Sat in an internet cafe, not quite a million miles away from the normal, rather boring life I lead - im sat here, wondering what is happening at home, is there something someones not telling me because they dont wanna ruin my time away - is there something thats going on. I know its just paranoid but thats life and thats me.
I know its not quite a million miles away - but it might aswell be, I dont like being away from my friends for long periods of time, and the only thing that is keeping me from being completely cut of from them is this very computer that im sat on right now - in which every ten minutes requires another euro to work.
Sad times as now I have no money left and only 4 minutes left. 4 minutes in which I have so much to say, so many people to check on and make sure they are okay - and 4 minutes to type a very important email - one a day, to one of my best friends. This email is the most important thing because we are inseparble and she never seems to beonline whenever I am so it is important i send this email. I look back to when my parents were smaller, listening to the stories they often tell, the endless stories in which I love hearing so much and I realise how different life actually was - life without computers and mobile phones. How would we survive...
Monday, 25 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow: Everyone else seems hugely excited - but to me it just feels normal, at three o'clock tomorrow morning I am sure it will kick in and I will implode with excitement. But right now - its just a normal Thursday night, sat here being told to tidy my room, watching EastEnders with the sister and waiting for my dad to come home with dinner.
Today: Well today was just a taster of what the future holds, it was so exciting, such an amazing day and I cannot wait to begin at sixth form in September. With a small taster of all my AS levels, I decided immediately that Economics was not for me, and after a nervous and tearful conversation - which now seems ridiculous but at the time in such a tizz.
Yesterday: Yesterday was interesting, like the Apprentice we were split into 5 groups, which were next year form groups - we had to create, design, produce and finance the making of a new console for a town of population of 100, 000. It was a good experience and I learnt many valuable skills from it.
The Future: A very scary thing, not knowing what will happen. Every day the inevitable comes closer, yet you do not know what this may be. I know what I want, and in a way I know what I have to do to be able to achieve this - yet today hit home about how difficult it was going to be. By lunch I was already stressing out, panicking about how I was going to fit everything, how I was going to manage all the work. 4 hours study for every hour of a lesson. Lots and lots of work, the stress I faced this year will be nothing compared to the stress in which I will face in the next to years. The pressure will be huge, unlike anything I have ever experienced. And I think in the end, the two years will be the best, the most memorable, the friends I make these two years, will be the ones I keep for a long time and the memories will be ones that stay with me forever. And the pictures I will take will be the ones that are stuck on the walls at my 50th birthday party. It is an exciting prospect yet one I fear a huge amount. To the new friends I have made, welcome and to the old ones well you know how much I love you guys.
There is so so so much I want to say and I just don't know which order or how to put it all into words. There are so many exciting things happening this summer, bbqs, parties, celebrations, results... the list goes on and on. It is a summer I have been looking forward to since I realised that my GCSEs were over and done that this summer was going to be one long hot one full of fun:)
Today: Well today was just a taster of what the future holds, it was so exciting, such an amazing day and I cannot wait to begin at sixth form in September. With a small taster of all my AS levels, I decided immediately that Economics was not for me, and after a nervous and tearful conversation - which now seems ridiculous but at the time in such a tizz.
Yesterday: Yesterday was interesting, like the Apprentice we were split into 5 groups, which were next year form groups - we had to create, design, produce and finance the making of a new console for a town of population of 100, 000. It was a good experience and I learnt many valuable skills from it.
The Future: A very scary thing, not knowing what will happen. Every day the inevitable comes closer, yet you do not know what this may be. I know what I want, and in a way I know what I have to do to be able to achieve this - yet today hit home about how difficult it was going to be. By lunch I was already stressing out, panicking about how I was going to fit everything, how I was going to manage all the work. 4 hours study for every hour of a lesson. Lots and lots of work, the stress I faced this year will be nothing compared to the stress in which I will face in the next to years. The pressure will be huge, unlike anything I have ever experienced. And I think in the end, the two years will be the best, the most memorable, the friends I make these two years, will be the ones I keep for a long time and the memories will be ones that stay with me forever. And the pictures I will take will be the ones that are stuck on the walls at my 50th birthday party. It is an exciting prospect yet one I fear a huge amount. To the new friends I have made, welcome and to the old ones well you know how much I love you guys.
There is so so so much I want to say and I just don't know which order or how to put it all into words. There are so many exciting things happening this summer, bbqs, parties, celebrations, results... the list goes on and on. It is a summer I have been looking forward to since I realised that my GCSEs were over and done that this summer was going to be one long hot one full of fun:)
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Talking again
Things are better with you. Things feel stronger. And tonight - I opened up to you again, put my trust in you and realised how bad I do need you to help me through, make it better and make me see sense. It is certainly times like these you realise who your real friends are. Today I met lots of new people, people who I vaguely knew through facebook and people that had never crossed my path before. These people were truly amazing, and I admire their courage. Tomorrows another day and I have to keep strong, but right now - I just wanna crawl under a rock and hide away for a while.
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
As I take my make up off
This evening, as I stood opposite the mirror taking off my make up - I realised that tomorrow was the beginning of the future. That thought indeed is a very scary prospect.
I have not much to say other than I need to grow up, become more organised, and start things earlier.
I have 45 minutes until I need to go to bed so that I can get up at the right time - yet I have so much to do - which is why this blog is only small.
I love you Jenny x
Monday, 18 July 2011
I am sorrier
I hope you read these, check these regularly because to think that you have felt like that since that night truly hurts me. I still love you, more than I could ever tell you. I still think of you the same. I still adore you. And my only excuse is that I cant find the words to say. Now it has come to the point the words are not important - its the actions in which I take which are important.
Even sat here, behind a computer screen, with all the words in the world I am finding it difficult to form a sentence. I am just going to say it all, truly all, and I would like it if we could just move on.
You are my baby girl, my little baby girl and I treated you like shit. There is nothing in this world which can justify what I said to you. I had had a particular bad evening and I just took everything out on you. Which was awful. I asked for your opinion, I wanted to know that you were okay with me, I didn't want you to hate me for something in which I detest my self for. The thought of you dis-liking it ripped my to shreds. I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried, how much I regret every word I said, how sorry I truly am. Some things are so much more complicated than they first may seem. And if I am being honest I do not know what happened to make it like this.
I am truly and utterly sorry, but somehow sorry just doesn't seem enough to make it all better. It will never be the end, we are made of stronger stuff. I just need to grow up and act my age and accept that I am wrong, and that people aren't against me, they only care. For years, I taught myself to not get attached because people will only leave you, people will only hurt you, people don't care, they are only out for themselves, but I was wrong, so so wrong. I am so angry at myself, more angry than you could possibly imagine, for letting this happen, letting it go this far. I feel so guilty, so horrible, like a bitch. You were there when no one else was, you were the person who I text at ten o'clock saying can I meet you. The person whose arms I ran into tears pouring from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, onto your shoulders. I can never replace that kind of love I hold for you. These past few weeks, things haven't been right - I felt like something is out of place, something is wrong, something is missing. It is not a pleasant feeling. And I hope it is one that can be sorted and fixed..
I have always said that I am the kind of person who puts my friends first, will be there when the need be - even if it is half past three in the morning - I am only a text away. Yet these past few days, weeks maybe even months - I haven't been following this - I have been selfish and put myself first. This now feels awful, I don't like putting myself first and I have learnt from my mistakes. And I only hope that you can forgive me.
Like you I have written many many many posts, but half way through I stopped and thought that it wasn't right, something was missing, this had to be right - this had to contain everything that I wanted to say. Im so sorry, sorrier than I think I have ever been before, and please understand this was not your fault. It was purely and solely mine. I am Sorry <3
Even sat here, behind a computer screen, with all the words in the world I am finding it difficult to form a sentence. I am just going to say it all, truly all, and I would like it if we could just move on.
You are my baby girl, my little baby girl and I treated you like shit. There is nothing in this world which can justify what I said to you. I had had a particular bad evening and I just took everything out on you. Which was awful. I asked for your opinion, I wanted to know that you were okay with me, I didn't want you to hate me for something in which I detest my self for. The thought of you dis-liking it ripped my to shreds. I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried, how much I regret every word I said, how sorry I truly am. Some things are so much more complicated than they first may seem. And if I am being honest I do not know what happened to make it like this.
I am truly and utterly sorry, but somehow sorry just doesn't seem enough to make it all better. It will never be the end, we are made of stronger stuff. I just need to grow up and act my age and accept that I am wrong, and that people aren't against me, they only care. For years, I taught myself to not get attached because people will only leave you, people will only hurt you, people don't care, they are only out for themselves, but I was wrong, so so wrong. I am so angry at myself, more angry than you could possibly imagine, for letting this happen, letting it go this far. I feel so guilty, so horrible, like a bitch. You were there when no one else was, you were the person who I text at ten o'clock saying can I meet you. The person whose arms I ran into tears pouring from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, onto your shoulders. I can never replace that kind of love I hold for you. These past few weeks, things haven't been right - I felt like something is out of place, something is wrong, something is missing. It is not a pleasant feeling. And I hope it is one that can be sorted and fixed..
I have always said that I am the kind of person who puts my friends first, will be there when the need be - even if it is half past three in the morning - I am only a text away. Yet these past few days, weeks maybe even months - I haven't been following this - I have been selfish and put myself first. This now feels awful, I don't like putting myself first and I have learnt from my mistakes. And I only hope that you can forgive me.
Like you I have written many many many posts, but half way through I stopped and thought that it wasn't right, something was missing, this had to be right - this had to contain everything that I wanted to say. Im so sorry, sorrier than I think I have ever been before, and please understand this was not your fault. It was purely and solely mine. I am Sorry <3
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Inspiration
To write this blog, this post - I need inspiration, I find it from the most strangest places - shops, the street, youtube videos, my bedroom floor where a magazine is casually sprawled across my floor, anything really something that means something to me. Important things in life that maybe just don't get enough recognition. Things that have happened to me. Things that have happened to others.
Recently I have found is extremely difficult to find something to write about - crazily searching my empty mind to find something interesting - something worth reading. I am often very concious about the fact that many of my posts are long and incredibly boring.
I write a lot about myself, because that is the easiest thing to write about, I relate to the posts as I read them back, casually editing the bits in which I have written which are just that little bit personal, that bit over the top, and do not need to be posted on the internet.
Today, I was tired - after a very long previous night and a very early morning, I spent most of the day trying to keep my eyes open, concentrating on conversations so as not to loose track of everything. Tiredness comes with downs though - all day I was in a major grump. Looking back this was so immature - something that reminded me so badly of the days when I was a child, a young child. Especially the days spent on the beach. Long days, lots of walking, playing, no sleep because you didn't want to miss anything, a casual stroll to the hotel for dinner and then you would go out for the evening - I didn't really do much to be tired - other than have a late night. It shows how much times change. Times change and so do people.
This year, more prominently I have noticed people changing, maturing, acting differently and becoming different people. Some are still my friends others have moved on. Even I have changed, in many ways. I notice these changes every day. Some changes for the good, other changes not so good.
People change - and instead of fighting it - the thing to do is accept it and walk the path in which is shown to you. Live each day as it comes, do not plan to far ahead.
"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come.
But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up!"
To the one person reading this, you know who you are - read that quote, re read it and sleep on it. I love you <3
Recently I have found is extremely difficult to find something to write about - crazily searching my empty mind to find something interesting - something worth reading. I am often very concious about the fact that many of my posts are long and incredibly boring.
I write a lot about myself, because that is the easiest thing to write about, I relate to the posts as I read them back, casually editing the bits in which I have written which are just that little bit personal, that bit over the top, and do not need to be posted on the internet.
Today, I was tired - after a very long previous night and a very early morning, I spent most of the day trying to keep my eyes open, concentrating on conversations so as not to loose track of everything. Tiredness comes with downs though - all day I was in a major grump. Looking back this was so immature - something that reminded me so badly of the days when I was a child, a young child. Especially the days spent on the beach. Long days, lots of walking, playing, no sleep because you didn't want to miss anything, a casual stroll to the hotel for dinner and then you would go out for the evening - I didn't really do much to be tired - other than have a late night. It shows how much times change. Times change and so do people.
This year, more prominently I have noticed people changing, maturing, acting differently and becoming different people. Some are still my friends others have moved on. Even I have changed, in many ways. I notice these changes every day. Some changes for the good, other changes not so good.
People change - and instead of fighting it - the thing to do is accept it and walk the path in which is shown to you. Live each day as it comes, do not plan to far ahead.
"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come.
But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up!"
To the one person reading this, you know who you are - read that quote, re read it and sleep on it. I love you <3
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Just a girl
Im just one person, one small person in this place known at this moment in time as Earth, but I am sure in the future - or the past the name will or has been different.
I am just one person - I cant change a lot, I cant perform miracles, but the things that I am able to do, are important to me. The small changes I make help to make bigger changes in the future.
They say that the beating of a butterflies wings can create a storm a world away.
Something so small can create something big. In this case it is in a negative outlook. Once considered to be a "grown up" I know I certainly saw the world and life in a very different way. Being a child meant protection from the nastiest things in life, and not fully understanding the full story. Yet at 16 I think the majority of stories that come on the news holding the most gruesome outcomes I understand.
Yesterday whilst browsing some videos I found one of a news clip about a father who surprised his son at school. I saw the title of the video - and I thought how peculiar why would he just go to the school to surprise his son, whom he saw just that morning, or tucked into bed that previous night. It wasn't until I saw this clip with the man walking in the door that I truly understood the concept. This man, the father of this 6 year old boy, walked into the classroom wearing his ACU (advanced combat uniform). On seeing this uniform I immediately understood the story. This man, had been fighting for his country, given up precious time with his son, his wife and other family members to risk his own life serving for his country.
Watching this video - shocked the living day lights out of me. I sat there in the darkness of my living room, just the laptop as the source of light, no one else home. Crying, I'm not sure why I cried if I am being perfectly honest. Maybe it was because this boy saw his dad, this 6 year old little boy sprang from his seat ran across the room and leaped into his fathers welcoming arms crying "Daddy you're home", maybe it was the fact that I had never even given these thoughts consideration in the past - of course I knew that there were soldiers risking their lives for their countries, and of course I knew the family at home, but I have never before imagined the childrens reactions to when their father, or mother comes home. Or maybe it was the fact that I realised that everday I see my dad, everday I get to say good morning, or good night, kiss and hug him when I want, talk to him when I need, ask him for advice, - face to face. Not over a letter. My dad was stood watching me get out of my limo when I left school, he saw me take my first steps, speak my first words, picked me up when I fell. Maybe I realised that for the past 16 years I have been taken advantage of the fact that my dad, has just been there, when I needed him.
I am just one person - I cant change a lot, I cant perform miracles, but the things that I am able to do, are important to me. The small changes I make help to make bigger changes in the future.
They say that the beating of a butterflies wings can create a storm a world away.
Something so small can create something big. In this case it is in a negative outlook. Once considered to be a "grown up" I know I certainly saw the world and life in a very different way. Being a child meant protection from the nastiest things in life, and not fully understanding the full story. Yet at 16 I think the majority of stories that come on the news holding the most gruesome outcomes I understand.
Yesterday whilst browsing some videos I found one of a news clip about a father who surprised his son at school. I saw the title of the video - and I thought how peculiar why would he just go to the school to surprise his son, whom he saw just that morning, or tucked into bed that previous night. It wasn't until I saw this clip with the man walking in the door that I truly understood the concept. This man, the father of this 6 year old boy, walked into the classroom wearing his ACU (advanced combat uniform). On seeing this uniform I immediately understood the story. This man, had been fighting for his country, given up precious time with his son, his wife and other family members to risk his own life serving for his country.
Watching this video - shocked the living day lights out of me. I sat there in the darkness of my living room, just the laptop as the source of light, no one else home. Crying, I'm not sure why I cried if I am being perfectly honest. Maybe it was because this boy saw his dad, this 6 year old little boy sprang from his seat ran across the room and leaped into his fathers welcoming arms crying "Daddy you're home", maybe it was the fact that I had never even given these thoughts consideration in the past - of course I knew that there were soldiers risking their lives for their countries, and of course I knew the family at home, but I have never before imagined the childrens reactions to when their father, or mother comes home. Or maybe it was the fact that I realised that everday I see my dad, everday I get to say good morning, or good night, kiss and hug him when I want, talk to him when I need, ask him for advice, - face to face. Not over a letter. My dad was stood watching me get out of my limo when I left school, he saw me take my first steps, speak my first words, picked me up when I fell. Maybe I realised that for the past 16 years I have been taken advantage of the fact that my dad, has just been there, when I needed him.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Luke
I know you occasionally read this - by your subtle hints about the appalling poetry. I have done one for Dan, and I thought that I should do one for my Luke.
I have known for what seems like forever - and you are one of the greatest friends I have. I am proud to call you a friend. You are so intelligent and intellectual. I love our late night conversations and the fact that usually you are the only person that bothers talking to me and carry on talking. I love how we never run out of things to say. And I love how you always know the answer. But the things I love the most are your acceptance of me as I am, the way you just know what to do, and your opinions.
Its only short, and I know its not much. But really you mean the world to me. Thank you Lukey Boy :)
I have known for what seems like forever - and you are one of the greatest friends I have. I am proud to call you a friend. You are so intelligent and intellectual. I love our late night conversations and the fact that usually you are the only person that bothers talking to me and carry on talking. I love how we never run out of things to say. And I love how you always know the answer. But the things I love the most are your acceptance of me as I am, the way you just know what to do, and your opinions.
Its only short, and I know its not much. But really you mean the world to me. Thank you Lukey Boy :)
I dont know what to write
I have loads of things that I want to say, I need to say and that I crave to say - but finding the words isnt all that easy, and having the trust - is three times harder.
I dont trust anyone as much as prehaps I would - there is not one person on this earth at this very precise second that I could tell anyone knowing that it would go no further.
There are people, older people, people whom I idolise in which I would love to tell - but the chances of them having to take it further is huge. And I absolutely refuse to put myself in this situation again.
Im not ungrateful for what happened - but I wish it could've been different. I wish it was me that spoke the words, not you.
The words I long to say, wish to say, to certain people - the script I have planned in my head. I know what I wanna say - I just dont know how. For some this may seem ridiculous "what does she mean - she can speak cant she?" Yes I can speak, but what I mean is I do not know how to form the sentences - put the right words together to make it sound okay, make it sound less serious than it actually is. Some people know, some dont. I would prefer it if nobody knew, thats just the way I work - I would prefer to be someone people didnt think of me in prehaps the way the do and see me in the way they do. If anything I would like to go back - to being the girl I was in September to everyone but myself - life would be so much simpler :)
I dont trust anyone as much as prehaps I would - there is not one person on this earth at this very precise second that I could tell anyone knowing that it would go no further.
There are people, older people, people whom I idolise in which I would love to tell - but the chances of them having to take it further is huge. And I absolutely refuse to put myself in this situation again.
Im not ungrateful for what happened - but I wish it could've been different. I wish it was me that spoke the words, not you.
The words I long to say, wish to say, to certain people - the script I have planned in my head. I know what I wanna say - I just dont know how. For some this may seem ridiculous "what does she mean - she can speak cant she?" Yes I can speak, but what I mean is I do not know how to form the sentences - put the right words together to make it sound okay, make it sound less serious than it actually is. Some people know, some dont. I would prefer it if nobody knew, thats just the way I work - I would prefer to be someone people didnt think of me in prehaps the way the do and see me in the way they do. If anything I would like to go back - to being the girl I was in September to everyone but myself - life would be so much simpler :)
Monday, 11 July 2011
Why I shouldnt be allowed to write poetry
A silent tear rolls down your face
She has gone to a better place
The clouds above hold her fears
While the ground below catches your tears
A cuddle, a cry, a scream of pain
Behind their eyes a hint of shame
The memories running back on replay
Wishing you could turn back a day
Make it all different
Even if just for day
Say what you wanted to say
Tell her you love her
This is just one of the many pieces of poetry I have written - its not great, but its personal to myself and it makes you reconsider alot of things, well it does for me anyway.
She has gone to a better place
The clouds above hold her fears
While the ground below catches your tears
A cuddle, a cry, a scream of pain
Behind their eyes a hint of shame
The memories running back on replay
Wishing you could turn back a day
Make it all different
Even if just for day
Say what you wanted to say
Tell her you love her
This is just one of the many pieces of poetry I have written - its not great, but its personal to myself and it makes you reconsider alot of things, well it does for me anyway.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
You are beautiful
Teenagers, especially girls are always putting themselves down, saying they are not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, too spotty, their hair is too greasy. The list goes on. Whilst writing this - one person is in mind.
You are beautiful, perfect and gorgeous. Even though sometimes you dont think you are - to me you are perfect. Maybe my opinion is a little biased - but that shouldnt matter, no bodies opinions of yourself should matter, those that put you down are just jealous and insecure.
Keep smiling beautiful...
I love you - with every single millimetre of my cold cold heart
You are beautiful, perfect and gorgeous. Even though sometimes you dont think you are - to me you are perfect. Maybe my opinion is a little biased - but that shouldnt matter, no bodies opinions of yourself should matter, those that put you down are just jealous and insecure.
Keep smiling beautiful...
I love you - with every single millimetre of my cold cold heart
Friday, 8 July 2011
"When life throws you lemons - Make lemonade"
Make good of every bad situation. Right now all I want to do is run into someone's arms and stay there for a while. Someone to stitch and sew me back together. Make it all okay.
It has been the busiest week ever - and now I am severely paying for it. Tomorrow its a half six start for me - work of course. I dislike it intensely however it is money and being a shop-a-holic, I like money, clothes, shoes, make-up and the other luxuries that come with working.
"Grit your teeth and bare it"
Sometimes, you just have to accept how things are! My mum just recently moved works and I found this thing in which I had hand written for her:
"Everything happens for a reason
People change so that we can learn to let go
Things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they are right
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself
And sometimes good things can fall apart so better things can fall together"
Everything happens for a reason- oh that is so true, sometimes, probably more times than not the reason is unknown - but whatever the situation is - there is always, always a reason
Things go wrong, so we can appreciate them when they are right - I don't follow this - I take day to day life for granted and when one tiny thing falls out of place then its all tears, moaning and worry. I wish there is a part of me that could learn to follow this - and maybe one day I just will, maybe its something that comes with age, intelligence - or just time.
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself - Trust, is such a complicated thing. So confusing in its own special ways - is there someone I trust with everything? - No, never, people know snippets, little bits and pieces - but never the whole story, there is always something missing - the smallest bit, or the most important bit.
Time, Time is a funny thing, over time you can learn to do so much, so many different things, with such extent it bewilders me. Time heals all, nearly, as my mumma says. The concept that Time is never ending confuses the heck out of me.
It has been the busiest week ever - and now I am severely paying for it. Tomorrow its a half six start for me - work of course. I dislike it intensely however it is money and being a shop-a-holic, I like money, clothes, shoes, make-up and the other luxuries that come with working.
"Grit your teeth and bare it"
Sometimes, you just have to accept how things are! My mum just recently moved works and I found this thing in which I had hand written for her:
"Everything happens for a reason
People change so that we can learn to let go
Things go wrong so we can appreciate them when they are right
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself
And sometimes good things can fall apart so better things can fall together"
Everything happens for a reason- oh that is so true, sometimes, probably more times than not the reason is unknown - but whatever the situation is - there is always, always a reason
Things go wrong, so we can appreciate them when they are right - I don't follow this - I take day to day life for granted and when one tiny thing falls out of place then its all tears, moaning and worry. I wish there is a part of me that could learn to follow this - and maybe one day I just will, maybe its something that comes with age, intelligence - or just time.
You believe lies so you eventually learn that you cant trust anyone but yourself - Trust, is such a complicated thing. So confusing in its own special ways - is there someone I trust with everything? - No, never, people know snippets, little bits and pieces - but never the whole story, there is always something missing - the smallest bit, or the most important bit.
Time, Time is a funny thing, over time you can learn to do so much, so many different things, with such extent it bewilders me. Time heals all, nearly, as my mumma says. The concept that Time is never ending confuses the heck out of me.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
"Dont get so close to change my mind"
The first thing on my mind is that I wish I could write titles in italics.
The second is my love for music.
And the third, the third are just empty thoughts, meaningless to anyone but myself.
In life there are many things in which I just simply adore - one of these being imagination. A good imagination will get you far. Being able to create the most wonderful, thought out situations in the space of seconds, minutes, or even hours is a truly amazing. I am absolutely sure that everyone does it - how ever I have never really had the guts to ask any one - I don't want my friends to think im eccentric, or laugh at me. Call me self concious - tell me they are my friends, tell me they wont laugh. Maybe, but that is my biggest fear.
Everyone has fears, worry, the majority of the time they are secret, hidden from the rest of the world. Personal to each individual, different across the board, and changing all the time. As situations occur, peoples fears change, worries get worse or sometimes get better.
The second is my love for music.
And the third, the third are just empty thoughts, meaningless to anyone but myself.
In life there are many things in which I just simply adore - one of these being imagination. A good imagination will get you far. Being able to create the most wonderful, thought out situations in the space of seconds, minutes, or even hours is a truly amazing. I am absolutely sure that everyone does it - how ever I have never really had the guts to ask any one - I don't want my friends to think im eccentric, or laugh at me. Call me self concious - tell me they are my friends, tell me they wont laugh. Maybe, but that is my biggest fear.
Everyone has fears, worry, the majority of the time they are secret, hidden from the rest of the world. Personal to each individual, different across the board, and changing all the time. As situations occur, peoples fears change, worries get worse or sometimes get better.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Worry
In my small little life I have heard many words a gazillions times: "you worry too much" So many different people have told this to me, in so many different ways, at so many different times.
The truth is I don't worry too much, I worry enough for me to feel content that my friends are okay, my family are fine and others are okay too.
Worrying is a natural action for anyone who has a heart, and considering that everyone has to have a heart to survive. I worry about individuals for different reasons - and it is not something I like to share with people. It is my personal concerns in which I will find ways to deal with in my own time.
As many a time before I have said my friends are important so so important to me, and if something is not right for them, then its not right for me either. I dont get myself down about it - that would be silly, taking the world on my shoulders is no longer an option - but trying to help them out, give them advice, see it from the outside looking in - that is my role. The mother, as they sometimes call me.
And if I am being perfectly honest - I love it every time the do
The truth is I don't worry too much, I worry enough for me to feel content that my friends are okay, my family are fine and others are okay too.
Worrying is a natural action for anyone who has a heart, and considering that everyone has to have a heart to survive. I worry about individuals for different reasons - and it is not something I like to share with people. It is my personal concerns in which I will find ways to deal with in my own time.
As many a time before I have said my friends are important so so important to me, and if something is not right for them, then its not right for me either. I dont get myself down about it - that would be silly, taking the world on my shoulders is no longer an option - but trying to help them out, give them advice, see it from the outside looking in - that is my role. The mother, as they sometimes call me.
And if I am being perfectly honest - I love it every time the do
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
There is one person
There are many people in which I owe a thousand thanks too - yet there is one person, who is going to remain nameless for various reason, one person who I always feel I have never thanked enough. They have no idea how much they saved me from a dark place, pulled me through and got me smiling - more than once.
As I write this, rereading each sentences - many memories flood my mind, dancing round the edges, jumping in the middle some more prominent than others.
So many words I long to say, yet I am restrained by the rule book. Metaphorically speaking I am bound by ties, and the sheer un-want of others finding out. Its like a game of Chinese whispers, once one person finds out they have to tell the next and then the next and the next - welcome to my mind, this is the way in which I think!
To this one particular person - who may or may not read this, I am not sure - thank you. For all the things, everything really. I couldn't specifically say anything because there have been so many things, so many times I have cried on your shoulder, sobbed in your arms, talked things through, stropped, stressed, strained, shouted, whisper, stamp, made sense of things, asked for advice - see the list go on.
I dont think you will ever be aware of how thankful I am, I am a lucky girl to have such amazing people included in my life and without them day to day life would be a struggle - but knowing that at the end of the day - someone is always going to be there, asking if I am okay, checking to make sure I have not fallen off the wagon - returned to the shadow of my past. Someone who is always going to be disappointed if i do. Makes me rethink my actions - seeing your picture sat in a cute tatty teddy frame which stands on my window sill - or the one pinned to my canvas of the three of us. Knowing that in a way you are watching my every move, every action, and every consequence. Knowing that if the action was made it would not only disappoint.
That Friday, if you are reading this, I think you'll know which Friday I mean, the one where I sat by the piano it was the end of the day, I was tired. The hurt in your eyes, made me realise that things had to change!
I don't like hurting people - seeing them upset, it makes me worry more than I already do and trust me I worry so much about each and every single person who has ever effected my life in more ways that one. Even if it does seem strange and peculiar. That is just me.
So if you are reading this. Please know that I do adore you, and I am thankful even if at times it seems like I am just a grumpy moody little bumbag!! I could not have asked for a nicer, kinder person to walk into my life at the time when I needed it most- Thank you
<3
As I write this, rereading each sentences - many memories flood my mind, dancing round the edges, jumping in the middle some more prominent than others.
So many words I long to say, yet I am restrained by the rule book. Metaphorically speaking I am bound by ties, and the sheer un-want of others finding out. Its like a game of Chinese whispers, once one person finds out they have to tell the next and then the next and the next - welcome to my mind, this is the way in which I think!
To this one particular person - who may or may not read this, I am not sure - thank you. For all the things, everything really. I couldn't specifically say anything because there have been so many things, so many times I have cried on your shoulder, sobbed in your arms, talked things through, stropped, stressed, strained, shouted, whisper, stamp, made sense of things, asked for advice - see the list go on.
I dont think you will ever be aware of how thankful I am, I am a lucky girl to have such amazing people included in my life and without them day to day life would be a struggle - but knowing that at the end of the day - someone is always going to be there, asking if I am okay, checking to make sure I have not fallen off the wagon - returned to the shadow of my past. Someone who is always going to be disappointed if i do. Makes me rethink my actions - seeing your picture sat in a cute tatty teddy frame which stands on my window sill - or the one pinned to my canvas of the three of us. Knowing that in a way you are watching my every move, every action, and every consequence. Knowing that if the action was made it would not only disappoint.
That Friday, if you are reading this, I think you'll know which Friday I mean, the one where I sat by the piano it was the end of the day, I was tired. The hurt in your eyes, made me realise that things had to change!
I don't like hurting people - seeing them upset, it makes me worry more than I already do and trust me I worry so much about each and every single person who has ever effected my life in more ways that one. Even if it does seem strange and peculiar. That is just me.
So if you are reading this. Please know that I do adore you, and I am thankful even if at times it seems like I am just a grumpy moody little bumbag!! I could not have asked for a nicer, kinder person to walk into my life at the time when I needed it most- Thank you
<3
Monday, 4 July 2011
My Charlie
Charlotte Rebecca Buckley
You are my angel, you walked in when it felt like the rest of the world was walking out - you have been such a fantastic friend and it is your birthday today - and you said you did not want a present so instead you have this email - I hope you print it off and save it for bad times when all you need to do is smile. Happy birthday my darling, 16 at long last, you can buy a lottery ticket - woop tee doo!
Its not been an easy year, for any one but especially you. Your courage has carried you through, I know it hasnt been easy - and I hope that I was the best friend I could have been, when times were tough - I hope you realised that I was always going to be there, even if no one else was. And I hope to this day - that you know that! I also hope you know how special you are to me, and how much I adore you.
This is so hard to write because you are not the soppy sickly kind of person - and I can just imagine you sat there reading this chuckling away at my soppiness - but I am your very soppy Soph!
This is so hard to write because you are not the soppy sickly kind of person - and I can just imagine you sat there reading this chuckling away at my soppiness - but I am your very soppy Soph!
You have been such a kind person to me, you know me and pretty much everything that goes with me, and with everything all the baggage and shit that comes with me you still accepted me as a friend! You are there for me when I need it - and I hope you know that im there too! You make me smile, when all I want to do is cry. You give me the best hugs and the most apt advice. Usually it sounds a bit like "pull yourself together girl" but that means more than anything. Actions speak louder than words, and its the little things you do that make me smile the most. Your hugs are worth a thousand words, but your smile, your smile is worth so much more. Seeing you smiling makes me so happy!
So Charlotte, now you are 16 go crazy, celebrate and a little birdy told me you were getting your ear pierced - one day I will present you with the perfect gift for your 16th it may be late, and right now I have no idea what it will be, but when I see it - I will know and it will be perfect.
I hope this little message, makes you happy on your birthday and reminds you how much you are loved - if only by me ;)
Keep smiling beautiful -
Im always two steps behind - never forget that
I love you soo much
A massive birthday squeeze
All my love,
Forever and always
Your Soph
I'll be there
The Jackson Five - I'll be there such a lovely song - an amazing one at that.
Im writing this with one person in mind - as she reads this she will know that it is for her. She is my baby, and I love her to pieces. I have not known her all that long - but the short time she has been in my life she has helped me through so much - more than she will know for a long time. Now it is my turn to help her, in a way I know she will be okay without my help - but as the mother of the group, it is my duty to make sure that she is okay, happy and feeling love and content with her life.
This girl, whom I am writing about - is going through a difficult situation right now, and I think that she is the bravest person I know. She is what I would consider a best friend she is there when I need her and when anyone else needs her. She is so full of love and hugs.
I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. But she should, she should have more confidence within herself and believe more in herself. She is a lovely person, a true gem. And sometimes she should stop worrying about others and worry about herself. She should let other people worry about her, and care for her. She is the most wonderful person for her - and if there is one thing she should know - it would be I'll be there always
Im writing this with one person in mind - as she reads this she will know that it is for her. She is my baby, and I love her to pieces. I have not known her all that long - but the short time she has been in my life she has helped me through so much - more than she will know for a long time. Now it is my turn to help her, in a way I know she will be okay without my help - but as the mother of the group, it is my duty to make sure that she is okay, happy and feeling love and content with her life.
This girl, whom I am writing about - is going through a difficult situation right now, and I think that she is the bravest person I know. She is what I would consider a best friend she is there when I need her and when anyone else needs her. She is so full of love and hugs.
I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. But she should, she should have more confidence within herself and believe more in herself. She is a lovely person, a true gem. And sometimes she should stop worrying about others and worry about herself. She should let other people worry about her, and care for her. She is the most wonderful person for her - and if there is one thing she should know - it would be I'll be there always
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Im Sorry
Im sorry for the tears
Im sorry for the talks
Im sorry for the lies
Im sorry for the hurt
Im sorry for the pain
Im sorry for the screams
Im sorry for the shouts
Im sorry for the mess
Im sorry for not telling you
Im sorry for hiding away
Im sorry for secrets
Im sorry that im your friend
Im sorry I ruined everything for you
Im sorry I made a mess
Im sorry I said the wrong thing
Im sorry I threw it all back
Im sorry for the late nights
Im sorry for the worry
Im sorry for asking if youre okay
Im sorry for caring too much
Im sorry for worrying about you
Im sorry for trying to be a good person
Im sorry okay just Sorry
Im sorry for what I have done
and Im sorry for what Im about to do
Im sorry for the talks
Im sorry for the lies
Im sorry for the hurt
Im sorry for the pain
Im sorry for the screams
Im sorry for the shouts
Im sorry for the mess
Im sorry for not telling you
Im sorry for hiding away
Im sorry for secrets
Im sorry that im your friend
Im sorry I ruined everything for you
Im sorry I made a mess
Im sorry I said the wrong thing
Im sorry I threw it all back
Im sorry for the late nights
Im sorry for the worry
Im sorry for asking if youre okay
Im sorry for caring too much
Im sorry for worrying about you
Im sorry for trying to be a good person
Im sorry okay just Sorry
Im sorry for what I have done
and Im sorry for what Im about to do
It's all in my mind
Everything I think, everything I dream, everything I say, all in all, just generally everything - it's all in my mind.
Whilst these are in fact some of my favourite lyrics to a song - they speak the truth. Everything is all in my mind.
Before going to sleep each night, I think - lots and lots. About things I have said, things that have been said to me, things in which I am going to say and things in which I intend to do. Everything in my life has a plan and a structure - more often than not it does not follow this structure - but this does not matter, it is spontaneous and sometimes spontaneity is great.
I have regrets, and before bed each night - religiously I go over these regrets - making myself cringe and leaving myself desperate to forget. Forgetting is not an option for me. Every bad memory runs clear and straight in my mind. And believe me I have tried to forget all the bad things, all the hurt, all the pain, all the tears and all the strain - but it seemed impossible. I now live off my good memories - for they are important.
But returning to my main point. Before bed I recite the regrets, the things I wish I had of said, things I wish I had done, actions that I wish I had taken but most importantly the chances I had to tell someone about what happened - and I didn't because I was just too scared, and if I am being perfectly honest I still am. I opened my heart out to someone and it felt horrendous - it did not help, if anything made it worse. It felt like they had entered my private locked away world.
But this is getting far to personal and sad, I am very tired therefore that is The End
Whilst these are in fact some of my favourite lyrics to a song - they speak the truth. Everything is all in my mind.
Before going to sleep each night, I think - lots and lots. About things I have said, things that have been said to me, things in which I am going to say and things in which I intend to do. Everything in my life has a plan and a structure - more often than not it does not follow this structure - but this does not matter, it is spontaneous and sometimes spontaneity is great.
I have regrets, and before bed each night - religiously I go over these regrets - making myself cringe and leaving myself desperate to forget. Forgetting is not an option for me. Every bad memory runs clear and straight in my mind. And believe me I have tried to forget all the bad things, all the hurt, all the pain, all the tears and all the strain - but it seemed impossible. I now live off my good memories - for they are important.
But returning to my main point. Before bed I recite the regrets, the things I wish I had of said, things I wish I had done, actions that I wish I had taken but most importantly the chances I had to tell someone about what happened - and I didn't because I was just too scared, and if I am being perfectly honest I still am. I opened my heart out to someone and it felt horrendous - it did not help, if anything made it worse. It felt like they had entered my private locked away world.
But this is getting far to personal and sad, I am very tired therefore that is The End
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Quickly running out of time
This past week - I have been so busy that I have not had time to think let alone blog. But now on this cosy Saturday afternoon - it appears I now have enough motive and time to post something.
Prom
So it was prom on Thursday evening. Although a fantastic evening it was very emotional. The beginning consisted of many photographs. I felt like everywhere I turned there was another camera pointing towards me. Through the night, I chatted, photographed, sung and danced with many people. It was such a special night - one in which will be treasured with me for ever.
It was such a special evening - yet there was a significant part of the evening which mattered the most to me, and this was the end. Not the very end - but nearing the end. As the music was drawing to a close the majority of people stood inside dancing, singing - yet three people remained outside sat on a bench just "chatting". Myself, Adam and my very first form tutor. We spent ages and ages talking about the old times, good times and funny times. This made me smile so much.
Prom
So it was prom on Thursday evening. Although a fantastic evening it was very emotional. The beginning consisted of many photographs. I felt like everywhere I turned there was another camera pointing towards me. Through the night, I chatted, photographed, sung and danced with many people. It was such a special night - one in which will be treasured with me for ever.
It was such a special evening - yet there was a significant part of the evening which mattered the most to me, and this was the end. Not the very end - but nearing the end. As the music was drawing to a close the majority of people stood inside dancing, singing - yet three people remained outside sat on a bench just "chatting". Myself, Adam and my very first form tutor. We spent ages and ages talking about the old times, good times and funny times. This made me smile so much.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Today I Laughed
Random I know but so significant to me, and possibly my friends. I laughed so much today over some of the silliest things. Simple things that to other people would make absolutely no sense.
Today I realised many things - I tend to each day I learn a little bit more about someone, realise something else and come to conclusions.
Laughing is so good for everyone - scientists suggest that it is good exercise. A day without laugh is a day wasted
So true, today I laughed more than I had in a long time - and it felt so good . I felt care free and worry free.
Today I realised many things - I tend to each day I learn a little bit more about someone, realise something else and come to conclusions.
Laughing is so good for everyone - scientists suggest that it is good exercise. A day without laugh is a day wasted
So true, today I laughed more than I had in a long time - and it felt so good . I felt care free and worry free.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Tears are annoying little balls of salty water that fall at the most inappropriate times. Happy tears, sad tears, confused tears, angry tears. So many different types of tears. With tears come all sorts of other issues - runny noses, sore eyes, run mascara.It seems such a waste - crying. Lots of people dont cry all that much, yet there are people that can cry at the smallest of things, crying is a good way to let out emotion.
If there is one thing I have never truly understood it is - why do people cry at weddings. Surely they are such happy events that tears shouldn't even be considered. Last year at my cousins wedding - it came clear to me that actually people cry at weddings because they are happy, not sad.
Tears, such good way to show so many emotions. I can think of so many emotions- and link them all into to tears, whether it is young or old ages in which they are related to - they still are there. Jealousy - as a child, many people will remember, crying because your best friend got new roller blades and you didn't and silly little childish things. Anger - especially as a teenager, I have really associated many things with anger, I become angered easily - I used to get rid of this anger in such a horrid way in which now a days I would not even consider - now left is crying away the anger. Sadness - everyone crys because they are sad at one point in their life or another, its a natural thing to cry when you are sad. The list goes on and on.
I have cried so many times, in front of so many different people - some I knew well, others I did not. Every time, I had to explain myself, why I was crying, what happened that was so bad that it made me cry. What people never understood is that sometimes there was no reason for my tears - and that I had just bottled up so much, I had to let it out. Someone had left the bowl under the tap and the bowl was beginning to overflow this is how it was explained to me once. At the time it made so much sense.
Songs make me cry, whether its the lyrics or the tune. The sweetest of each can bring pools to my eyes. Sometimes they bring back memories - some that make me happy, others that scar me, some which haunt me like a shadow.
If there is one thing I have never truly understood it is - why do people cry at weddings. Surely they are such happy events that tears shouldn't even be considered. Last year at my cousins wedding - it came clear to me that actually people cry at weddings because they are happy, not sad.
Tears, such good way to show so many emotions. I can think of so many emotions- and link them all into to tears, whether it is young or old ages in which they are related to - they still are there. Jealousy - as a child, many people will remember, crying because your best friend got new roller blades and you didn't and silly little childish things. Anger - especially as a teenager, I have really associated many things with anger, I become angered easily - I used to get rid of this anger in such a horrid way in which now a days I would not even consider - now left is crying away the anger. Sadness - everyone crys because they are sad at one point in their life or another, its a natural thing to cry when you are sad. The list goes on and on.
I have cried so many times, in front of so many different people - some I knew well, others I did not. Every time, I had to explain myself, why I was crying, what happened that was so bad that it made me cry. What people never understood is that sometimes there was no reason for my tears - and that I had just bottled up so much, I had to let it out. Someone had left the bowl under the tap and the bowl was beginning to overflow this is how it was explained to me once. At the time it made so much sense.
Songs make me cry, whether its the lyrics or the tune. The sweetest of each can bring pools to my eyes. Sometimes they bring back memories - some that make me happy, others that scar me, some which haunt me like a shadow.
Dear you, again
Dear,
You would be able to sort this mess out, if you were here.
You would make sense of it all. Right now its so confusing.
You would make it all better.
You would tell me it was all going to be okay
You would tell me what to say
Somehow you would sort it out, but you aren't here to sort it - and I have to remember that. Your light, lit my path - showed me the way and directed me.
These words are not mine - yet so very important
"It calls me closer, its calls me near
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consumes me
My minds demons bursting to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
"Just be still, just be brave"
I slash down with an improvised knife
"Forget this world, forget my life"
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
A Calmness comes over me
My last attempt please, it's got to be
"Screw everyone, that's made me into this"
The very same people who I'm going to miss
Tears stream down my cheek,
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak
Darkness surrounds me, I get a glimpse of the abyss
I embrace the darkness, then hear a shriek...
Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound
I feel my body drifting
I hear scraping, something's stirring around
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting
I hear a scream, I hear a moan
I want my family, I'm all alone
I hear cry, I hear a sob
And realize it's my own
I know I have sinned, still I pray to god
"Please get me out of this hell"
I start to yell...
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind
No one to help me, no one for me to find
I've never felt so scared....
My soul finally screamed and despaired
"I give up..."
A light???
My consciousness returns
As it starts to get bright
I feel myself falling
A faint faraway voice, I hear someone calling
Brighter now, getting brighter still
I feel myself escaping from this hell
Has it been months or has it been years?
Since I was stuck in that prison,
Trapped with my fears
I open my eyes, and look around
I'm lying in a bed in a hospital gown
The worried looks on their faces makes me ashamed
Sitting and staring no one makes a sound
"Sorry" is all I say...
Mother starts crying, my farther is sad
Finding me like that, must have been bad...
I get a kiss and a cuddle,
A pat from my father,
My minds in a muddle
I still manage a small smile,
And close my eyes for a while,
I promise myself, from this day on and till I die
I'm going to be the best person I can
Or at least try
Like a old cliché
"Live everyday like it's the last"
Forget all the bad days, I'm leaving them in the past
The sun is shining, my dark clouds have vanished
My demons have gone, finally banished
Life is good, life is great,
Forget wallowing in self pity
I tell you, straight."
Source: Self Harm, Suicide Poems and Stories http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22087#ixzz1Qbkf2OFX
"Just once and it'll be over"
Death whispers in my ear
Irresistible is its sweet entice
Staring down, which one to slice,
I observe my previous tries
My unseen hurt and earlier cries
No peace in my mind, no peace in my head
The quiet intelligent me, long since fled
Anger and rage consumes me
My minds demons bursting to be free
The walls of my cage finally cave
"Just be still, just be brave"
I slash down with an improvised knife
"Forget this world, forget my life"
Blood oozes and drips down the drain
A slight tingle but no real pain
A Calmness comes over me
My last attempt please, it's got to be
"Screw everyone, that's made me into this"
The very same people who I'm going to miss
Tears stream down my cheek,
My head feels heavy, I get dizzy and legs go weak
Darkness surrounds me, I get a glimpse of the abyss
I embrace the darkness, then hear a shriek...
Then nothing.... Blankness, no sound
I feel my body drifting
I hear scraping, something's stirring around
Surrounding me, I can here creatures shifting
I hear a scream, I hear a moan
I want my family, I'm all alone
I hear cry, I hear a sob
And realize it's my own
I know I have sinned, still I pray to god
"Please get me out of this hell"
I start to yell...
No sound out my mouth, only in my mind
No one to help me, no one for me to find
I've never felt so scared....
My soul finally screamed and despaired
"I give up..."
A light???
My consciousness returns
As it starts to get bright
I feel myself falling
A faint faraway voice, I hear someone calling
Brighter now, getting brighter still
I feel myself escaping from this hell
Has it been months or has it been years?
Since I was stuck in that prison,
Trapped with my fears
I open my eyes, and look around
I'm lying in a bed in a hospital gown
The worried looks on their faces makes me ashamed
Sitting and staring no one makes a sound
"Sorry" is all I say...
Mother starts crying, my farther is sad
Finding me like that, must have been bad...
I get a kiss and a cuddle,
A pat from my father,
My minds in a muddle
I still manage a small smile,
And close my eyes for a while,
I promise myself, from this day on and till I die
I'm going to be the best person I can
Or at least try
Like a old cliché
"Live everyday like it's the last"
Forget all the bad days, I'm leaving them in the past
The sun is shining, my dark clouds have vanished
My demons have gone, finally banished
Life is good, life is great,
Forget wallowing in self pity
I tell you, straight."
Source: Self Harm, Suicide Poems and Stories http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/death/poetry.asp?poem=22087#ixzz1Qbkf2OFX
Growing up, looking back
When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up, be that little bit taller, have that extra respect and be mature. I look back at so many things and regret them, but when I look at the bigger picture - life is far too short to have regrets - you have to live for the moment, you cant live in the past - it will only bring you down.
I remember the funny things, the bad things, small insignificant things that I need not know, but the things in which I remember the most are the good times, and the times that hurt. I sometimes wish my mind had an erase and delete button - so that everything that has ever caused me pain, hurt, or any bad emotion can be erased forever.
Looking back at everything - I realise how embarrassing moments where, how I could have approached situations differently, and no matter how mature I may have felt at that time - I truly was not and just a child, a tiny child - who had no concept of the struggle, stress, strain, arguments and definitely not bitchiness or rudeness.
The things that at the time you thought were difficult are now merely just a bump in the pavement, looking back the problems were not problems at all. It seems silly how many friendships were lost because of the smallest thing. Now friendships are made of stronger stuff, and worse things break them.
Growing up is all not that great - you are hit with so many issues, problems all at once. It went from nothing to everything within about 6 weeks. I went from not understanding anything to being faced with a best friend suffering with what is to considered one of the worst psychiatric problems. For an 11 year old - that was a lot to cope and deal with.
I remember certain little things that I said - which at the time made me feel like such an innocent, carefree child. Now at 16 I look back and realise what a shit I have made of my life. Dependant on things that I would prefer to be forgotten, living a constant lie, deceiving my friends - when all they have been is good. Knowing how much they would be hurt if they knew the truth.
The truth is a funny thing, not everyone knows the truth about anyone. There is so much hidden, so much unsaid - I just wish I could tell someone without the fear of being judge, or it going any further. People know bits, little snippets, parts of the story, but no one knows it all.
And if there is one thing I miss the most about being a child, its not having to think about anything that could be serious. Not having to worry about what people think of you, what people say about you, how far people would go to protect you, how much it hurts. How someone eyes can tell a million lies - and knowing they are lying to you.
I remember the funny things, the bad things, small insignificant things that I need not know, but the things in which I remember the most are the good times, and the times that hurt. I sometimes wish my mind had an erase and delete button - so that everything that has ever caused me pain, hurt, or any bad emotion can be erased forever.
Looking back at everything - I realise how embarrassing moments where, how I could have approached situations differently, and no matter how mature I may have felt at that time - I truly was not and just a child, a tiny child - who had no concept of the struggle, stress, strain, arguments and definitely not bitchiness or rudeness.
The things that at the time you thought were difficult are now merely just a bump in the pavement, looking back the problems were not problems at all. It seems silly how many friendships were lost because of the smallest thing. Now friendships are made of stronger stuff, and worse things break them.
Growing up is all not that great - you are hit with so many issues, problems all at once. It went from nothing to everything within about 6 weeks. I went from not understanding anything to being faced with a best friend suffering with what is to considered one of the worst psychiatric problems. For an 11 year old - that was a lot to cope and deal with.
I remember certain little things that I said - which at the time made me feel like such an innocent, carefree child. Now at 16 I look back and realise what a shit I have made of my life. Dependant on things that I would prefer to be forgotten, living a constant lie, deceiving my friends - when all they have been is good. Knowing how much they would be hurt if they knew the truth.
The truth is a funny thing, not everyone knows the truth about anyone. There is so much hidden, so much unsaid - I just wish I could tell someone without the fear of being judge, or it going any further. People know bits, little snippets, parts of the story, but no one knows it all.
And if there is one thing I miss the most about being a child, its not having to think about anything that could be serious. Not having to worry about what people think of you, what people say about you, how far people would go to protect you, how much it hurts. How someone eyes can tell a million lies - and knowing they are lying to you.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Desperately Clinging
"And I told you to be patient and I told you to be kind"
Are the lyrics in which are echoing around my very empty - yet numb brain. They are also the lyrics that, when I am feeling spontaneous and loving I send to one of my besties - because she introduced me to this song. And since the introduction - I have fallen in love and listened to it over 200 times.
The song is not an overall happy one when you listen to the lyrics - but the tune is so sweet and its one of those songs that just warms your heart.
Today I had my last exam, I feel grown up and for a second - only a second, I felt like I was in the big wide world nothing then I remembered that I am sixteen and can run free but only for a while - my parents still had restrictions to some degree - but in a way this does not bother me. It gives me something to desperately cling on to - the little last bit of being a child.
Are the lyrics in which are echoing around my very empty - yet numb brain. They are also the lyrics that, when I am feeling spontaneous and loving I send to one of my besties - because she introduced me to this song. And since the introduction - I have fallen in love and listened to it over 200 times.
The song is not an overall happy one when you listen to the lyrics - but the tune is so sweet and its one of those songs that just warms your heart.
Today I had my last exam, I feel grown up and for a second - only a second, I felt like I was in the big wide world nothing then I remembered that I am sixteen and can run free but only for a while - my parents still had restrictions to some degree - but in a way this does not bother me. It gives me something to desperately cling on to - the little last bit of being a child.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
My Lol
My Lovely Lol,
To be honest - I feel really stupid when I write these things. People think I love writing them - I don't really they are all very soppy and sickly and tbh thats just not me.
I love you to absolute bits and pieces - and I never ever want to loose you. I love your family and treat them like my own too! I love the way we both make ourselves at home and we know each others passwords and just sit and chill and eat at each others house.
I have never had a friend quite like you.
No matter what my mood you always manage to cheer me up and make it all better. No matter how big the problem is you promise me you will sort it. No matter what it is you sew it back together and fix it again.
I have so many precious memories with you, most of them are the times you have dragged me kicking and screaming back to safety - if you get my gist.
When I am sat in my room - crying my eyes out, hugging myself, and drowning myself in tissues - you are the one I want and crave to come and cuddle me. You are the first person I run to when I am crying - Your shoulder is by far the best to cry on.
Without you Lauren, we both know where I would be, and that is quite a scary thought - you are the sole and life of my party - you make me smile so much even when you are throwing insults at me.
And I know sometimes - I laugh at you and make fun of you - but you know I am only joking. I love it when we have our pretend fights and just throw insults at each other constantly - I dont think any other friendship could withstand that ;)
Today was the first time we had had a proper catch up , a decent chance to talk - face to face- heart to heart. Today I remembered how much I did love you , and why we were friends - We just laugh at everything and anything. The smallest of things just make us crack up into fits.
Today was the nicest day ever - a 5 mile walk and then back to my house for a glass of peach snapps and then a walk to yours for about what seemed like a life time in the hot tub and then sat in the dark eating and watching the sun going down over the houses - it was beautiful just like you.
I have never taken the time to Thank-you properly - for everything you have done. You put up with so much crap with me, you took on all my baggage, all my shit and you bought me out the other side smiling. Supported me whole heartedly, throughout it all - for that I am eternally grateful! And I hope you know that I will always be there for you, no matter how big the problem is - we will always find the solution. Its me, your Soph, remember the saying Never fear for Sophie is here :)
I have so much to say but I am tired and need to be up in like 8 hours to meet you -
I love you Never ever forget how much I do
We always come out the other side smiling
We laugh, we cry, we make times fly
Best friends are we my sister and I
To be honest - I feel really stupid when I write these things. People think I love writing them - I don't really they are all very soppy and sickly and tbh thats just not me.
I love you to absolute bits and pieces - and I never ever want to loose you. I love your family and treat them like my own too! I love the way we both make ourselves at home and we know each others passwords and just sit and chill and eat at each others house.
I have never had a friend quite like you.
No matter what my mood you always manage to cheer me up and make it all better. No matter how big the problem is you promise me you will sort it. No matter what it is you sew it back together and fix it again.
I have so many precious memories with you, most of them are the times you have dragged me kicking and screaming back to safety - if you get my gist.
When I am sat in my room - crying my eyes out, hugging myself, and drowning myself in tissues - you are the one I want and crave to come and cuddle me. You are the first person I run to when I am crying - Your shoulder is by far the best to cry on.
Without you Lauren, we both know where I would be, and that is quite a scary thought - you are the sole and life of my party - you make me smile so much even when you are throwing insults at me.
And I know sometimes - I laugh at you and make fun of you - but you know I am only joking. I love it when we have our pretend fights and just throw insults at each other constantly - I dont think any other friendship could withstand that ;)
Today was the first time we had had a proper catch up , a decent chance to talk - face to face- heart to heart. Today I remembered how much I did love you , and why we were friends - We just laugh at everything and anything. The smallest of things just make us crack up into fits.
Today was the nicest day ever - a 5 mile walk and then back to my house for a glass of peach snapps and then a walk to yours for about what seemed like a life time in the hot tub and then sat in the dark eating and watching the sun going down over the houses - it was beautiful just like you.
I have never taken the time to Thank-you properly - for everything you have done. You put up with so much crap with me, you took on all my baggage, all my shit and you bought me out the other side smiling. Supported me whole heartedly, throughout it all - for that I am eternally grateful! And I hope you know that I will always be there for you, no matter how big the problem is - we will always find the solution. Its me, your Soph, remember the saying Never fear for Sophie is here :)
I have so much to say but I am tired and need to be up in like 8 hours to meet you -
I love you Never ever forget how much I do
We always come out the other side smiling
We laugh, we cry, we make times fly
Best friends are we my sister and I
Saturday, 25 June 2011
I wrote a song for you....
As the peaceful, calming music from Coldplay echos around my living room, it brings a smile to my face. Late night, dark night, summer night. Door open, lamp on, candle flickering, Glastonbury playing in the background.
This is a dream, to go to the Glastonbury Festival. Listen to my favourite music. Music is my life, it changes my mood - makes me happy and then again it can make me sad.
There isnt one day when I do not listen to music - wherever I am, my iPod is attached to my side. When walking I walk to the beat, singing away - often acquiring some strange looks and remarks - but if I am completely honest I do not care. I am in my own little world - and when I am there I am happy.
I express myself through music - playing the piano whilst singing helps relieve stress, anger and upset. The thought that such a simple thing can have such a dramatic effect on feelings is such a wonderful thought. Small and simple.
You truly can not understand the pure beauty of music, until you not only listen to the tune, the rhythm, the beat or the melody but the lyrics. Often the lyrics of a song can have so many different interpretations, yet the only person to know the true extent and meaning of the words is the writer themselves - like once I heard that Adeles - Chasing pavements was related to drugs: "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements" However googling the song there are many different interpretations in which people believe, thought up and decided. So many different meanings - such a complicated world.
Adele is truly my inspiration - I love her, I love her music, and I love her voice. Each night - it sends me to sleep with a smile on my face. Each song is different - each song has such depth and meaning it truly inspires me.
This is a dream, to go to the Glastonbury Festival. Listen to my favourite music. Music is my life, it changes my mood - makes me happy and then again it can make me sad.
There isnt one day when I do not listen to music - wherever I am, my iPod is attached to my side. When walking I walk to the beat, singing away - often acquiring some strange looks and remarks - but if I am completely honest I do not care. I am in my own little world - and when I am there I am happy.
I express myself through music - playing the piano whilst singing helps relieve stress, anger and upset. The thought that such a simple thing can have such a dramatic effect on feelings is such a wonderful thought. Small and simple.
You truly can not understand the pure beauty of music, until you not only listen to the tune, the rhythm, the beat or the melody but the lyrics. Often the lyrics of a song can have so many different interpretations, yet the only person to know the true extent and meaning of the words is the writer themselves - like once I heard that Adeles - Chasing pavements was related to drugs: "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements" However googling the song there are many different interpretations in which people believe, thought up and decided. So many different meanings - such a complicated world.
Adele is truly my inspiration - I love her, I love her music, and I love her voice. Each night - it sends me to sleep with a smile on my face. Each song is different - each song has such depth and meaning it truly inspires me.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Packing my uniform up
I have to wear my school uniform once more - on Monday - so putting aside a shirt, a skirt, a pair of tights, a jumper and my tights I empty my wardrobe of the rest of my uniform. A certain sadness strikes me - knowing that it is it. No more going back to being a little tiny child again crying when I fell and grazed my knees, and when I lost my teddy. When love, hurt and difficulties did not exist.
I have vivid memories of being a child, playing out in the street with all the other kids, when ever we played silly little games I would always be 16 - now at 16, I would do anything to just go back, just for one day to being small again. Being all grown up hasn't lived up to expectations. And to return to the times when nothing was an issue and the only thing that was bad was if you stayed up later than your bed time. I feel like I have spent my life wanting to grow up - do grown up things. I remember the days when smoking was a big nono but now its just normal. If there is such thing as normal, what is normal to one person - could be completely eccentric to the next.
I hold very few fond childhood memories, the good times didn't matter when you were a child because they were pretty much everyday as long as the ice cream man came round and you had your pound at the ready then it was a superb day. The bad days replay in my mind a lot - from a child, wishing that I had acted differently towards the people who caused them.
I remember how the smallest of things pleased me as a particularly young child - not like now a days - T.V programmes, the amazing technical improvements to dollies. I saw an advert the other day for a baby doll which spoke, done a wee, cried amongst many other things. When I was small - I was lucky if my baby blinked - and when it did - it usually was only with one eye. Yet these memories are the fondest. I once took my baby for a bath - Mum was so mad because she filled with water and she had to get my dad to take her apart to empty and dry her out. This memory makes me smile so much - so simply yet I thought it was the end of the world because my baby was in parts on the kitchen counter led on a towel.
Simple, yet significant. Memories are funny things, at times they can make you smile so much, and other times they can make you cry. Yet they are always present:
"Every man's memories is his own personal literature" Aldous Huxley
I have vivid memories of being a child, playing out in the street with all the other kids, when ever we played silly little games I would always be 16 - now at 16, I would do anything to just go back, just for one day to being small again. Being all grown up hasn't lived up to expectations. And to return to the times when nothing was an issue and the only thing that was bad was if you stayed up later than your bed time. I feel like I have spent my life wanting to grow up - do grown up things. I remember the days when smoking was a big nono but now its just normal. If there is such thing as normal, what is normal to one person - could be completely eccentric to the next.
I hold very few fond childhood memories, the good times didn't matter when you were a child because they were pretty much everyday as long as the ice cream man came round and you had your pound at the ready then it was a superb day. The bad days replay in my mind a lot - from a child, wishing that I had acted differently towards the people who caused them.
I remember how the smallest of things pleased me as a particularly young child - not like now a days - T.V programmes, the amazing technical improvements to dollies. I saw an advert the other day for a baby doll which spoke, done a wee, cried amongst many other things. When I was small - I was lucky if my baby blinked - and when it did - it usually was only with one eye. Yet these memories are the fondest. I once took my baby for a bath - Mum was so mad because she filled with water and she had to get my dad to take her apart to empty and dry her out. This memory makes me smile so much - so simply yet I thought it was the end of the world because my baby was in parts on the kitchen counter led on a towel.
Simple, yet significant. Memories are funny things, at times they can make you smile so much, and other times they can make you cry. Yet they are always present:
"Every man's memories is his own personal literature" Aldous Huxley
And as the end approaches
Im scared, a little worried and very nervous about what the future holds not just for me but the wonderful friends in which follow my footsteps. I love and cherish each memory I have with them especially those at school.
Its not really the end, everyone keeps syaing this to me, us. But as a group, not all of us are staying on - some are moving to other places. This is heartrenching and painful. I know we will still talk of course we will.
I had not accepted this until last night under extreme circumstances stood with 2 friends, saying its okay we can come down in another 3 months and just walk from school, then I realised we couldnt because one was in fact going to college - Its just the smallest things that catch me the most and stun me into utter amazement.
Like in my previous post - I have been inspired by the better, I know what I want to do, I have a dream and goal in which I will endeavour to achieve. This dream, ambition seems such a long walk away and such hard work - I know it will be, but im not afraid - no, in fact if there was any emotion I could relate to it - it would be excitement. The future of course - as scary as it is - is exciting. I have plans for everything, they will never be put inplace but they are just small dreams of how I wish it to be. The smallest of things can be so exciting like the colours of the bows to be placed on the back of the seats which will feature at my wedding - if I ever do indeed get married, or the names of the children I may, or may not have.
Everything, every small little thing which is to occur in my life has a plan - it does not always follow this plan but it has a plan. I was once told I was organised - but this person had not seen my bedroom - It is a mess. But thats because I am a teenager and it would be so insanely abnormal if it was neat and tidy. But no matter how much of a mess my room is - I can find and locate each and everything in which is placed in that room.
Its not really the end, everyone keeps syaing this to me, us. But as a group, not all of us are staying on - some are moving to other places. This is heartrenching and painful. I know we will still talk of course we will.
I had not accepted this until last night under extreme circumstances stood with 2 friends, saying its okay we can come down in another 3 months and just walk from school, then I realised we couldnt because one was in fact going to college - Its just the smallest things that catch me the most and stun me into utter amazement.
Like in my previous post - I have been inspired by the better, I know what I want to do, I have a dream and goal in which I will endeavour to achieve. This dream, ambition seems such a long walk away and such hard work - I know it will be, but im not afraid - no, in fact if there was any emotion I could relate to it - it would be excitement. The future of course - as scary as it is - is exciting. I have plans for everything, they will never be put inplace but they are just small dreams of how I wish it to be. The smallest of things can be so exciting like the colours of the bows to be placed on the back of the seats which will feature at my wedding - if I ever do indeed get married, or the names of the children I may, or may not have.
Everything, every small little thing which is to occur in my life has a plan - it does not always follow this plan but it has a plan. I was once told I was organised - but this person had not seen my bedroom - It is a mess. But thats because I am a teenager and it would be so insanely abnormal if it was neat and tidy. But no matter how much of a mess my room is - I can find and locate each and everything in which is placed in that room.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
This one is for you: To My Teachers
Tomorrow is my very last day of secondary school, I have of course an exam on Monday - but I will not be in school for another lesson after tomorrow. This theory is actually a rather scary one. So here is an ode to the amazing teachers who will never read this but as they say its the though that counts.
In the five years I have been at that school, I have been taught by the good, inspired by the better and learnt from the best.
Not only have they taught me the specification, they have taught me valuable life lessons, in which I put into practise each day. There are so many examples of these I could not possible begin to mention them all.
One not only taught me good French, good German she also took the time to persevere in making sure that my English was grammatically correct. Most teachers just ignored this fact that everyday I was speaking absolute nonsense but not this teachers :) And over the many years she took the time to teach me, our class learnt that she was a right laugh and enjoyed a jolly good joke. There have been many a time, on our last lesson, period 5 on a Friday we would find ourselves have a jolly good chat about all the funny things each and everyone got up to - it also helped that our class was a small one, only a class of nine.
Teachers are such wonderful people in that they really do put the effort into making lessons interesting and taking an interest into what you do, how you feel and what interests you as a person.
Another teacher, walked into a situation new to the school, didn't really know me as a person. However, she was made aware of something, she didnt ignore it of course she didnt its her job to make sure everyone is okay - but she went out of the way to change it, make it better and fix it.
I could write so much about each and every single teacher that has ever taught me, yet I do not have enough space on here, and im sure people would think it a little strange, freaky and peculiar - but those whom read my blog should know by now - That's just me
In the five years I have been at that school, I have been taught by the good, inspired by the better and learnt from the best.
Not only have they taught me the specification, they have taught me valuable life lessons, in which I put into practise each day. There are so many examples of these I could not possible begin to mention them all.
One not only taught me good French, good German she also took the time to persevere in making sure that my English was grammatically correct. Most teachers just ignored this fact that everyday I was speaking absolute nonsense but not this teachers :) And over the many years she took the time to teach me, our class learnt that she was a right laugh and enjoyed a jolly good joke. There have been many a time, on our last lesson, period 5 on a Friday we would find ourselves have a jolly good chat about all the funny things each and everyone got up to - it also helped that our class was a small one, only a class of nine.
Teachers are such wonderful people in that they really do put the effort into making lessons interesting and taking an interest into what you do, how you feel and what interests you as a person.
Another teacher, walked into a situation new to the school, didn't really know me as a person. However, she was made aware of something, she didnt ignore it of course she didnt its her job to make sure everyone is okay - but she went out of the way to change it, make it better and fix it.
I could write so much about each and every single teacher that has ever taught me, yet I do not have enough space on here, and im sure people would think it a little strange, freaky and peculiar - but those whom read my blog should know by now - That's just me
Is green to me the same as green to you?
Life is confusing. Different aspects of it confuse me immensely - like the questions that do not have answers. The questions that once though of ponder and play on your mind for an eternity. Knowing they will never be answered is the most irritating thing known to human kind.
I remember one of my first R.E lessons when I started primary school - it was all about the questions in which only God could answer. Similar questions yet not surrounding religion pop into my mind right now as I type this on my computer like - "where does space end", "is there anything else out there", "what happens once we die", "what will happen when I am dead and the world ends, will something amazing happen, or will it just fizzle away". These are just a few of the questions that circulate my busy mind on a day to day basis, distracting me from the main focuses of the day, creating situations in my head.
I believe my French teacher called it Aesthetics - the definition being - "the branch of metaphysics concerned with the laws of perception" She explained it to me in a way that confused the pants off of me. She used my bag which was innocently placed on the table as an example, she said:
"How do you know, that when you turn around - the bag on the table stays there or does it move because you can no longer see it"
Of course I replied with such of "well of course it doesn't move, the rest of the class can see it whilst I have my back turned"
In which she answered - "Ah, yes of course but their backs are not turned, only yours. How do you know that it is still there, you cant see it"
At first I poopooed this theory, what a load of tosh I thought to myself. However the more I dwelled on the subject the more I realised that in a certain peculiar way she was in fact right (she normally is, but that is besides the point)
How did I know - of course I didn't, and there was no way I could in fact prove it because my back was turned and of course I do not have eyes in the back of my head - no matter how many times I was told as a child that one day I would in fact grown them.
After thinking about the subject for a while, I was sat in form discussing it with my form teacher - who rudely told me that if I carried on thinking that way I would drive myself in sane.
Is the colour I perceive to be green, the colour you perceive to be green? - Maybe, maybe not. Such a confusing world in which we live in.
I remember one of my first R.E lessons when I started primary school - it was all about the questions in which only God could answer. Similar questions yet not surrounding religion pop into my mind right now as I type this on my computer like - "where does space end", "is there anything else out there", "what happens once we die", "what will happen when I am dead and the world ends, will something amazing happen, or will it just fizzle away". These are just a few of the questions that circulate my busy mind on a day to day basis, distracting me from the main focuses of the day, creating situations in my head.
I believe my French teacher called it Aesthetics - the definition being - "the branch of metaphysics concerned with the laws of perception" She explained it to me in a way that confused the pants off of me. She used my bag which was innocently placed on the table as an example, she said:
"How do you know, that when you turn around - the bag on the table stays there or does it move because you can no longer see it"
Of course I replied with such of "well of course it doesn't move, the rest of the class can see it whilst I have my back turned"
In which she answered - "Ah, yes of course but their backs are not turned, only yours. How do you know that it is still there, you cant see it"
At first I poopooed this theory, what a load of tosh I thought to myself. However the more I dwelled on the subject the more I realised that in a certain peculiar way she was in fact right (she normally is, but that is besides the point)
How did I know - of course I didn't, and there was no way I could in fact prove it because my back was turned and of course I do not have eyes in the back of my head - no matter how many times I was told as a child that one day I would in fact grown them.
After thinking about the subject for a while, I was sat in form discussing it with my form teacher - who rudely told me that if I carried on thinking that way I would drive myself in sane.
Is the colour I perceive to be green, the colour you perceive to be green? - Maybe, maybe not. Such a confusing world in which we live in.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)