles can make you feel better :-)
Today as I walked home, on my own - I thought about a few things - after having an after school lesson cooped in a overly warm classroom doing boring work I enjoyed the gentle breeze. I was thinking of one particular person whom has taught me more in a year than anyone else has in the 16 years I have walked the earth.
And I think the most important thing this person has shown me is that even though at the time it may seem bad it will get better and it will feel better soon and that smiling is good for you - very good for you - just the smallest of smiles can make you feel better :-)
Friday, 10 June 2011
"Alright Sir, don't stress your eyes out"
Today I had a funny day - A very boring one at school but this evening was lovely. I had one of my bestest friends round - and we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed!
Laughter is important in life - they say its good to laugh and its good exercise.
Laughter is important in life - they say its good to laugh and its good exercise.
It's the song, not the artist
And I told you to be patient and I told you to be fine and I told you to be balanced and I told you to be kind
Its a funny world in which we live in, when a song has the capability to warm you, make you feel better and make you smile. Simple things in life that make you smile should always be appreciated.
I'm sat here, music in - Adele singing to me softly whilst I quietly accompany her - my mind travels a thousand miles listening intently to each word she sings - has it a hidden meaning - a metaphor that we are all suppose to discover. Or are they simply words one day she sat down and sang, no meaning or reason behind them - they just sounded right at the time.
I like to think that actually they do have a meaning, the lyrics have a reason why they were written on the page - some secret heartbreak, memories or other things like that although deep down I know most of them are just processed through programmes and what not.
But still lyrics are just the most wonderful things in the world - its not the artist I like, it's the song.
"How to do the perfect wee"
And that is why I love my friends. With just the simpliest of things they can birghten my day and make me all smiley again. Not that I wasnt smiley in the first place. I have noticed that recently it doesn't take much to make me smiley and happy.
Right now I am sat in my french classroom all alone as everyone else has gone home and I have to stay or reasons which I cant even begin to explain its all so complicated. But back to the point, I am sat here in my french classroom watching the diggers and builders continue to construct this marvellous building which also stands infront of me just outside the window with the prettiest windows and it fills me with excitement about what the future holds. This is infact our newly build sixth form which opens officially in July at our induction day. I can quite positively say that I have never felt this feeling before - maybe a little apprehensive but deffinately excited. The end of this school year calls for lots of change for me and my friends.
Its when we decide what we will spend the rest of our futures doing and things in which we have yet to see. The world is our oyster and from here I know many people will continue on and become very highly successful people, most of them being my friends - people whom I have grown with, learnt to love and adore and now cant spend a second without worrying, and loving them. Each of them making decisions in which affect their lives and there future. It is a very exciting time yet there is still an element of nervousness hanging in the air.
My hands are freezing as I write this, the rest of my body is nice and toasty but not my fingers - they are infact frozen. If there is one thing in which I cannot stand in the evening whilst casually sat watching television it would be having cold feet - not hands - but feet. I hate my feet being cold - I dont think there is a worse feeling than having cold feet.
It always amuses me on how the topic of a blogpost changes - I mean this blog starting with me expressing me sheer undying love for my friendlings and then through a series of changes links and other things has become me moaning about my cold hands and dislike for cold feet. In a conversation with anyone I often sit there and think - how did we get to the topic, how did the conversation reach this depth. Depth in conversation is good - I like talking especially to those who do not know things and people who I do not know that much about- it is interesting to hear about their lives, achievements and day to day activites - there is nothing more awkward than being sat in a room with just you and another person sat there awkward not knowing what to say or what to do...
I tend to just casually spark up a conversation about anything and everything - hense the reason most of my friends think I'm absolutely bonkers.
Some people may have noticed that my entire post is written in italics - well thats because I fancied being different for a change :-)
Im going to miss those that are going elsewhere for sixth form and college but I will never fear losing them for I know that they will always be there when times are tough and I just need to chat or they need to offload - I wil just ring them for a chat - like you do. But I am also looking forward to making new friends and meeting new people - it is an experience that has only ever really happened twice in my life - firstly at primary school and of course I do not remember much about this and secondly here, at my secondary school. I remember it well and it was not a pleasant experience - however I have matured and so have others and I think the maturity will help.
Heres to the future, and whatever it may hold for all of us.
Right now I am sat in my french classroom all alone as everyone else has gone home and I have to stay or reasons which I cant even begin to explain its all so complicated. But back to the point, I am sat here in my french classroom watching the diggers and builders continue to construct this marvellous building which also stands infront of me just outside the window with the prettiest windows and it fills me with excitement about what the future holds. This is infact our newly build sixth form which opens officially in July at our induction day. I can quite positively say that I have never felt this feeling before - maybe a little apprehensive but deffinately excited. The end of this school year calls for lots of change for me and my friends.
Its when we decide what we will spend the rest of our futures doing and things in which we have yet to see. The world is our oyster and from here I know many people will continue on and become very highly successful people, most of them being my friends - people whom I have grown with, learnt to love and adore and now cant spend a second without worrying, and loving them. Each of them making decisions in which affect their lives and there future. It is a very exciting time yet there is still an element of nervousness hanging in the air.
My hands are freezing as I write this, the rest of my body is nice and toasty but not my fingers - they are infact frozen. If there is one thing in which I cannot stand in the evening whilst casually sat watching television it would be having cold feet - not hands - but feet. I hate my feet being cold - I dont think there is a worse feeling than having cold feet.
It always amuses me on how the topic of a blogpost changes - I mean this blog starting with me expressing me sheer undying love for my friendlings and then through a series of changes links and other things has become me moaning about my cold hands and dislike for cold feet. In a conversation with anyone I often sit there and think - how did we get to the topic, how did the conversation reach this depth. Depth in conversation is good - I like talking especially to those who do not know things and people who I do not know that much about- it is interesting to hear about their lives, achievements and day to day activites - there is nothing more awkward than being sat in a room with just you and another person sat there awkward not knowing what to say or what to do...
I tend to just casually spark up a conversation about anything and everything - hense the reason most of my friends think I'm absolutely bonkers.
Some people may have noticed that my entire post is written in italics - well thats because I fancied being different for a change :-)
Im going to miss those that are going elsewhere for sixth form and college but I will never fear losing them for I know that they will always be there when times are tough and I just need to chat or they need to offload - I wil just ring them for a chat - like you do. But I am also looking forward to making new friends and meeting new people - it is an experience that has only ever really happened twice in my life - firstly at primary school and of course I do not remember much about this and secondly here, at my secondary school. I remember it well and it was not a pleasant experience - however I have matured and so have others and I think the maturity will help.
Heres to the future, and whatever it may hold for all of us.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Love
Happiness keeps you sweet,
Difficulties make you stronger,
Errors make you human,
Mistakes make you humble,
Success makes you shine
But ...... only friends ......
make you feel comfortable and free!!!
Difficulties make you stronger,
Errors make you human,
Mistakes make you humble,
Success makes you shine
But ...... only friends ......
make you feel comfortable and free!!!
The Birdys
As I'm sad listening to calming music in my room just above the music I can here the cheerful tweets of the birds dancing their way through the trees flying across the sky, I kinda just realised in my body its starting to feel a little like summer.
I like the summer walking around my house casually in a skirt or shorts with all the windows wide open - summery music playing from the iPod and my friends all sat round in a circle in my lounge because outside its too hot casually enjoying a larger shandy!
What more could you want - the sun shining, small children screeching as their parents launch freezing cold water bombs at them, the laughter coming from next door as they relax in the jacuzzi.
It all seems happy - when the sun shines, I am happy :)
I like the summer walking around my house casually in a skirt or shorts with all the windows wide open - summery music playing from the iPod and my friends all sat round in a circle in my lounge because outside its too hot casually enjoying a larger shandy!
What more could you want - the sun shining, small children screeching as their parents launch freezing cold water bombs at them, the laughter coming from next door as they relax in the jacuzzi.
It all seems happy - when the sun shines, I am happy :)
My dearest Jen
I don't know if you like being called Jen but I like the name Jen and in fact one day my childs middle name will be Jen, I have it all planned out.
I could never ever write down, or show all my feelings for you because they are just to big, amazing I don't quite know how you explain them but I'm sure you will understand what I mean.
I love you and everything about you- I love how you are unique, and beautiful, no-one gets you down and if they do we get you back up in just a second - I love how you care (far too much). The list goes on and on and on. One day we will walk separate ways to different universities or what ever we both choose to do but if there is one thing I can guarantee it will be - we will still talk and still see each other because I refuse to let a friend like you go.
We are like our mothers used to be - good friends - and one day I hope our children can be the same - because honestly how cute would that be?
And as I am sat here writing this, looking at the gorgeous blue sky - a smile dances across my face - reaching my eyes - a proper smile. And I'm sat here - looking out my window listening to my dog barking as she chases her ball across our garden I can truly say I am happy and without you this would be unachievable. Thank you Jen - I love you lots and lots and lots. Whenever you are I will be also following you in spirit if not in person <3
I could never ever write down, or show all my feelings for you because they are just to big, amazing I don't quite know how you explain them but I'm sure you will understand what I mean.
I love you and everything about you- I love how you are unique, and beautiful, no-one gets you down and if they do we get you back up in just a second - I love how you care (far too much). The list goes on and on and on. One day we will walk separate ways to different universities or what ever we both choose to do but if there is one thing I can guarantee it will be - we will still talk and still see each other because I refuse to let a friend like you go.
We are like our mothers used to be - good friends - and one day I hope our children can be the same - because honestly how cute would that be?
And as I am sat here writing this, looking at the gorgeous blue sky - a smile dances across my face - reaching my eyes - a proper smile. And I'm sat here - looking out my window listening to my dog barking as she chases her ball across our garden I can truly say I am happy and without you this would be unachievable. Thank you Jen - I love you lots and lots and lots. Whenever you are I will be also following you in spirit if not in person <3
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Dear.....
Completely stolen from my dearest friend - all in all I give her the credit for this because she gave me the idea posted it straight to my brain.
Dear.....
I think about you a lot, I don't think you realise how much I adore you.
I cant stand it when you look in my eyes and make me promise - because truth is I lied, lied, lied:/
I never get to say what I really want to because I'm too afraid
I get annoyed at myself when I tell you that I'm not okay, and cry in front of you
I sometimes wish I could telepathically tell you about this so you could read this
I wish you knew how I really felt that day
Deep down inside I know you know more than you actually let on
I wish I had told you the truth a hole lot sooner
I wish I could trust you more than I tell everyone - (I don't want them to know)
I hope one day - I can just tell you everything
I reflect on everything I have ever said to you and regret it.
I only hope you can still look at me the same way.
All, my love...
Your Soph :)
Dear.....
I think about you a lot, I don't think you realise how much I adore you.
I cant stand it when you look in my eyes and make me promise - because truth is I lied, lied, lied:/
I never get to say what I really want to because I'm too afraid
I get annoyed at myself when I tell you that I'm not okay, and cry in front of you
I sometimes wish I could telepathically tell you about this so you could read this
I wish you knew how I really felt that day
Deep down inside I know you know more than you actually let on
I wish I had told you the truth a hole lot sooner
I wish I could trust you more than I tell everyone - (I don't want them to know)
I hope one day - I can just tell you everything
I reflect on everything I have ever said to you and regret it.
I only hope you can still look at me the same way.
All, my love...
Your Soph :)
Blubbering
Sometimes I find my self blubbering on about a load of non-sense. How embarrassing it must be for those reading this. I like to talk - I talk a lot - as I'm sure those closest to me will be aware. Sometimes I talk about nonsense other times there is an actual meaning to what I right.
Every post has a basis and meaning - some people may understand more than others. Some may read between the lines and realise the actually meaning of the posts.
Some include hidden meanings, others are meant for people whom will never read them. Little words, so much meaning - like I said in my very first post on here - words can mean so much to people. They can make or break somewhere, make things better or quickly make them worse. They are just words though right - people always say how "actions speak louder than words" I think that's right, I mean someone saying I love you what does it mean - do they really love you or are they just saying it. Yet someone giving you a hug - speaks 1000 words - wouldnt you agree.
Think about it - if you were to give someone a hug tomorrow, would it make them feel better??
Consider it for a second!
Every post has a basis and meaning - some people may understand more than others. Some may read between the lines and realise the actually meaning of the posts.
Some include hidden meanings, others are meant for people whom will never read them. Little words, so much meaning - like I said in my very first post on here - words can mean so much to people. They can make or break somewhere, make things better or quickly make them worse. They are just words though right - people always say how "actions speak louder than words" I think that's right, I mean someone saying I love you what does it mean - do they really love you or are they just saying it. Yet someone giving you a hug - speaks 1000 words - wouldnt you agree.
Think about it - if you were to give someone a hug tomorrow, would it make them feel better??
Consider it for a second!
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