Mikey

Its been nearly 6 months and I still find it hard to accept. I keep waiting for you to walk round the corner, crack a joke about how shit im looking today, laugh at how me and Lauren were getting stressed.
Its been 6 months and its taken me this long to write something, there's a special group on Facebook for you  - "Remember Michael Arthur" it has 213 members, and each time one of them posts something on their, I get a notification and I make sure I read each post, sometimes they make me laugh other times they make me cry.
I always wanted to write something on there, but it wasn't the place - not for everyone to see, this is personal, and private in a way.
April was a bad month, I will never forget that horrible feeling I got in my stomach, hoping and praying it was some sort of sick joke. Ill never forget trying to tell my mum, sat on the floor in my lounge silent tears rolling down my little cheeks whilst all her friends were sat there.
Mya calls me Aunty Sophie when I pop in for a cuppa tea, she is just the cutest little thing, and well Logan, baby Logan is just the cutest. My birthday buddy! He such a smiley little lad. And well Polly, what can I say Mikey - she was the only person in the summer who really understood, the only one that listened, and I felt so horrible. Crying to her after all shed been through.Your song, "Ill be missing you" was the song they played at Princess Diana remembrance celebration - I remember falling in love with the song then, listening to it over and over again repeatedly I learnt al the words, yep singing away to them right now.


This is the first time, Ive listened to the song since your funeral, I will never forget being so worried about my Lauren, because she was struggling, and I really didn't know what to do. I felt like a failure, I think I cried more than her at first. 


Be safe, and have fun. Take care of Polly, Mya and Logan. And Lauren. Because Shes lost without you.


Its strange with out you around!! 

Its everywhere

Its the popular girl.
Its the jock.
It the nerd.
Its your best friend.
Its the girl you sit next to in chemistry.
Its the person you look up to.
Its the girl on the television.
Its the one whose always smiling.
Its the boy, who always seems so confident.
Its the person you've known for years.

The thing is, you just dont know who it is.
It could be anyone

I'm Sophie and I am going to be okay

I'm Sophie and I am going to be okay
Even if at the moment im not, 
it will be okay 
and so will I.

Where is here?

Confusion.
Where is here?
Where is the destination in which so many people wish to reach, hope to reach yet somehow want to avoid at all costs.
When are you grown up? When are you an adult for real, not by what the government says but in reality, in feeling.
There are things, questions, that will never be answered.
Things that just cant be, because no-one knows the answer to the questions.
And some, some things that just wont be answered.
Where does life really begin?
When does it end?
Why am I here? What is it to achieve, why do I have to make mistakes, to make myself fell like this.

"Am I mad" will I ever know? How am I suppose to know.
Am I Okay? Will it all be okay,
what does the future hold?
What is happy?
How do I know what happy is?

When will the time be right?

And
Where,
Where is here?

These words are my own

Take me away
Take me out
Let me scream
Let me shout

I'll end up crying 
On your shoulder 
You always were 
And always will be

Everything 
I never could be 
His little girl
Her darling gem

A broken heart
Pleases them
Your perfect lips 
Your perfect eyes 

See me here, now
But know I'll be gone
For my promise is broken
I wanted to belong 

I really cant
Explain it all 
Sit with you
And talk it through 

But talk to me
And make me listen
Ask me stuff
Make me answer 

I'm sorry for what I've done
And im sorry for what I do
I'll always remember you 
Forever yours, pulling through

The darkness that surrounded me
When the going got tough
And the minute particles of dust
That still frost the glass up

I'm looking in
I'm looking back
The person I am 
The person I was

All mingled into one
It was better when there was none
Not one person who even knew
The secret I hide from a few

Take a step back 
And look in my eyes 
Realise what I say
Is all just lies

1001 words unsaid...

Every-time I leave, every-time I walk down the alley, the corridor, the passage or what ever it may be called - I regret not saying it, asking it and mentioning it. There are so many things I have to say, want to say or even need to say. Im not sure which order that comes in but any order could be used I guess.

I could sit and tell you everything, not everything, but everything that has every mattered. Things that would shock you, a little. Surprise you a bit. Im not sure. Maybe you know already, can see through it all.
Ive been writing this blog in my head for days, not sure how to word it, not that you will ever read it. As far as I know you dont even know that I write a blog.

There is just one thing, that tears me up. Amongst the many others, this question stands out amongst. Replays and replays in my head. Is on the tip of the tongue each time I am with you. To many it wouldnt make sense. But the minute I say it, I think you'll understand. Ill think you will know where I am coming from.

"What did you think, when you found out"

Long and meaningful

I really wanted to write a long a meaningful blog, and for a long time I have written half but just deleted them because they haven't been right, haven't been good enough or I just simply got massive writers block.

Ive not had much inspiration, nothing really happened that caused me enough stress, enough pain or heaven forbid, enough tears that I need to blog about it. See I only really blog about the bad things, the bad things that happen.

Someone one told me that I was like a jug under a tap. That just kept filling up, and then one day, it just over flowed and I had to tell someone about all the stuff that was in my jug. At first it was confusing, and completely baffled me, but after, and trust me on this, a lot of thought, it started to make sense, and was a pretty good way of describing it.

Even now, nothing bad has really happened, just a lot of things have changed. People, routines, jobs, life. The list could go on and on. But for the past couple of day - it has really really got me down, and it has just suddenly hit me, that no matter how sad I get about it, how much it drags me down and makes me think horrible things and no matter how many tears I cry - its not going to change it. Nothing is, its just fate. Things happen for a reason, people change so you can learn to move on. Live by my own rules, my own advice and I am sure I would get a whole lot further.

I like poetry

I come out the house and run down the stairs
I look up and scream but there’s still no one there 
I run on the roof and hang over the ledge
I'm so close to falling I slip off the edge 
I'm hanging by one hand fifty feet from my death 
When all of a sudden I feel someone’s breath 
I wake up and notice it was only a dream 
and suddenly my life’s not as bad as it seemed!

.

Untainted and unwounded
The lives that go on
And nothing returns
Time just stays still

Lost and never forgotten
Remembered forever
Tears shed, blood spilled
Life has ended

Drawn out in sacrifice
To kill or numb the pain
Tired, but sleepless
Dreaming forever in Heaven
Awake in the ground

Apology for the dead
For not knowing the past
Missing now what I never knew
I'm sorry

Rest now in peace
My friend

Help me, Please

Im desperate,
im hurting
and I dont know why.

I dont know is the answer to everything right now.
It seems so silly.
Bad memories keep replaying in my head and I cant get rid of them.

I keep doubting my ability,
as a student, as a friend,
and generally - as a person.


I cant be doing it right,
feeling like this, I feel like im constantly
putting on a smile.

Nothing is drastically wrong, nothing huge.
Just small things - that amount
to bigger things.

Small disappointments in life, that hurt so bad.
Discovering things that
I wish had stayed unknown to me.

This week has been a difficult one,
and looking from the outside in -
I really dont know how im going to keep my head above water.


I need something, someone, anything
to see this, to tell me what to do and
make it ok.


I know im not the only one feeling this,
it cant be just me -
im not alone.

So someone out there,
please,
help me

It hurts

It hurts to know that I am hurting you, but in a way I dont mean to, I'm just trying to protect you.
Trying to protect you from the horribleness of what lies ahead, the twisty paths, the hurt, the anger, the fall outs, the misunderstanding.


" You get tragedy where the tree, instead of bending, breaks" 

I need advice

Its hard to say, admit that I actually dont know the answer this time.
Its hard to say that I need help, I need support and I need advice.

Im not quite sure who to ask,
the one person in mind has to much on their plate.
Then there is no-one.

I have plenty of friends, but
this cant be a friend who tells me what to do.

Im going to ponder a while,
and find someone, it has to be
the right person.

Trust is everything

I wish you were here,

I wish you were here to watch me grow, to watch me flourish and to listen to me and what I have to learn.
I wish you were here, to see my two baby boys - they are the most gorgeous boys in the world.
I wish you were here, when she cries - because the only person she wants is you, she talks about you all the time.
I wish you could have seen my results, they weren't that great - but I worked my hardest, in fact probably too hard - thats right - I got myself in a bit of a pickle.
I wish you were there to help me out of that pickle, there were some fantastic people who helped me through, but you would have sorted it.
I wish you could have been there on my prom night, when everyone else was there, yet there was just an empty space where you should have stood.

These next two years - are going to be hell. Its only day four and im crazily snowed under. Today its mums birthday, youd be so proud of her. I know I am.
Shes an inspiration to me.

I have a new job now.

The reason for writing is that I want you to watch over my baby sister for me. Shes struggling, and I really dont know what to do anymore. Inside shes hurting, and I know what it feels like, yet somehow I cant make it better, if anything - im making it worse.
Look after her for me, because I cant.

Thank you for being there when she needed it, i know you would have been there even if we couldnt see you, couldnt hear you, couldnt feel you. You were there in our thoughts, you would have made sure that it went okay, I just wish, so so bad that you could be here just once more, just so I could see you, meet you.

I've heard so many fantastic stories about you, so many amazing adventures you took out, and the heartache you with stood. If I could just see you just for an hour, Id tell you everything that youve ever missed, show you everyone that you didnt quite see. But for a second I believed it could happen and then I have to remind myself that this is impossible, and Im once again left disappointed.

Ill never forget you, especially when times are hard.

Always,

Your Soph x

Never Be Afraid

When you are scared, someone will be there to protect you. When you are lonely, you only have to look around to know that you aren't actually alone and that there are people out there waiting to make it okay. When you are worried, don't be, things happen for a reason, the reason may be unknown at the time but at some point in the future it will all make perfect sense.

Always remember: that no matter how bad it hurts right now at some point in time it will get better. Don't forget that there are people who can help. That the friends who are true friends will be the ones that are still in your life 20 years down the line.

Dont ever forget: the people who have touched your life in such a spectacular way, the people who have worked hard so that you can achieve your greatest and the people who have put the extra effort in, the people who listened to you sob, the people that hugged you when you needed it.

Learn from the mistakes you have made, and learn how to make the future better and brighter. Understand that the things in place are there because you want them to be or need them to be. Realise who are your true friends and treat them like it. Stop worrying whether you look okay, look good, and if your make up is perfect.

For everyone that has been in your life, currently is in your or will be in your life, love them, cherish them and care for them. Sometimes people only need a little bit of tender love and care, other admittedly need alot, but as a friend it is our, yours, their duty to give that support.

Dont be afraid, life will be good x

Life is good, Life is great!

Last night we spoke, not normal speaking proper talking, heart to heart.
I was tired, had my guard down and had had a rather difficult day. It made perfect sense to tell you everything - so I did and since that moment ive been riding on a high.
Its fabulous, at long last everything makes sense again :)

Im happy, truly happy :)

Take a chance

I have to take a chance, things need to change. I have to stop focussing on myself take a step backwards and watch what is happening around me. Stop looking on the negative side of life and start focussing more of the positives. Realise where I am going wrong and change it so that I can make it better. Stop trying to change everything back to the way it was and accept that time causes things to change and adapt to different ways but also know that time helps to change other things to. I have to learn to let things go, let them take there own paths and keep cool at the fact it's changing.

So to all that have realised all this I apologise so bad - so bad x

Thankyou

You know you are, you might not, but I know who you are, and I know you read this.
You know why I am saying thank you although this reason may not be so prominent.
But thank you - :)

Maybe if you could feel my pain
you might just understand.
One day you may see my tears
and lend a helping hand.
I cant keep going on like this
Im sinking into the ground.
I sometimes wish youd look a bit harder
Then I might be found.
For you do not know the real me,
The person I am today.
Im hiding the truth from you
in such a sneaky way.
You'd be upset and disappointed,
I'd see it in your eyes.
But everytime I give a smile
it all just seems like lies.
My wrist can tell a million stories
of where my heart has been.
I dont expect you to understand
because you havent  seen.

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
But sometimes they forget the words too, yet they know the tune. 


I knew it, deep down inside I knew it, yet I didn't have the guts or the nerves to follow it up and make an issue of it to discover the truth. In the back of my mind, it was there ready to be said, but facing it would hurt and hurting others is something I like to avoid at all costs! 


I wish I had said something. If I could turn back time, please know that I would, and I would try my hardest to make it all okay. Its not okay, no matter how many times you say it is okay, its not. I should've taken notice, and helped you out.


I love you with all my heart, and when it gets tough, it gets really tough but know that I will always be stood there to help you, hug you or whatever it is that you need. 


I love you x 

Im the star upin the sky

Where ever you are, whatever you do, Ill be right here waiting for you

Sorry

Sorry is just a word, and I probably use it far to frequently, without meaning, when I apologise for dropping something, knocking into someone whilst walking a long, simple things in life that happen everyday.

Yet, when something serious happens, something that truly needs an apology, I cant seem to do it right, I don't know whether it because I cant form the sentences in my mind, cant face the fact that I was, indeed, in the wrong.

What ever it is, I want you to know that I love you so much, and that it hurts right now to think of it. Ive tried talking to the others but its just not the same, I dont care about them, if they go that's fine, but you - I cant loose you. You have been there for me, when I needed it most. You listen to me, when no one else gives a crap.

Please, forgive me.

Remember me, that girl that used to be your best friend,

A text,
A call,
A message,
An email,
or maybe,
even a knock on the door.

There is one person this summer who has bothered with me. Life teaches you many things, and it has just taught me that you can count your true friends on one hand - I know I certainly can.

What hurts me the most, is that you don't just forget me, you forget her too. When are you going to accept that she is part of the group too, and if you aren't willing to accept that, then you can count me out - because we come as a package - the two of us, or neither of us.

Stop moaning about fitting everyone in, she manages to juggle it and see her friends and her boyfriend, so why cant the rest of you.
This is utterly blatant now, and im sorry for this, and I will probably upset and cause so much shit to go down, but this has been bubbling under the surface for a long long time now. Hate me, that's fine, but dont hate her, she is the most amazing person. Don't forget to include her please, I dont care if you forget me, but dont forget her.
Because thats what happens - and it is really starting to grate with me now!

I cant tell you how I feel, because it hurts to much. I cant show you how I feel because its written on my diary. I cant make you understand because your just not the same any more.
You do this every time, every time I form a friendship, a proper friendship. When I am finally happy with my friends, you feel so insecure. Like I am trying to replace you - which in no way I am.

I wish you could understand. I wish you could get this. Because right now, I feel so alone. There isnt anyone I can talk to. No-one I trust enough with this, I cant even form the words.

I can never tell you about half the stuff that has happened because you would flid, i would be even more of a disappointment than I am today, right now.

Ive tried to be the perfect daughter, ive tried to be the best that I can be. But its just not me. Im not the goody goody. Im just me, soph, your baby girl. The same person I always have been. And I really have no idea what I have done what wrong. So maybe you could just tell me so that I can make it better.

Sorry, for everything.

Ive never felt so guilt. Ive never hated myself more. Ive never regretted something as much. Ive never wanted to take it back.

I want things to be how they were.
Everything was perfect.
And now is not.

I don't like to think people are mad at me. Especially you, because without you, there would be no me.

Empty words

I cant find the words to say it.
I cant form the sentences in my head let alone face to face.
I cant stand the pain I feel when I imagine how hurt you'd be.

Needy

Sometimes I feel like a child, other times I feel like an adult.
In the times inbetween, I dont know what I feel like, but it is unpleasant. In a way I feel needy.

I have this need to be loved, heard, noticed, cared for, hugged, spoken to, listened to.

 It all just overflows like a jug being filled to the brim with water.

If you listen carefully...

If you listen carefully, if you listen hard enough you'll hear a little girl crying for her mum, she cant use the words to tell them what's wrong, yet as parents they should automatically knew.

There is just one strange thing with this picture, the baby girl, is trapped inside a teenagers body. Unable to use words, so crying in place of them seems the only option. She doesn't need feeding or changing, she doesn't need winding or a nap. All she wants is to be picked up and cuddled.

Maybe that was why I was crying this morning, not because I felt left out, not because you were shouting just because I needed a hug. And instead of getting it from you - I got it from someone else.

Its not the same any more.

Please remember this, or think of it because you don't read this.

Do you wear cardigans in the summer?

Tonight has been a strange night. I have been in the worst mood in the world, and then dancing around the room to bob the builder. Its just strange. Now, well now im just tired. 

But reflection earlier this evening made me realise that no matter how hard I try, how much I want it to be, how much I crave it and hurt because its not - it will never be my secret again. And with that, I will never be me. Never be the person I was before, the person I preferred. You can regret things, and believe me I do. And I don't mean this in a horrid way, but to this day I regret every letting the words slip from my mouth. It could be so different right now. 

When I say this, I don't mean to sound jealous, harsh, or rude. Seeing you like that today broke my heart, clearly explained by the tears, watching you do that, lock yourself away - scared me a little but hearing you say that, hearing you say that really upset me and hurt me.

The words I have no friends escaped your mouth, whilst I was sat downstairs. Can you imagine how that feels? Sometimes I think the same and then I remember that I have you. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, and then I look at Facebook, look at my phone, and realise that I have loads of people there for me. Loads of people that would listen.

I love you to pieces, more than you could ever possibly realise. I dont think you understand how much I love you. Which is why maybe you think you have no friends. I dont know what it is that I am doing wrong at the moment, but nothing seems to be right. Every word that came out of my mouth was wrong and it broke my heart to know that I wasn't helping , that I couldn't help, and it was, if anything, making it worse.

Im sorry that I couldnt have done anything, im sorry that i couldnt make it better, and im even sorrier that im not a good friend. Like I should be.

"You only have to pick up a news paper to know that times are hard the future is an uncertain and murky place. In these hard times we have a unique opportunity. It is an opportunity to build something truly unique, an opportunity to help create a community which might just help to create a better future. This community will allow us to grow, to prosper and to create a better world for our futures. We can learn from the mistakes of time past and learn how to become the leaders who will ensure we never make the same mistakes again. These are high ambitions but at this the beginning of a truly historic time for this school, this town and this community our ambitions should not flinch from being the highest they can be. We all have a unique opportunity to play a part in forging a better future. We have an opportunity to create, an opportunity to build and an opportunity to flourish but most of all we have an opportunity to learn"


Where the words we heard, at the opening of our new built sixth form centre. The opening of the future, and a prospect in which excited many. For the first time for years, I was excited to go to school, excited to  restart in September and even more excited about the lessons I was going to start, or continue in some cases.

Now looking at it - it could all go pear shaped, I doubt it will, and I truly hope it wont. A possibly disappointment lies a head. In less than a week, the year 11s of 2011 will go to their school, nervously awaiting their results from the exams they had taken that summer. 2 months of anxiousness, 2 months of sheer nervousness and 2 months of not knowing what to expect.

Although, my predicted grades are good, it all depends on the exam questions. Nothing is clear, nothing is written in stone until you receive these results. There is always that question in the back of your mind. What if? What if I don't get good enough results to get into sixth form, and take the subjects I have spent the last 6 months preparing myself for, getting excited about. Nervousness is an emotion that I very rarily feel and until this year, I truly didnt understand what it really felt like.

Standing in a line, alphabetically, in silence clinging hold of a clear pencil case and going over the lessons topics, important things to remember; a constant adrenaline build up growing stronger and bigger by the second.  

Now rushing through all the books I have to read, all the work I have to do. I truly fear how hard the next two years are going to be.

I'm 16

For the past 5 years I have been treated like an adult and expected to constantly act like one.  At the age of 11 I was hit in the face with stuff which I didn't understand, couldn't understand or wouldn't understand. To this day, almost 5 years later and I still don't know why I refused to accept it. I left it to bubble on the side, re surface when I was a little older, understood a little better and could hide it all away a little more.

At the age of 12, confused within a world of heavy metal, thick make up and miss-leading friends I ended up in a sticky situation. With no-one to turn to, no elder sibling to ask for advice I found myself falling deeper and deeper, further and further. 13 was pretty much the same.

At the age of 14 I started to see the world from a different prospective, dropping the whole " emo " look I became a self respected young lady. Wearing skirts in place of jeans, and eye shadow instead of eye liner. I regained my girls, took control of my actions, all though so hobbies, habits and addictions just stay, forever, waiting beneath the surface until times get hard again.

15 & 16, GCSE's, all the fun in the world. Not. Stress, strain and struggle. The three S's, but they were good years in other ways. Such like the fact that I made some amazing friends, re connected with people whom I had known when I was smaller.

Yet now, I am 2 months and 11 days from being 17, my parents are beginning to treat me like the 11 year old, that lost her childhood a long time ago. Not being allowed to make my own decisions. Simple things like this get me down.

Maybe I am making mountains out of molehills, blowing things out of proportion, to some this would be just a minor blip in the road, for others something so huge its unreal. For me its something in the middle. Not horrid, but not simple either.  

My Friend Lauren

My friend Lauren, is tall and has hazel eyes. She has long blondey browny hair all down her back. Shes a ballet dancer and likes to sing really loud. But these qualities are nothing compared to her other qualities.

She looks after me, like a big sister. She cares for me like a mother. And she laughs at me like an enemy. She listens to me when I need to talk and she gives me big hugs.

I love Lauren

Its All Just Lies

Right now,
All I feel is that its all lies.
Every day is a lie.
Every Cigarette I smoke is a lie.
Every word I say is a lie.
Every Smile I show is a lie.
Every breathe I take is a lie.
Every Action I make is a lie.
Its all just lies

I want

I want to  tell you so bad, but I cant find the words to say. I want to be able to tell you its going to be okay, but im not sure its going to be. I want you to be okay. I want you to understand. I want you to be there. I want you to know that I am trying so hard, so so hard.


When I was small I would constantly chant the same verse "I want this, I want that" over and over again at the most random things. Things that had no meaning, no need and no importance to everyday life. Soon enough I became best friends with the phrase "I wants don't get"


For a 5 year old, this sentence was the dreaded repeated sentence, that meant shortly and simply no.

Now, I dont want things that are worth any money value. I just want things that mean something to me.

I just want things to be normal...

Whirlwinds

After reading your blog, I realised that I too have a lot of work to do. That I too have under estimated the amount of time needed to complete this work to my level of satisfaction and that I too will probably stress until it is absolutely perfect.

It is here, at this point that I have this sudden wave of fear rush over me, as I truly begin to understand what A-Levels are going to truly be like. They say that sixth form are the best to years in education, the most fantastic and the most dominant and prominent, the ones you will remember most. Yet the thing that they missed off when explaining how wonderful it was - was the amount of work, homework, stress and strain is involved and included with each and every days work.

It is not something that I would say - I am overly afraid of, just slightly fearful at how much strain its going to put us under. I don't work well when stressed, and I am now beginning to realise that GCSE was nothing compared to what lies ahead. I found GCSE unbelievably stressful, going for many days without sleep, proper food and surviving of revision, coffee and energy drinks. A time that I remember only too well.

Now with the summer almost half way through, I truly realise the important of needing to start the work, and actually finish it, instead of getting half way through and giving up. I see the importance in preparing myself for the busy two years ahead. Instead, I am going out, staying up late and completely ruining my sleeping pattern completely.

Routine is something I truly hate, yet miss when weeks of crazy-ness come about. I am tired, yet cant sleep. Strange I know, yet so frustrating I cannot begin to explain. So to the future, bring it on.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just get real stuck for words, for those who know me, they may think that is a ludicrous thing to say. Sophie - stuck for words. When I say stuck, I mean I write half a blog, stop, re read it and then delete it. I am adamant to post this one, and make it a good one at that.

I always get lost, distracted or end up trying to avoid finishing. I very rarely end up satisfied with what I have written and often end up scrapping it. Concious, self concious - Maybe, I know I am, I've been told enough times for me never to forget.

So as I am sat here, really late, really tired, slightly sick with make up everywhere I realise the important of just the smallest things. Listening to the top played in my play list, so many memories flood me. Good, bad, happy & sad.

Tonight was a brilliant night, just a simple shitty movie, but it was the company that made it all the best. My best friend, her mum, sister and neighbour. We just laughed our way through the night. And even though I felt hugely insecure and uncomfortable with the movie - due to the story line, I was able to look through that and enjoy the evening.

Music, music is my life, it can change my mood in seconds, can change what I am thinking, warm me up, calm me down, make it better, make me see sense or make me see worse things. Depending on the music it can change the day for me.

Help

Sometimes I find myself screaming for help in the most unusual and eccentric ways. This thought often stirs me to think about others and their cries for help. Am I missing the obvious signs, am I stumbling over subjects in which someone wants to, needs to mull over.

For you.

I cannot tell you how much i hate being this far away, only limited to what i can and cant do, only saying words that dont make sense really - not being able to run to you and give you a big hug and make it all so much better.
I hate the fact that im sat here staring at a computer not knowing what is wrong - and what I need to do to help you.
I hate that I cant make it better.
but the thing i hate the most is knowing that your not okay, knowing you are sad and knowing that here, a gazillion miles away, I can do absolutely nothing.
I hope you read this.
You will know its for you, you always do, and you always tell me to not make them to do so technically this isnt but is at the same time. For outsiders this may seem unbelivably complicated but for us - just us two, it is normal, completely normal.

You are an amazing person, and you know it  :) - you must never ever forget how special you are, and the things you done, not only for me but for other people too. It is a bitch of a world out there and you were sent to save me and others.
 You put everyone first, and sometimes you forget about yourself, you are always moaning to me about how I dont put myself first and how i worry about everyone else too much and not myself but the same goes for you. You do the same. For once my darling girl - you need to go out and treat yourself.

You are perfect, no matter how much anyone tries to tell you that you are not. You are wonderful.

Yet, the most important thing, the thing in which I consider to be the greatest thing of all is that you accepted me as a friend - knew the baggage that i carried, in which put others off, you took me in, brightened me up, wiped away the tears and where there at the end of the day. You are my best friend. And without you - well the though gives me shivers.

I love you <3

A million miles away

Sat in an internet cafe, not quite a million miles away from the normal, rather boring life I lead - im sat here, wondering what is happening at home, is there something someones not telling me because they dont wanna ruin my time away - is there something thats going on. I know its just paranoid but thats life and thats me.
I know its not quite a million miles away - but it might aswell be, I dont like being away from my friends for long periods of time, and the only thing that is keeping me from being completely cut of from them is this very computer that im sat on right now - in which every ten minutes requires another euro to work.
Sad times as now I have no money left and only 4 minutes left. 4 minutes in which I have so much to say, so many people to check on and make sure they are okay - and 4 minutes to type a very important email - one a day, to one of my best friends. This email is the most important thing because we are inseparble and she never seems to beonline whenever I am so it is important i send this email. I look back to when my parents were smaller, listening to the stories they often tell, the endless stories in which I love hearing so much and I realise how different life actually was - life without computers and mobile phones. How would we survive...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow: Everyone else seems hugely excited - but to me it just feels normal, at three o'clock tomorrow morning I am sure it will kick in and I will implode with excitement. But right now - its just a normal Thursday night, sat here being told to tidy my room, watching EastEnders with the sister and waiting for my dad to come home with dinner.

Today: Well today was just a taster of what the future holds, it was so exciting, such an amazing day and I cannot wait to begin at sixth form in September. With a small taster of all my AS levels, I decided immediately that Economics was not for me, and after a nervous and tearful conversation - which now seems ridiculous but at the time in such a tizz.

Yesterday: Yesterday was interesting, like the Apprentice we were split into 5 groups, which were next year form groups - we had to create, design, produce and finance the making of a new console for a town of population of 100, 000. It was a good experience and I learnt many valuable skills from it.

The Future: A very scary thing, not knowing what will happen. Every day the inevitable comes closer, yet you do not know what this may be. I know what I want, and in a way I know what I have to do to be able to achieve this - yet today hit home about how difficult it was going to be. By lunch I was already stressing out, panicking about how I was going to fit everything, how I was going to manage all the work. 4 hours study for every hour of a lesson. Lots and lots of work, the stress I faced this year will be nothing compared to the stress in which I will face in the next to years. The pressure will be huge, unlike anything I have ever experienced. And I think in the end, the two years will be the best, the most memorable, the friends I make these two years, will be the ones I keep for a long time and the memories will be ones that stay with me forever. And the pictures I will take will be the ones that are stuck on the walls at my 50th birthday party. It is an exciting prospect yet one I fear a huge amount. To the new friends I have made, welcome and to the old ones well you know how much I love you guys.

There is so so so much I want to say and I just don't know which order or how to put it all into words. There are so many exciting things happening this summer, bbqs, parties, celebrations, results... the list goes on and on. It is a summer I have been looking forward to since I realised that my GCSEs were over and done that this summer was going to be one long hot one full of fun:)

Talking again

Things are better with you. Things feel stronger. And tonight - I opened up to you again, put my trust in you and realised how bad I do need you to help me through, make it better and make me see sense. It is certainly times like these you realise who your real friends are. Today I met lots of new people, people who I vaguely knew through facebook and people that had never crossed my path before. These people were truly amazing, and I admire their courage. Tomorrows another day and I have to keep strong, but right now - I just wanna crawl under a rock and hide away for a while.

As I take my make up off

This evening, as I stood opposite the mirror taking off my make up - I realised that tomorrow was the beginning of the future. That thought indeed is a very scary prospect.

I have not much to say other than I need to grow up, become more organised, and start things earlier.

I have 45 minutes until I need to go to bed so that I can get up at the right time - yet I have so much to do -  which is why this blog is only small.

I love you Jenny x

I am sorrier

I hope you read these, check these regularly because to think that you have felt like that since that night truly hurts me. I still love you, more than I could ever tell you. I still think of you the same. I still adore you. And my only excuse is that I cant find the words to say. Now it has come to the point the words are not important - its the actions in which I take which are important.
Even sat here, behind a computer screen, with all the words in the world I am finding it difficult to form a sentence. I am just going to say it all, truly all, and I would like it if we could just move on.


You are my baby girl, my little baby girl and I treated you like shit. There is nothing in this world which can justify what I said to you. I had had a particular bad evening and I just took everything out on you. Which was awful. I asked for your opinion, I wanted to know that you were okay with me, I didn't want you to hate me for something in which I detest my self for. The thought of you dis-liking it ripped my to shreds. I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried, how much I regret every word I said, how sorry I truly am. Some things are so much more complicated than they first may seem. And if I am being honest I do not know what happened to make it like this. 


I am truly and utterly sorry, but somehow sorry just doesn't seem enough to make it all better. It will never be the end, we are made of stronger stuff. I just need to grow up and act my age and accept that I am wrong, and that people aren't against me, they only care.  For years, I taught myself to not get attached because people will only leave you, people will only hurt you, people don't care, they are only out for themselves, but I was wrong, so so wrong. I am so angry at myself, more angry than you could possibly imagine, for letting this happen, letting it go this far. I feel so guilty, so horrible, like a bitch. You were there when no one else was, you were the person who I text at ten o'clock saying can I meet you. The person whose arms I ran into tears pouring from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, onto your shoulders. I can never replace that kind of love I hold for you. These past few weeks, things haven't been right - I felt like something is out of place, something is wrong, something is missing. It is not a pleasant feeling. And I hope it is one that can be sorted and fixed..


I have always said that I am the kind of person who puts my friends first, will be there when the need be - even if it is half past three in the morning - I am only a text away. Yet these past few days, weeks maybe even months - I haven't been following this - I have been selfish and put myself first. This now feels awful, I don't like putting myself first and I have learnt from my mistakes. And I only hope that you can forgive me.


Like you I have written many many many posts, but half way through I stopped and thought that it wasn't right, something was missing, this had to be right - this had to contain everything that I wanted to say. Im so sorry, sorrier than I think I have ever been before, and please understand this was not your fault. It was purely and solely mine. I am Sorry <3

Inspiration

To write this blog, this post - I need inspiration, I find it from the most strangest places - shops, the street, youtube videos, my bedroom floor where a magazine is casually sprawled across my floor, anything really something that means something to me. Important things in life that maybe just don't get enough recognition. Things that have happened to me. Things that have happened to others.
Recently I have found is extremely difficult to find something to write about - crazily searching my empty mind to find something interesting - something worth reading. I am often very concious about the fact that many of my posts are long and incredibly boring.
I write a lot about myself, because that is the easiest thing to write about, I relate to the posts as I read them back, casually editing the bits in which I have written which are just that little bit personal, that bit over the top, and do not need to be posted on the internet.
Today, I was tired - after a very long previous night and a very early morning, I spent most of the day trying to keep my eyes open, concentrating on conversations so as not to loose track of everything. Tiredness comes with downs though - all day I was in a major grump. Looking back this was so immature - something that reminded me so badly of the days when I was a child, a young child. Especially the days spent on the beach. Long days, lots of walking, playing, no sleep because you didn't want to miss anything, a casual stroll to the hotel for dinner and then you would go out for the evening - I didn't really do much to be tired - other than have a late night. It shows how much times change. Times change and so do people.
This year, more prominently I have noticed people changing, maturing, acting differently and becoming different people. Some are still my friends others have moved on. Even I have changed, in many ways. I notice these changes every day. Some changes for the good, other changes not so good.
People change - and instead of fighting it - the thing to do is accept it and walk the path in which is shown to you. Live each day as it comes, do not plan to far ahead.

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come.
 But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up!"


To the one person reading this, you know who you are - read that quote, re read it and sleep on it. I love you <3 

Just a girl

Im just one person, one small person in this place known at this moment in time as Earth, but I am sure in the future - or the past the name will or has been different.
I am just one person - I cant change a lot, I cant perform miracles, but the things that I am able to do, are important to me. The small changes I make help to make bigger changes in the future.
They say that the beating of a butterflies wings can create a storm a world away.


Something so small can create something big. In this case it is in a negative outlook. Once considered to be a "grown up" I know I certainly saw the world and life in a very different way. Being a child meant protection from the nastiest things in life, and not fully understanding the full story. Yet at 16 I think the majority of stories that come on the news holding the most gruesome outcomes I understand.

Yesterday whilst browsing some videos I found one of a news clip about a father who surprised his son at school. I saw the title of the video - and I thought how peculiar why would he just go to the school to surprise his son, whom he saw just that morning, or tucked into bed that previous night. It wasn't until I saw this clip with the man walking in the door that I truly understood the concept. This man, the father of this 6 year old boy, walked into the classroom wearing his ACU (advanced combat uniform). On seeing this uniform I immediately understood the story. This man, had been fighting for his country, given up precious time with his son, his wife and other family members to risk his own life serving for his country.
Watching this video - shocked the living day lights out of me. I sat there in the darkness of my living room, just the laptop as the source of light, no one else home. Crying, I'm not sure why I cried if I am being perfectly honest. Maybe it was because this boy saw his dad, this 6 year old little boy sprang from his seat ran across the room and leaped into his fathers welcoming arms crying "Daddy you're home", maybe it was the fact that I had never even given these thoughts consideration in the past - of course I knew that there were soldiers risking their lives for their countries, and of course I knew the family at home, but I have never before imagined the childrens reactions to when their father, or mother comes home. Or maybe it was the fact that I realised that everday I see my dad, everday I get to say good morning, or good night, kiss and hug him when I want, talk to him when I need, ask him for advice, - face to face. Not over a letter. My dad was stood watching me get out of my limo when I left school, he saw me take my first steps, speak my first words, picked me up when I fell. Maybe I realised that for the past 16 years I have been taken advantage of the fact that my dad, has just been there, when I needed him. 

Luke

I know you occasionally read this - by your subtle hints about the appalling poetry. I have done one for Dan, and  I thought that I should do one for my Luke.
I have known for what seems like forever - and you are one of the greatest friends I have. I am proud to call you a friend. You are so intelligent and intellectual. I love our late night conversations and the fact that usually you are the only person that bothers talking to me and carry on talking. I love how we never run out of things to say. And I love how you always know the answer. But the things I love the most are your acceptance of me as I am, the way you just know what to do, and your opinions.
Its only short, and I know its not much. But really you mean the world to me. Thank you Lukey Boy :)

I dont know what to write

I have loads of things that I want to say, I need to say and that I crave to say - but finding the words isnt all that easy, and having the trust - is three times harder. 
I dont trust anyone as much as prehaps I would - there is not one person on this earth at this very precise second that I could tell anyone knowing that it would go no further.


There are people, older people, people whom I idolise in which I would love to tell - but the chances of them having to take it further is huge. And I absolutely refuse to put myself in this situation again. 
Im not ungrateful for what happened - but I wish it could've been different. I wish it was me that spoke the words, not you.

The words I long to say, wish to say, to certain people - the script I have planned in my head. I know what I wanna say - I just dont know how. For some this may seem ridiculous "what does she mean - she can speak cant she?" Yes I can speak, but what I mean is I do not know how to form the sentences - put the right words together to make it sound okay, make it sound less serious than it actually is. Some people know, some dont. I would prefer it if nobody knew, thats just the way I work - I would prefer to be someone people didnt think of me in prehaps the way the do and see me in the way they do. If anything I would like to go back - to being the girl I was in September to everyone but myself - life would be so much simpler :) 

Why I shouldnt be allowed to write poetry

A silent tear rolls down your face
She has gone to a better place
The clouds above hold her fears
While the ground below catches your tears


A cuddle, a cry, a scream of pain 
Behind their eyes a hint of shame
The memories running back on replay
Wishing you could turn back a day 


Make it all different
Even if just for day
Say what you wanted to say 
Tell her you love her


This is just one of the many pieces of poetry I have written - its not great, but its personal to myself and it makes you reconsider alot of things, well it does for me anyway.

You are beautiful

Teenagers, especially girls are always putting themselves down, saying they are not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, too spotty, their hair is too greasy. The list goes on. Whilst writing this - one person is in mind. 


You are beautiful, perfect and gorgeous. Even though sometimes you dont think you are - to me you are perfect. Maybe my opinion is a little biased - but that shouldnt matter, no bodies opinions of yourself should matter, those that put you down are just jealous and insecure.

Keep smiling beautiful...


I love you - with every single millimetre of my cold cold heart 

"When life throws you lemons - Make lemonade"

Make good of every bad situation. Right now all I want to do is run into someone's arms and stay there for a while. Someone to stitch and sew me back together. Make it all okay.
It has been the busiest week ever - and now I am severely paying for it. Tomorrow its a half six start for me - work of course. I dislike it intensely however it is money and being a shop-a-holic, I like money, clothes, shoes, make-up and the other luxuries that come with working.
"Grit your teeth and bare it" 
Sometimes, you just have to accept how things are! My mum just recently moved works and I found this thing in which I had hand written for her:

"Everything happens for a reason
People change so that we can learn to let go
Things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they are right
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself
And sometimes good things can fall apart so better things can fall together" 


Everything happens for a reason- oh that is so true, sometimes, probably more times than not the reason is unknown - but whatever the situation is - there is always, always a reason
Things go wrong, so we can appreciate them when they are right - I don't follow this - I take day to day life for granted and when one tiny thing falls out of place then its all tears, moaning and worry. I wish there is a part of me that could learn to follow this - and maybe one day I just will, maybe its something that comes with age, intelligence - or just time.
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself - Trust, is such a complicated thing. So confusing in its own special ways - is there someone I trust with everything? - No, never, people know snippets, little bits and pieces - but never the whole story, there is always something missing - the smallest bit, or the most important bit.

Time, Time is a funny thing, over time you can learn to do so much, so many different things, with such extent it bewilders me. Time heals all, nearly, as my mumma says. The concept that Time is never ending confuses the heck out of me.

"Dont get so close to change my mind"

The first thing on my mind is that I wish I could write titles in italics. 
The second is my love for music.
And the third, the third are just empty thoughts, meaningless to anyone but myself.

In life there are many things in which I just simply adore - one of these being imagination. A good imagination will get you far. Being able to create the most wonderful, thought out situations in the space of seconds, minutes, or even hours is a truly amazing. I am absolutely sure that everyone does it - how ever I have never really had the guts to ask any one - I don't want my friends to think im eccentric, or laugh at me.  Call me self concious - tell me they are my friends, tell me they wont laugh. Maybe, but that is my biggest fear. 


Everyone has fears, worry, the majority of the time they are secret, hidden from the rest of the world. Personal to each individual, different across the board, and changing all the time. As situations occur, peoples fears change, worries get worse or sometimes get better.

Worry

In my small little life I have heard many words a gazillions times: "you worry too much" So many different people have told this to me, in so many different ways, at so many different times.
The truth is I don't worry too much, I worry enough for me to feel content that my friends are okay, my family are fine and others are okay too.
Worrying is a natural action for anyone who has a heart, and considering that everyone has to have a heart to survive. I worry about individuals for different reasons - and it is not something I like to share with people. It is my personal concerns in which I will find ways to deal with in my own time.

As many a time before I have said my friends are important so so important to me, and if something is not right for them, then its not right for me either. I dont get myself down about it - that would be silly, taking the world on  my shoulders is no longer an option - but trying to help them out, give them advice, see it from the outside looking in - that is my role. The mother, as they sometimes call me.

And if I am being perfectly honest - I love it every time the do 

There is one person

There are many people in which I owe a thousand thanks too - yet there is one person, who is going to remain nameless for various reason, one person who I always feel I have never thanked enough. They have no idea how much they saved me from a dark place, pulled me through and got me smiling - more than once.
As I write this, rereading each sentences - many memories flood my mind, dancing round the edges, jumping in the middle some more prominent than others.
So many words I long to say, yet I am restrained by the rule book. Metaphorically speaking I am bound by ties, and the sheer un-want of others finding out. Its like a game of Chinese whispers, once one person finds out they have to tell the next and then the next and the next - welcome to my mind, this is the way in which I think!
To this one particular person - who may or may not read this, I am not sure - thank you. For all the things, everything really. I couldn't specifically say anything because there have been so many things, so many times I have cried on your shoulder, sobbed in your arms, talked things through, stropped, stressed, strained, shouted, whisper, stamp, made sense of things, asked for advice - see the list go on.
I dont think you will ever be aware of how thankful I am, I am a lucky girl to have such amazing people included in my life and without them day to day life would be a struggle - but knowing that at the end of the day - someone is always going to be there, asking if I am okay, checking to make sure I have not fallen off the wagon - returned to the shadow of my past. Someone who is always going to be disappointed if i do. Makes me rethink my actions - seeing your picture sat in a cute tatty teddy frame which stands on my window sill  - or the one pinned to my canvas of the three of us. Knowing that in a way you are watching my every move, every action, and every consequence. Knowing that if the action was made it would not only disappoint.
That Friday, if you are reading this, I think you'll know which Friday I mean, the one where I sat by the piano it was the end of the day, I was tired. The hurt in your eyes, made me realise that things had to change!
I don't like hurting people - seeing them upset, it makes me worry more than I already do and trust me I worry so much about each and every single person who has ever effected my life in more ways that one. Even if it does seem strange and peculiar. That is just me.
So if you are reading this. Please know that I do adore you, and I am thankful even if at times it seems like I am just a grumpy moody little bumbag!! I could not have asked for a nicer, kinder person to walk into my life at the time when I needed it most- Thank you 
<3

My Charlie

Charlotte Rebecca Buckley

You are my angel, you walked in when it felt like the rest of the world was walking out - you have been such a fantastic friend  and it is your birthday today - and you said you did not want a present so instead you have this email - I hope you print it off and save it for bad times when all you need to do is smile. Happy birthday my darling, 16 at long last, you can buy a lottery ticket - woop tee doo! 

Its not been an easy year, for any one but especially you. Your courage has carried you through, I know it hasnt been easy - and I hope that I was the best friend I could have been, when times were tough - I hope you realised that I was always going to be there, even if no one else was. And I hope to this day - that you know that! I also hope you know how special you are to me, and how much I adore you. 
This is so hard to write because you are not the soppy sickly kind of person - and I can just imagine you sat there reading this chuckling away at my soppiness - but I am your very soppy Soph! 

You have been such a kind person to me, you know me and pretty much everything that goes with me, and with everything all the baggage and shit that comes with me you still accepted me as a friend! You are there for me when I need it - and I hope you know that im there too! You make me smile, when all I want to do is cry. You give me the best hugs and the most apt advice. Usually it sounds a bit like "pull yourself together girl" but that means more than anything. Actions speak louder than words, and its the little things you do that make me smile the most. Your hugs are worth a thousand words, but your smile, your smile is worth so much more. Seeing you smiling makes me so happy! 

So Charlotte, now you are 16 go crazy, celebrate and a little birdy told me you were getting your ear pierced - one day I will present you with the perfect gift for your 16th it may be late, and right now I have no idea what it will be, but when I see it - I will know and it will be perfect. 

I hope this little message, makes you happy on your birthday and reminds you how much you are loved - if only by me ;) 

Keep smiling beautiful - 

Im always two steps behind - never forget that

I love you soo much

A massive birthday squeeze

All my love, 

Forever and always

Your Soph

I'll be there

The Jackson Five - I'll be there such a lovely song - an amazing one at that.
Im writing this with one person in mind - as she reads this she will know that it is for her. She is my baby, and I love her to pieces. I have not known her all that long - but the short time she has been in my life she has helped me through so much - more than she will know for a long time. Now it is my turn to help her, in a way I know she will be okay without my help - but as the mother of the group, it is my duty to make sure that she is okay, happy and feeling love and content with her life.
This girl, whom I am writing about - is going through a difficult situation right now, and I think that she is the bravest person I know. She is what I would consider a best friend she is there when I need her and when anyone else needs her. She is so full of love and hugs.
I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. But she should, she should have more confidence within herself and believe more in herself. She is a lovely person, a true gem. And sometimes she should stop worrying about others and worry about herself. She should let other people worry about her, and care for her. She is the most wonderful person for her - and if there is one thing she should know - it would be I'll be there always

Im Sorry

Im sorry for the tears
Im sorry for the talks
Im sorry for the lies
Im sorry for the hurt
Im sorry for the pain
Im sorry for the screams
Im sorry for the shouts
Im sorry for the mess
Im sorry for not telling you
Im sorry for hiding away
Im sorry for secrets
Im sorry that im your friend
Im sorry I ruined everything for you
Im sorry I made a mess
Im sorry I said the wrong thing
Im sorry I threw it all back
Im sorry for the late nights
Im sorry for the worry
Im sorry for asking if youre okay
Im sorry for caring too much
Im sorry for worrying about you
Im sorry for trying to be a good person
Im sorry okay just Sorry
Im sorry for what I have done
and Im sorry for what Im about to do

It's all in my mind

Everything I think, everything I dream, everything I say, all in all, just generally everything - it's all in my mind. 
Whilst these are in fact some of my favourite lyrics to a song - they speak the truth. Everything is all in my mind.
Before going to sleep each night, I think - lots and lots. About things I have said, things that have been said to me, things in which I am going to say and things in which I intend to do. Everything in my life has a plan and a structure - more often than not it does not follow this structure - but this does not matter, it is spontaneous and sometimes spontaneity is great.

I have regrets, and before bed each night - religiously I go over these regrets - making myself cringe and leaving myself desperate to forget. Forgetting is not an option for me. Every bad memory runs clear and straight in my mind. And believe me I have tried to forget all the bad things, all the hurt, all the pain, all the tears and all the strain - but it seemed impossible. I now live off my good memories - for they are important.
But returning to my main point. Before bed I recite the regrets, the things I wish I had of said, things I wish I had done, actions that I wish I had taken but most importantly the chances I had to tell someone about what happened - and I didn't because I was just too scared,  and if I am being perfectly honest I still am. I opened my heart out to someone and it felt horrendous - it did not help, if anything made it worse. It felt like they had entered my private locked away world.

But this is getting far to personal and sad, I am very tired therefore that is The End

Quickly running out of time

This past week - I have been so busy that I have not had time to think let alone blog. But now on this cosy Saturday afternoon - it appears I now have enough motive and time to post something.

Prom
So it was prom on Thursday evening. Although a fantastic evening it was very emotional. The beginning consisted of many photographs. I felt like everywhere I turned there was another camera pointing towards me. Through the night, I chatted, photographed, sung and danced with many people. It was such a special night - one in which will be treasured with me for ever. 
It was such a special evening - yet there was a significant part of the evening which mattered the most to me, and this was the end. Not the very end - but nearing the end. As the music was drawing to a close the majority of people stood inside dancing, singing - yet three people remained outside sat on a bench just "chatting". Myself, Adam and my very first form tutor. We spent ages and ages talking about the old times, good times and funny times. This made me smile so much.

Today I Laughed

Random I know but so significant to me, and possibly my friends. I laughed so much today over some of the silliest things. Simple things that to other people would make absolutely no sense.
Today I realised many things - I tend to each day I learn a little bit more about someone, realise something else and come to conclusions.
Laughing is so good for everyone - scientists suggest that it is good exercise. A day without laugh is a day wasted 
So true, today I laughed more than I had in a long time - and it felt so good . I felt care free and worry free. 

Tears are annoying little balls of salty water that fall at the most inappropriate times. Happy tears, sad tears, confused tears, angry tears. So many different types of tears. With tears come all sorts of other issues - runny noses, sore eyes, run mascara.It seems such a waste - crying. Lots of people dont cry all that much, yet there are people that can cry at the smallest of things, crying is a good way to let out emotion.

If there is one thing I have never truly understood it is - why do people cry at weddings. Surely they are such happy events that tears shouldn't even be considered. Last year at my cousins wedding - it came clear to me that actually people cry at weddings because they are happy, not sad.

Tears, such good way to show so many emotions. I can think of so many emotions- and link them all into to tears, whether it is young or old ages in which they are related to - they still are there. Jealousy - as a child, many people will remember, crying because your best friend got new roller blades and you didn't and silly little childish things. Anger - especially as a teenager, I have really associated many things with anger, I become angered easily - I used to get rid of this anger in such a horrid way in which now a days I would not even consider - now left is crying away the anger. Sadness - everyone crys because they are sad at one point in their life or another, its a natural thing to cry when you are sad. The list goes on and on.

I have cried so many times, in front of so many different people - some I knew well, others I did not. Every time, I had to explain myself, why I was crying, what happened that was so bad that it made me cry. What people never understood is that sometimes there was no reason for my tears - and that I had just bottled up so much, I had to let it out. Someone had left the bowl under the tap and the bowl was beginning to overflow this is how it was explained to me once. At the time it made so much sense. 


Songs make me cry, whether its the lyrics or the tune. The sweetest of each can bring pools to my eyes. Sometimes they bring back memories - some that make me happy, others that scar me, some which haunt me like a shadow. 

Dear you, again

Dear, 

You would be able to sort this mess out, if you were here. 

You would make sense of it all. Right now its so confusing. 

You would make it all better.

You would tell me it was all going to be okay

You would tell me what to say

Somehow you would sort it out, but you aren't here to sort it - and I have to remember that. Your light, lit my path - showed me the way and directed me. 

These words are not mine - yet so very important

"It calls me closer, its calls me near 
"Just once and it'll be over" 
Death whispers in my ear 
Irresistible is its sweet entice 
Staring down, which one to slice, 
I observe my previous tries 
My unseen hurt and earlier cries 
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head 
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled 
Anger and rage consumes me 
My minds demons bursting to be free 
The walls of my cage finally cave 
"Just be still, just be brave" 
I slash down with an improvised knife 
"Forget this world, forget my life" 
Blood oozes and drips down the drain 
A slight tingle but no real pain 
A Calmness comes over me 
My last attempt please, it's got to be 
"Screw everyone, that's made me into this" 
The very same people who I'm going to miss 
Tears stream down my cheek, 
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak 
Darkness surrounds me, I get a glimpse of the abyss 
I embrace the darkness, then hear a shriek... 

Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound 
I feel my body drifting 
I hear scraping, something's stirring around 
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting 
I hear a scream, I hear a moan 
I want my family, I'm all alone 
I hear cry, I hear a sob 
And realize it's my own 
I know I have sinned, still I pray to god 
"Please get me out of this hell" 
I start to yell... 
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind 
No one to help me, no one for me to find 
I've never felt so scared.... 
My soul finally screamed and despaired 
"I give up..." 

A light??? 
My consciousness returns 
As it starts to get bright 
I feel myself falling 
A faint faraway voice, I hear someone calling 
Brighter now, getting brighter still 
I feel myself escaping from this hell 
Has it been months or has it been years? 
Since I was stuck in that prison, 
Trapped with my fears 

I open my eyes, and look around 
I'm lying in a bed in a hospital gown 
The worried looks on their faces makes me ashamed 
Sitting and staring no one makes a sound 
"Sorry" is all I say... 
Mother starts crying, my farther is sad 
Finding me like that, must have been bad... 
I get a kiss and a cuddle, 
A pat from my father, 
My minds in a muddle 
I still manage a small smile, 
And close my eyes for a while, 
I promise myself, from this day on and till I die 
I'm going to be the best person I can 
Or at least try 
Like a old cliché 
"Live everyday like it's the last" 
Forget all the bad days, I'm leaving them in the past 
The sun is shining, my dark clouds have vanished 
My demons have gone, finally banished 
Life is good, life is great, 
Forget wallowing in self pity 
I tell you, straight."

Source: Self Harm, Suicide Poems and Stories http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22087#ixzz1Qbkf2OFX