Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I cry, and people wonder why. I dont always have a reason, sometimes I just have to get all these emotions out just to feel okay. Just to know that its going to be okay. I dont want people to see me when I cry, I try and hold it together so bad, if crying makes me weak then I am weak. But for other to see me cry - its not what I want.
Right now I should be writing my English essay, but I cant concentrate, something not right and I just need to offload. Trust . Im finding it so hard not telling you, I cant, im thinking of her, and her welfare. The minute I can, without the consequences I will. Because then its no longer trapped inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.
Its tearing me to pieces, yet I pass it off as nothing.
I have no idea if you read this or not. No idea what so ever, but if you do then its not as bad as it first may seem. It just time like these that i struggle, I realise how scared I was, how scared i still am. The truth lost somewhere in a world of confusion, and fear.
I was okay,  I was fine until February.
I was fine, and you knew I was - just I was hiding my secret, but it was a good feeling because I had control over something - I knew that I couldnt control anything but this.
Writing this, feeling sick, I realise what a massive mess this is.

From now
its brave faces
always brave faces.
live by the rule of not letting people see when you are down, they will only advantage.
 I have to be strong for my girlies, they need me to be okay. Its not been an easy ride for any of us this year. Im hoping 2012 will be better, because if its not then im going to start wanting some answers from the other you.

You are suppose to be taking care of me, watching down, and I get that everyone has there moments where everything goes shit. But this year, this year for my family, for my friends has been one bitch of one, and on the 31st of December im going to make sure that I write a massive letter, of all the shit, write it all down, and then burn the bitch out of it.
So yeah, forget me, look after her. Im begging, ive never been this scared in all my life. No one can appreciate how I am feeling. Not even you. You think you have an idea on the situation - yeah you dont.