I am sorrier

I hope you read these, check these regularly because to think that you have felt like that since that night truly hurts me. I still love you, more than I could ever tell you. I still think of you the same. I still adore you. And my only excuse is that I cant find the words to say. Now it has come to the point the words are not important - its the actions in which I take which are important.
Even sat here, behind a computer screen, with all the words in the world I am finding it difficult to form a sentence. I am just going to say it all, truly all, and I would like it if we could just move on.


You are my baby girl, my little baby girl and I treated you like shit. There is nothing in this world which can justify what I said to you. I had had a particular bad evening and I just took everything out on you. Which was awful. I asked for your opinion, I wanted to know that you were okay with me, I didn't want you to hate me for something in which I detest my self for. The thought of you dis-liking it ripped my to shreds. I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried, how much I regret every word I said, how sorry I truly am. Some things are so much more complicated than they first may seem. And if I am being honest I do not know what happened to make it like this. 


I am truly and utterly sorry, but somehow sorry just doesn't seem enough to make it all better. It will never be the end, we are made of stronger stuff. I just need to grow up and act my age and accept that I am wrong, and that people aren't against me, they only care.  For years, I taught myself to not get attached because people will only leave you, people will only hurt you, people don't care, they are only out for themselves, but I was wrong, so so wrong. I am so angry at myself, more angry than you could possibly imagine, for letting this happen, letting it go this far. I feel so guilty, so horrible, like a bitch. You were there when no one else was, you were the person who I text at ten o'clock saying can I meet you. The person whose arms I ran into tears pouring from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, onto your shoulders. I can never replace that kind of love I hold for you. These past few weeks, things haven't been right - I felt like something is out of place, something is wrong, something is missing. It is not a pleasant feeling. And I hope it is one that can be sorted and fixed..


I have always said that I am the kind of person who puts my friends first, will be there when the need be - even if it is half past three in the morning - I am only a text away. Yet these past few days, weeks maybe even months - I haven't been following this - I have been selfish and put myself first. This now feels awful, I don't like putting myself first and I have learnt from my mistakes. And I only hope that you can forgive me.


Like you I have written many many many posts, but half way through I stopped and thought that it wasn't right, something was missing, this had to be right - this had to contain everything that I wanted to say. Im so sorry, sorrier than I think I have ever been before, and please understand this was not your fault. It was purely and solely mine. I am Sorry <3