I dont know what to write

I have loads of things that I want to say, I need to say and that I crave to say - but finding the words isnt all that easy, and having the trust - is three times harder. 
I dont trust anyone as much as prehaps I would - there is not one person on this earth at this very precise second that I could tell anyone knowing that it would go no further.


There are people, older people, people whom I idolise in which I would love to tell - but the chances of them having to take it further is huge. And I absolutely refuse to put myself in this situation again. 
Im not ungrateful for what happened - but I wish it could've been different. I wish it was me that spoke the words, not you.

The words I long to say, wish to say, to certain people - the script I have planned in my head. I know what I wanna say - I just dont know how. For some this may seem ridiculous "what does she mean - she can speak cant she?" Yes I can speak, but what I mean is I do not know how to form the sentences - put the right words together to make it sound okay, make it sound less serious than it actually is. Some people know, some dont. I would prefer it if nobody knew, thats just the way I work - I would prefer to be someone people didnt think of me in prehaps the way the do and see me in the way they do. If anything I would like to go back - to being the girl I was in September to everyone but myself - life would be so much simpler :)